To readers My apologies I know this is a long one, but I have kept it bottled up so long that it is now leaking over in to the rest of my life. I can’t explain the amount of heart break I feel over this. I feel like I sold my soul and now I am slowly burning myself down trying to pay the price. Everyone was somehow involved in the wedding so I don’t have anyone to talk to without upsetting someone... These are the things I wish I could have said
In laws
We are both not in to religion, and going to church for me was a big pile of guilt and hypocrisy. What you choose to believe is your business. But please don’t force it down my throat. Did you ask your son what he wanted? Did you know that he backed you over me on this and we rowed? He wanted to make you happy.
Then after all that you tell me you don’t really go to church that much, only Christmas and Easter. Did you know I wanted to do my own vows and choose modern music? Both were things to make the service personal to me and H, and were not allowed by the church.
The hymn you wanted - and the vicar suggested you have another, as it was not really appropriate for a wedding, you just couldn’t let it go you have to be right. You call the vicar to get your own way. Then later change the hymn anyway, until a week before the service, and you want to change it back.
I was not impressed that you spoke to the vicar and organist and tried to get our music changed. And, kept ‘suggesting’ other music to me. Then you keep pushing and pushing, nagging and nagging, I had no choice left but to snap at you. How dare you! It was a week to go, do you really think I need any more stress or change???
When we ask you for a guest list we really don’t expect you to tell us who really, really must come to our wedding, who must come all day, and at least give us the option of saying I don’t think so . Did you know that I had to double my side’s guest list to balance out the families? No course you didn’t, because you didn’t care. Remind me at what point you asked us what we wanted?
Inviting people just because they will give you a lift home, were your friends but H2B doesn’t know who they are, and adding guests at the last minute or filling any ‘drop out’ spaces with more of your guests is not acceptable, especially when it’s not your money, we don’t even know these people or if we do when was the last time we saw them?
Offering, or rather telling your son that that you would pay for my dress, yes, started off as a nice gesture. But then making me realise that I couldn’t say no, had to budget, and had to choose something you (who are much older than me) would approve of really didn’t help me. At all.
So when I found the budget dress shop, and my own mother was outside throwing up as she wasn’t well, talking me in to picking a dress on the day, in the first shop we had been too, really made me lose all hope that this was my wedding. Let alone anywhere near the idea I had in mind.
Yes I cried for three days after that, I had a dress that was too old and it wasn’t me, really, none of them were. I knew what I wanted, but I knew it wasn’t in that shop. Red, I wanted red. And comments about me being ‘a scarlet women, a harlot’ really were not helping, but yeah, thanks for that one! Yes I went back and changed the dress, but I was stuck wasn’t I, the shop had the deposit money and it was either pick another dress from here or lose the money, so that’s what I had to do.
You picking a dress that cost more than my whole outfit hurt, you weren’t budgeting on that one, and I bet you didn’t pay by cheque and hope you could get it in time for any alterations?
If you say you want to pay money towards the wedding then pay it, don’t argue the toss over how much we estimate things to cost. Don’t make us down grade our wedding because you think it’s too much.
Cutting out the canapés, good one. Did I not say over and over that the dinner was a late one and everyone would be hungry? I tried to compromise with you, and you suggest kitkats in a plastic bag to be given out in the car park. Nice. Then you have the cheek on the day to say ‘oh hungry ages till dinner’. And after the day to say we should have had canapés. Well der!!
And to keep me waiting for the money, when you got married you may well have paid for the flowers after the wedding day but that’s not how it works now.
I was embarrassed and annoyed that I had to keep going on about it, keep hinting that we need the money to confirm the bookings. You were all about cutting cost till it came to the things you thought were important, what about what we wanted and thought were important?
We didn’t want a master of ceremonies by the way, we had both agreed on that one, and then you book one any way. You didn’t even ask us you just did it.
Sulking to your husband, who then passed it on to my H2B – That you were upset that I had not said thanks for your buying my wedding dress, I did actually say thank you. But again you talked over me. And to be honest I wasn’t that thankful because I was cornered in to you buying it and me having that dress. Then on payment day when I can take the dress home, you pay by cheque meaning I can’t take the dress home, and you spend over 15 minutes in the shop mucking about with the debit card and sorting out payment showing your card, and then you are doing it by cheque. The shop manager was not impressed and neither was I. Funny that you didn’t mention any of that to your husband... Oh and by the way I had to go back to the shop to hire a petticoat , the manager remembered me straight away and I had to apologise on your behalf (not for the first time either).
How F’ing dare you sit at the top table and say to my fully grown, mother of two, sister ‘I hope you’re going to behave’. What right do you have!! Do you wonder why five minutes after you had been sitting there I suddenly demanded that the parents switch sides on the top table? I might have to put up with it and bite my tongue at your snide remarks and catty comments for the sake of H. But you can damn me to hell if I will let you do it to my family. You left me seething for the rest of my wedding day wondering what else you had the cheek to say out of my ear shot. I already had my worries about you and you go and prove me right. I am sick and tired of justifying myself, listening to you knock me, and apologising to other people because of you and things you say or do.
Parents
When I really have my heart set on something like a mini coronet crown for my head, telling me that if I dare turn up on the day with it you will stamp on it is not funny or nice. And if it’s my damn day why the hell can’t I have one! And telling everyone else this too, not good. So that’s a crown ruled out then...
Letting your mother invite people to the wedding not acceptable. I know she’s my gran but it’s not on, no matter how nice she puts it or the blackmail she uses. All it did was pass on more guilt to me and I again had to bend and do it. All this after I had very strong words with H about his side doing it, what a fool I looked.
I don’t particularly like large groups like this as it makes me nervous, nor do I like formal ‘sit stand jump through a hoop’ affairs. Someone telling me how to hold a bloody knife to cut cake. Or how I should stand hold H’s arm... and I don’t want to spend all night saying hi to people. I want to relax and actually get involved in a conversation. I didn’t even have time to speak to those I wanted to. There were people there who I never even remember having time to say hi to, my own close family and I never even saw them...
Did you not notice in the wedding dress shop when we went back and changed the dress that I was trying to put a bit of ‘me’ back in by wanting to add the diamante safety pin ‘rock chick’, which you said no to? Did this not tell you that it wasn’t right that ‘the dress’ wasn’t ‘me’? That I had settled, and wasn’t happy, again just making do?
Telling me ‘it’s what the family expect’ really doesn’t help, it’s not what I want or expect so why do I have to? Just because I am X’s daughter, that suddenly changes what I want in to what I must have? No pressure there then...
After us trying to explain how we felt about the wedding spiralling out of control on a couple of occasions, saying ‘well if he doesn’t go through with it your marrying the milkman’ was not helping, did you ever think what I was actually feeling at that point?
Candles on the tables, i said no, i said no for a reason. Yes there were two small fires on the night no one was hurt and it was only paper. But it was just another thing I let bug me but go ahead. Like the amount of stuff you kept buying and adding to go on the tables in secret. I had you and dad practically throwing money and things at me and the in-laws on the other side tut tutting at ‘wasting money’ and me stuck in the middle just keeping my mouth shut and my head down.
If I wanted my hair in soft glamorous waves don’t talk me out of it, I ended up looking like a bloody war bride the way my hair was done. Giving me changes to explain to the stylist on the day at the last minute went great, I felt like *** for the day with ratty ringlets and hate every photo of me. That hair is what I wake up looking like. This is pretty much why I have had it all hacked off from being half way down my back to just below my ears, in spite.
I liked my long hair, loved it, but it was just another reminder.
H
Telling me months later that I was wrong to put a deposit down on the venue before you had seen it, yeah I agree with you on this one I should not have done it. Hold my hands up in guilt. But by the way both your mum and my mum wanted it and let’s face it your mum would have talked you in to it had you not liked it any ways. You should have told me though, not let it slip out when you were drunk with your mates...
Would it kill you to grow a bit of backbone and not back down to your parents? It drives me mad that they can sway you so easily after we spent hours discussing and agreeing something we wanted. You don’t have to agree with them especially when it’s not what you want, you leave me fighting my corner and turn it in to a three on one battle. Then I have to back down what choice do I have?
Why were the suits changed, why did you end up with the trousers a different colour to the jackets? I know we had a discussion about you looking like a butler and yet you ended up changing to this option...
When I say to you six months in advance you need to save for this, here is a check list of stuff that will need to be sorted out. I expect you to do it, to follow through. You were the one who said yes, if it was a problem why didn’t you say anything. I love you, but you need to stop and look at what you were doing to me. You tell me you have no money for wedding things when you promised me, promised, that you would have your half. So I make up the difference with my money, and then off you go out with your mates. I had no money other than enough to get to work, and your off out. Worse than that, you actually borrowed money from me to keep going out. My mates have stopped asking me to go out now because I spent so long saying ‘no sorry cant’.
Thanks for the wedding necklace you totally forgot to buy me, remember you were going to get it for my 30th birthday and then didn’t? I must have looked so ungrateful when I opened the presents on the morning from my brother and sister and no gift from you. Ok so it’s a gift and I have no right to assume it will happen but you promised, and it was just another piece of my heart that was stolen away.
Bridesmaids
You choose the dresses, I warned you when I brought them that the wedding was after Christmas and you had to fit in them. I offered to get larger sizes and have them taken in nearer the time if needed. I even gave you emails saying how many weeks to go to give you a polite heads up without mentioning your weight. But no you both struggled to get in them; I had them altered with lace up backs for extra room, with the last of my money to look nice, so you would be comfortable in them. Then you still weren’t comfortable and covered them with bloody pashminas, in every photo, for the whole day...
All/me
Did I want a white dress, no, you knew, you all knew. I swore I would never have a white dress, what about me says white dress? I wanted red, you all knew I wanted red.
I had by the point of the shopping trip already realised that this day wasn’t about me. Because if it was, you would stop, just all stop, stop telling me.
The photos I wanted by the way if any of you are interested, were of my two baby nephews in their matching little wedding suits, backs of the bridesmaids with all the detailing showing, the groomsmen all showing their matching socks or cufflinks and fun ones of me and H. Never got any of these.
Yeah ok, so I wanted a couple of the wedding ‘normal’ ones but not all of them. Nor do I expect a professional to give in the final chosen photos pictures of my brother with his eyes closed, or the bridesmaid licking her lips, really these are my final choices, so the only photo of me with them has this flaw?? These are the ones I get to keep forever?
Do you know how many nights I sat there staring blankly in to space thinking what the hell have I unleashed. When I joked about us running away and eloping I wasn’t joking, I was testing the water, and I was already in too deep huh.
I guess no one noticed the pause when I said my vows to you. Not because I didn’t want to marry you. But because just for one second I wanted to stop and run away, I didn’t feel comfortable let alone a princess or anything like that.
I remember people keep asking me if I was excited in the run up to the day. And I never was, it was just a chore and job that had to be done. I never saw it as my day, you all said I organised everything, it was the only way I was coping to keep going just get on with it. Control what little I could and hopefully I would get through it.
I was lying through my teeth wasn’t I. Why did I never speak up, because somewhere along the way I just wanted to make everyone else happy, and in that I forgot about myself.
And me I put on weight I think, well I must have, because in every photo of me for the day I can see fat rolling out of the top of the dress. Bad hair, why oh why did I not look in a mirror before I left the house. So with the dress, the fat and the hair, dodgy shots and formal stance I hate the photos, no I don’t want to show them to people, no I don’t want them on my mantle. No I don’t want a reminder of that day. Yes they do make me feel physically sick and I hate them.
I feel like I am grieving for the day. I know it’s sad and stupid but I can’t help it. Yes I am crying most nights about it. When I don’t think about it I am fine, but you all insist on keep bringing it up. And every time I am trying to bite my lip and not let all this pent up emotion slide out.
Mostly I have so much rage and anger at myself, I hate myself for it, and that just adds to the guilt I already feel , all this money has been wasted. But worse than that, I feel like I can’t talk to any of you, which I can’t bear but it would upset you all. Again adding more guilt to me, I know what you are all saying that I am depressed & that I need a project.
Well no and no. I am not depressed; I am now just trying to get over what I have done to myself. Think about it I just spent a year of my life being stressed and pushed and pulled in to all the bits that had to be done and dealt with.
If I don’t get reminded about the wedding then I am ‘normal’ just living my life, I am getting on with stuff able to laugh and smile etc. Then along comes someone who says ‘oh, you got married how was it?’ and in seeps the rage.
Projects, well I have now decorate two rooms, taken on extra stuff at work, sorted out a years worth of paperwork and pretty much stopped myself from having a spare five minutes, which means I am now exhausted and still not really able to have time to process things. I feel like I am being a spoilt selfish bratty child. Which is why I am keeping all of this to myself, well trying to. I know some of you know bits and pieces and some of you nothing at all. That’s how I think it should be kept because what’s the point right, all I would do is piss everyone else off. What I should have done is stuck to my guns and been a bridezilla and fought for it while there was still time.
And to all of you who say it’s just one day. Really? It’s just a normal Saturday that happens to have cost more than the deposit I put down on my house, and spent a year of my life planning, negotiating and arguing over, and I have all these photos and mementos and reminders that I must keep of just one day...?
I’ll let you in to another little secret, what I really want to do to claw back what remains of the soul I sold for this wedding is to burn the photos, cards, dress and all the memories I have of the day and the run up to the day. To run away from anyone else asking me how was it and me slapping on my big fake smile and saying ‘yeah it was great’
To myself, you know you just need to get over it, and hopefully finally getting it all out and written down will allow you to let it go.
