Manage the money minefield – and emerge safe and sound!

Etiquette expert and editor of Debrett’s Wedding Guide Jo Bryant helps you sail through your money problems and emerge safe and sound.

Q. My parents make vague references to ‘helping out’ with the wedding costs. How can I find out what they really mean?

A. If you get on well with them simply ask, “As a ballpark figure, what do you think you’re able to contribute?” Keep any level of expectation quiet, if you come in way over it can cause problems. If you really can’t face the issue head-on, try a more subtle approach. Give them a specific area such as cakes and ask them to research it. That’ll help them see what the costs will be.

Q. Who should pay most towards my wedding?

A. Forget the old fashioned idea that the bride’s parents pay for everything. As a three-way split try a small contribution from the bride and groom, more from the groom’s parents, and more again from the bride’s parents. But never compare financial contributions, it just causes upset.

Q. My parents won’t contribute at all. What can I do?

A. You can’t ever demand they pay for your wedding, it is their right not to. Whatever you do don’t let bad feelings ruin this special time. Sit down and make a plan with your fiancé; it may just mean that you can’t afford that honeymoon in the Maldives, but you can still have a special day.

Q. My family keep asking about the wedding plans and then make critical comments about the cost. How can I handle it?

A. You’re under no obligation to answer. If the question is asked, be vague and evasive. “I need to look at all the quotes”, “we haven’t chosen yet”, or “we are still negotiating the price” should work. 

Q. We want to pay for everything to avoid parental meddling. How can we tell them without causing a fight?

A. Your parents probably don’t realise they are being a nightmare, but honesty isn’t the best policy here. Take a gentle approach, give them small specific tasks to keep them involved without you losing control. If they insist on contributing? Ask for help with the honeymoon and say “It would be a weight off our minds while we are planning the wedding day itself.”

Q. Who should pay for my bridesmaid’s dresses?

A. As far as possible the bride should pay, but if that really isn’t an option you can’t be dictatorial on style or price. You must also be upfront about money when you ask them. Tell them you would love them to be your bridesmaid but that you are not able to pay for their dress. It is then up to them if they accept.

Q. We want money instead of gifts. How do we avoid offending?

A. People feel uncomfortable simply putting money into a current account, so always nominate a cause. Our friends listed activities they wanted for their honeymoon, and took photos of themselves doing them. That was very personal and everyone loved it.

Q. Is a cash bar acceptable?

A. Only at venues you’ve paid for. But even then, weigh up your decisions. If you’re paying a fortune on calligraphy but not giving people a drink you’re probably getting your priorities wrong.