WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

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• 07-Feb-2010 13:10

  WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  docshell Joined on 01-Jun-2004 United Kingdom Posts 2,746

  Contact Bit of background- MIL has always been controlling and bossy and when she felt we weren't including in the wedding planning (there was nothing she was willing to do on our list) she got huffy and cried and got FIL to get us to make up jobs to keep the peace. Day before wedding SIL made up rubbish about me and told MIL whom took her side even though FIL, H and friend said they had been there and this didn't happen. MIL runs with it, is very rude to my family, ignores me and tells her side of the family to do the same. She made her own son cry as she was being so horrible. This conts after the wedding until she sits us down and says- "Michelle did this and Michelle did that"- and sorry i let rip to which she ran off and FIL and H actually told her that what i was saying was the truth and SIL had made everything up. She went to SIL whom cont to tell lies and between both of them managed to convince themselves that we had abandoned MIl for 3 days. Things haven't really changed- they came over for a short period of time when my H thought everything would be normal but she was rude and purposely ignored me and messed my house up (she is neat freak so i knew she was doing it purposely). Told them we were pregnant- so now i get asked about but not talked to- bit of progress. But i feel like the incubator and not a person. SIL has continued to poison everyone and i think MIL is starting to see it but She is her daughter and she will never isolate her/put her on the naughty step until she behaves (she is 43) My H and her were very close and she hasn't even acknowledged that H is having a baby (never expected her to accept/acknowledge me again but she was talking to H) FAst forward to now- H has said that MIL was talking to him and said once baby was born she would come over (she lives in NI) for as long as we needed her and clean, cook, look after baby, etc. This is really kind of her but with the state of play between us it is going to be an awful atmosphere for everyone inc H and FIL and i know that she will be very controlling (we haven't told her we are having home water birth- she'll go ape). I'm trying to think of a way to diffuse the situation so it is limited time and so it won't be straight after the birth so H and i can have some time together with a newborn and get an idea how to cope, etc. How do i do ths without offending everyone in a controlled manner instead of it escalating and me just bursting with frustration?!- Should i just be honest with everyone and say what i've just said to you guys to them. H briefly knows how i feel but we haven't had a proper sit down chat about it yet- tonight's agenda! Also EDD 1/7/10 so could be anytime from 2 weeks before to 2 weeks after so my initial thought was to say come over (they would probably book a boat as i know they will have bought things for baby) mid July hoping baby would be on time but could back fire if baby was late. Also H has been told he could have extended paternity leave so there could be some cross over between us having time together and him still being off when MIL/FIL were over to help diffuse situations if needed. Thanks for reading

• 07-Feb-2010 13:15

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  Madonna Joined on 30-Sep-2003 United Kingdom Posts 23,862

  Contact I do think step one is discussing with your H. Whatever you decide needs to be agreed by both so there can be no chinks in the armour if it's challenged. My parents live abroad but they are hard work, plus we don't actually have room to stay in our house. So my parents were asked to come over when S was 6w+ (I knew I would have a C Section and be unable to drive anyone around, which was a major reason given), and although I think they were slightly miffed, they accepted it because I gave a good reason and it was backed up by Mr M. Could you try something like this? Inspired by Sofie, Milo and all my angels, most recently Joe http://www.justgiving.com/JoeDonn/ Ideas and donations welcome x

• 07-Feb-2010 13:29

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  Katamari Joined on 11-Aug-2007 Lancashire Posts 6,677

  Contact Do we have the same in laws? I know exactly how you feel, that you are just the incubator. My in laws only decided to start talking to me, after ruining our wedding and honeymoon, when the exalted grandson was nearly here, I was 8 months pregnant. They had ignored me throughout my pregnancy, then all of a sudden they were all over me.  They turned up uninvited half an hour after we got home with Toby and we could not get rid. We still really struggle with setting acceptable boundaries - I'm all for just being blunt, but Mr K insists on trying to be tactful.  I'd thank her very nicely (through gritted teeth if needs be!) but then rave on about how you are looking forward to some time alone after the birth so that you and your H can get to know your baby, get used to being a family, establishing BF'ing (if applicable). Do they normally stay with you on a visit?  Could you get your H or FIL to suggest a hotel to stay in then they are not under your feet the whole time? Make it clear that you are looking forward to their visit but it's on your terms.  If she doesn't get the hint, I'd just be blunt. I still can't look back on our wedding without getting really upset at the way the IL's behaved and I am still cross with myself for letting them barge in like they have done with the baby.

• 07-Feb-2010 13:29

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  docshell Joined on 01-Jun-2004 United Kingdom Posts 2,746

  Contact I think we could stretch it for 2 weeks by saying we wanted time by ourselves first but i'm not sure we could stretch it any longer so if baby was late then we'd lose that cushion- ideally i'd say 4 weeks but i can't see that going down to well w H or inlaws. I may just have to lump it. I'm also unsure that MIL will stick to plan and not just get too excited/impatient and book a flight over straight away- because no-one would say anything to her (i'd be told not to just in case i upset her and why is it a big deal anyway?)

• 07-Feb-2010 13:30

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  Mazzy-moo Joined on 21-Jan-2008 United Kingdom Posts 7,156

  Contact Its a tough situation, and I totally understand your frustrations as I've had/have similar issues with members of my family. TBH, I'd tell them/her pretty much what you've said here already. You don't know exactly when the baby will arrive and you want time for you and your H to be together as a family of 3 and find your feet. You need to work out how to do things that way at some point, so for the first week or two of the baby's life you'd prefer to be left to it. Your H will be home too, so you'll have that extra support. Thats pretty much what we told family when they said they wanted to come and stay. It did put their noses out of joint for a bit, but so be it. And they're fine with it now (well, at least they haven't said they weren't.....not that it'd make a difference if they were bothered). There's not alot they can do about it really. Besides, you don't know what will happen at the time.....or even when the date is, so its not exactly something they can plan for in advance, as such. And god only knows I'd never have been able to cope with having my mum or MILs stay for any length of time before the birth. I'd have been having that baby in prison. For me, things didn't go to plan and I ended up in hospital for a week. Once we got home, we just wanted to get to know our baby and find our feet a bit. Every family member under the sun arrived on the Sunday (we got home on the Fri night). We explicitly told them they could only stay for a few hours at most, no longer, and definitely no prolonged stays, and tbh, for me this was still too much. Sadly, for me, they all just wanted to cuddle their grandson (which I do understand), but totally forgot about me and H in the meantime. I was sooooo relieved once they'd left and promptly burst into tears. And as for being seen as the 'incubator, not a person'......oh, I SO know that feeling. Its still no better now, and O is 11 weeks old. Good luck.

• 07-Feb-2010 13:34

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  docshell Joined on 01-Jun-2004 United Kingdom Posts 2,746

  Contact Katamari: Do we have the same in laws? It sounds possible! They do stay with us and i think it would be seen as me being really mean suggesting a hotel but i will be saying baby will be staying with us so we will be in spare room and they can have loft space (temp really variable up there so not good for a newborn) or blow up mattress in nursery so that may push them to hotel. I'm just really worried about setting the plan up MIl agreeing to it and then her just turning up on my doorstep while FIL follows the plan.

• 07-Feb-2010 13:36

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  Mazzy-moo Joined on 21-Jan-2008 United Kingdom Posts 7,156

  Contact docshell: I think we could stretch it for 2 weeks by saying we wanted time by ourselves first but i'm not sure we could stretch it any longer so if baby was late then we'd lose that cushion- ideally i'd say 4 weeks but i can't see that going down to well w H or inlaws. I may just have to lump it. I'm also unsure that MIL will stick to plan and not just get too excited/impatient and book a flight over straight away- because no-one would say anything to her (i'd be told not to just in case i upset her and why is it a big deal anyway?) As for not telling her for fear of causing upset, I wouldn't worry too much. Really. I've always been fairly outspoken, but tried to do so tactfully so as not to upset people, but since O arrived, I don't know, blame it on the tiredness maybe, but I've lost any and all fear when it comes to saying stuff. I keep finding myself saying things I would ordinarily have thought about and processed before, just to make sure it won't offend or upset anyone. Its quite liberating really! And if they don't ike it, tough.

• 07-Feb-2010 13:40

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  docshell Joined on 01-Jun-2004 United Kingdom Posts 2,746

  Contact Mazzy-moo: docshell: I think we could stretch it for 2 weeks by saying we wanted time by ourselves first but i'm not sure we could stretch it any longer so if baby was late then we'd lose that cushion- ideally i'd say 4 weeks but i can't see that going down to well w H or inlaws. I may just have to lump it. I'm also unsure that MIL will stick to plan and not just get too excited/impatient and book a flight over straight away- because no-one would say anything to her (i'd be told not to just in case i upset her and why is it a big deal anyway?) As for not telling her for fear of causing upset, I wouldn't worry too much. Really.   I know but i would get blamed for upsetting her- she's allowed to say things because she doesn't know any better but me i have to be polite at all times. This is why post wedding H and i spent alot of time in car parks crying and then had to go back and act as normal.

• 07-Feb-2010 13:42

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  pinkluvlylady Joined on 11-Apr-2004 United Kingdom Posts 4,101

  Contact This does not sound like a woman who you'd want around you when you're meant to be enjoying your new family and possibley feeling extremely emotional and fragile. Your milk will come in...you might have stitches etc who knows? So I'd wait until the baby is a couple of weeks old before having her there. So that you feel comfortable, Simpley say that a baby can come anytime, due dates are a rough guide and so you'd rather wait until the baby is here and settled before you are ready to have guests into your home. You are intitled to whatever makes YOU feel best,so don't start to feel any guilt.

• 07-Feb-2010 13:42

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  Madonna Joined on 30-Sep-2003 United Kingdom Posts 23,862

  Contact 2 weeks is good if you can get it - perhaps remind your husband that baby blues will kick in and that, with BFing establishment and HV/MW visits, will wipe out week 1 anyway. Just setting ground rules may help - so they don't stay with you, they need to book a hotel elsewhere (MIL will like to have somewhere to storm off to) or stay with other friends/family - not least because the baby will wake the household of a night. Visits only when your H is there too to share the load. If BFing, agreemeent with your H that you can go and disappear to the bedroom to do this at any time (remember this can buy you an hour's break). ?   Inspired by Sofie, Milo and all my angels, most recently Joe http://www.justgiving.com/JoeDonn/ Ideas and donations welcome x

• 07-Feb-2010 13:43

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  hannah*01/06/06 Joined on 28-Aug-2005 United Kingdom Posts 5,111	Contact What about suggesting the last week in July? That way even if baby is 2 weeks late you'll still have a week alone with baby before they desend on you. Can you suggest they stay in a local hotel under the pretence that they would get more sleep there.   Alfie 08/10/2007 Isla Rose 28/08/2010

• 07-Feb-2010 13:47

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  docshell Joined on 01-Jun-2004 United Kingdom Posts 2,746

  Contact pinkluvlylady:   You are intitled to whatever makes YOU feel best,so don't start to feel any guilt. I wish i was as strong sounding as you- i think i have to grow some balls! Madonna- i like the idea of blaming BFing as an excuse to get out of her way I think the end of July sounds good- lets see what H and inlaws say to that. thanks ladies- sometimes i feel that my feelings around her can be irrational due to the whole wedding fiasco! But actually i feel quite justified!

• 07-Feb-2010 13:51

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  Duck24 Joined on 25-Jul-2005 United Kingdom Posts 3,763

  Contact I think we may have the same in-laws.....and the way you describe the incubator feeling is a perfect description for how i felt also! (we are in NI also....so maybe theres a chance!!) You really really must stand your ground.  I really felt quite down after having Hollie, it was a bit of whirlwind as she came a month early sp that contribuated to it, but i really just wanted time with my hubbie to adjust to having this little life....but MIL is quite controlling and arranged everyone to land down on us and i could have cracked up.  So please do stand your ground and ask or tell her if you have to, to give you some time.  honestly you must do it for your own mental wellbeing! www.muralartistnorthernireland.co.uk  Hollie Sarah born 17.10.09 4 weeks premature due to pre-eclampsia Charlie born 01.09.11 - 5 weeks early due to Pre-eclampsia!

• 07-Feb-2010 13:56

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  Mazzy-moo Joined on 21-Jan-2008 United Kingdom Posts 7,156

  Contact docshell: I know but i would get blamed for upsetting her- she's allowed to say things because she doesn't know any better but me i have to be polite at all times. This is why post wedding H and i spent alot of time in car parks crying and then had to go back and act as normal. She's had children of her own, hasn't she? Therefore she DOES know better on this one. And at the time, I really and truely couldn't have given a monkey's wotsit if I'd upset anyone. They're big enough and old enough to get over it, and if they can't then that's their problem, really it is. The family know what she's like, so they can't blame you for her bahaviour. Any visitation has to be on your terms, not just becase she's your MIL and you have a less than ideal relationship with her, it applies to ANY visitors. The world is a scary place for a new baby, and you'll both be trying to work out what the hell is going on, so anything even remotely taxing or something that doesn't involve slobbing on the sofa and feeding/snoozing/nappy changing/eating/drinking is hard work and really takes it out of you, especially when you're sleep deprived. Add to that the fact that your hormones and emotions are all over the place and its a recipe for disaster having people there, whether you get on with them or not! Sorry if I sound harsh.....its not my intention, and I do know where you're coming from on this as I'm ALWAYS made out to be the bad guy by my ILs, and even MY parents. They always always know best, don't they, and for me, the only thing that has some effect on them is to just tell them bluntly and let them stew it out for themselves.

• 07-Feb-2010 13:58

  Re: WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

  Katamari Joined on 11-Aug-2007 Lancashire Posts 6,677

  Contact Honestly? Rather her feelings are hurt than yours. You don't need to be on edge when you have a newborn - you are all over the place anyway and don't need to be made to feel any worse.  As for her not knowing any better - utter tosh. She acts like that because she can get away with it and from the sounds of it her family have made so many allowances for her over the years that it's just ingrained behaviour. It's really sad that you are only asking for reasonable treatment after you have had a baby, but being made to feel unreasonable about it.It amazes me how some family members see fit to treat a new mother all in the name of 'their' grandchild/nephew/neice etc.   I like what Madonna said about the reasoning for them staying in a hotel and only visiting when your H is there. If MIL deviates from the plan, just refuse to take her on. Send her off to a hotel.  I'd say that you need to set some firm boundaries and stick to them. Kill her with kindness - don't let her see that she gets to you, but just be consistently kind and firm and stick to what you say. If you want them to come at the end of July - they can take it or leave it. Don't negotiate, just say that that is when they will be welcome and you look forward to seeing them then.  And this is going to sound very manipulative, but it's not meant in a nasty way or for using the baby as a weapon, but at the end of the day they want to see their grandchild. You and H hold all the cards as far as thats concerned - they may not be happy and will have a tantrum over when you want them to visit, but I bet they get over it because they want to see their grandchild. to you. I hope you and your H get it sorted.