H2B only getting married to make me happy...

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• 21-Jan-2010 11:56

  H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Feanor Joined on 20-Jan-2010 Posts 68

  Contact Hi all, I am new here, but I need some advice! A bit of background for you... I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years this year. Two years ago he asked me to marry him when on holiday. My younger sister had got married 2 months before and I was upset about, so I think it was on his mind as I always knew he was never really pro marriage. Anyway i was happy and we went to chose a ring together when we retrurned from holiday. A couple of months later, he totally broke my heart. I wont go into too much detail but I moved out for 5 months, it looked like it was definitely over but we managed to work it out. I forgave him and moved back in. That was just over a year ago. He knows I want to get married and sometimes he'll say 'yeah we should do it shouldn't we?'. The he agreed he'd like to get married abroad, just close family & friends. (Ideally he would want us to just run off somewhere and do it just the two of us). For a few weeks now I have been so happy, organising, planning, emailing the planners, letting the family know. He actually showed a bit more interest than I thought he would. I was feeling great, I thought finally its happening! Then last night he says he's not sure if its the right thing, that he doesn't know if what he feels is the way he's 'supposed' to feel about this kind of thing. God only knows what he means. He's not the best at explaining his feelings at all. He said he is just trying to make me happy, but by him saying that it makes me feel like he is unsure about me, especially because of what happened a couple of years ago. I know the idea of marriage really scares him. I just wish he would talk a bit more openly about things. I feel so upset here at work today :( Eurgh I just dont know what to think or do. I want to get married, I love him, but I can't carry on like this, everything so uncertain. Can anyone at all relate to this situation or have any advice as to how I should handle this situation? Thank you

• 21-Jan-2010 12:19

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Mrs Spink Joined on 14-Oct-2008 Sunny England! Posts 3,105	Contact hi, Would you be happy marrying if he didn't want to?  Would you be happier having the married life without the day and a piece of paper and no hidden feelings?  To me, nothing will change when i get married.  I'll still be with the one i love.  I'd rather he be happy. OM since 8-9-10

• 21-Jan-2010 12:23

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  tahdah Joined on 29-Jul-2003 Twickers M'Dear Posts 9,548

  Contact It does sound a little bit like your OH isn't really the commitment type, yet he really wants to be with you because he is putting himself out there by doing things you would like. I know that the only thing you would love to do is getting married and have a big day with the special frock, but would having that upset your relationship...would you be going through a divorce in 18 mths because he'll never be happy being married? It's a hard path, it may be worthwhile speaking to a relationship councillor just to doubly make sure that it's what you both really want, and that you're not going through with a wedding if you're not 100%...BOTH of you   …always got her eye on biscuits

• 21-Jan-2010 12:27

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  MsJackson78 Joined on 30-Jul-2009 Posts 188

  Contact Didnt want to read & not reply. Difficult situation. Perhaps before you go any further with planning you need to sit down and have a proper talk about what he is worried about. It could be that being part of a big wedding is what is scarying him rather than actually being married. It is so easy for us girls to get caught up in all the planning and excitement of getting married that we forget that the OH has a say in the day too. Dont think the worse and think that it is about your relationship. Hope this helps a little sure there will be others along later with better advice.   [View:http://www.hitched.co.uk/Chat/themes/hitched/utility/ Make a pregnancy ticker ]

• 21-Jan-2010 12:29

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Juicymelons Joined on 13-Aug-2008 Posts 824

  Contact Hi Do you think he just doesn't like the whole centre of attention thing, with him prefering to run off just the two of you ? With some men they relate to relationships by comparing them to their own parents, are his parents happily married ? You need to sit down and have a honest talk with each other and get to the root of his concerns, he obviously loves you if he is prepared to do something he is very unsure about to make you happy. I can see how you would doubt his feelings though, l think if my H2B had turned around and said that to me I would probably feel the same as you/ I hope you manage to sort this out, good luck xxx

• 21-Jan-2010 12:38

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Feanor Joined on 20-Jan-2010 Posts 68

  Contact Thanks for replying so quickly. Of course I want him to be happy too, I would want to be with him still even if it meant not getting married. I just find it difficult to understand why he doesn't want to and the only reason I can think is that he's unsure about me. The fact he doesn't want to commit seriously makes me worried I guess. At the end of the day he did actually ask me to marry him ya know.. His parents have been happily married for 40 years. They are lovely and are a great example of a happy marriage. Its me that comes from divorced parents. My Mum has been divorced twice and now onto 3rd potential husband!! (Dont ask!). I guess in a way thats why I crave the security. We would only be having 10 guests at the wedding abroad, literally parents, siblings & one couple who are best friends. I think your right though, he still finds the whole thing daunting. I am going to try and sit down and talk to him properly but honestly, every time I try he just see's that its upsetting me and just says 'oh its fine, we'll do it, we'll do it'. It feels like he doesnt take the whole thing very seriously :( Thanks for being so kind. x

• 21-Jan-2010 12:50

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Juicymelons Joined on 13-Aug-2008 Posts 824

  Contact Do you think that he would write down his concerns in a letter, if he can't cope with seeing you upset ? Then you can talk through what is worrying him, maybe you can do the same explain to him why being married is important to you ? I think he is sounds just a bit overwhelmed with the whole "fuss" side of getting married if you can get to the route of that and find a way through. hopefully you will both be happy xx

• 21-Jan-2010 13:00

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  MsJackson78 Joined on 30-Jul-2009 Posts 188

  Contact 'With some men they relate to relationships by comparing them to their own parents, are his parents happily married ?' My parents have been happily married for nearly 40 yrs and until I met OH I never wanted to be married or have kids so I dont think you can judge by that. I think your OH wants to make you happy and he knows getting married is important to you so he is willing to do this for you, which is what epitomises a good relationship. I am getting married in church because this is what my OH wants, otherwise you couldnt pay me to go to church LOL. I think when you sit down to talk you will have to say to him I want to hear the truth and even if you get upset he needs to carry on, My bro went through a similar situation with his girlf recently and everytime he broached the subject that was getting in the way of their relationship she burst into tears and so he always stopped short because he couldnt bear to see her cry, but in the end he had to get it out because it was screwing their relationship up more not getting it off his chest, and of course she cried when he told her how he was feeling but it made it all the better in the end. I think this is the person he will marry because their relationship survived the ups and downs.   I hope you sort this out. x [View:http://www.hitched.co.uk/Chat/themes/hitched/utility/ Make a pregnancy ticker ]

• 21-Jan-2010 13:19

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Juicymelons Joined on 13-Aug-2008 Posts 824

  Contact 'With some men they relate to relationships by comparing them to their own parents, are his parents happily married ?' My parents have been happily married for nearly 40 yrs and until I met OH I never wanted to be married or have kids so I dont think you can judge by that. Sorry, I don't agree I think for some people the biggest influences on the way they judge relationships comes from seeing their parents relationship and how the interracted with each other. Some not all. My ex husbands parents, were married for a long time, however ex fil was a bully towards ex mil and she took it for a quiet life. My ex thought that's how marriage should be, by being a bully we are now divorced as are all of his siblings and all for the same reasons that their idea of how marriage should be, what the man says goes.  So the biggest influence on them was that relationship.  I have got friends who are commitment phobic, who flit from woman to woman because that's what dad did so they think for some reason that that's normal. Please don't think I am having a go, because I am not, I just feel quite strongly that I spent 10 years being hit and bullied by a git of a man, who after getting councelling admitted it was because of seeing that relationship. Sorry to hijack your thread xx

• 21-Jan-2010 14:02

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  DTTB Joined on 12-Jan-2010 Posts 477

  Contact Hi, This sounds quite like my life, the same thing happened with my BF (well i think i know what u mean) but i was pregnant at the time, if there was no baby i dont think we would have tried but we did, then booked our wedding, at first i thought he was just doing it out of guilt but think about it they wouldnt agree 2 booking a wedding if they didnt want it, it is the rest of thier lives after all, i think hes just having normal cold feet like any other man does even the nicest most faithfull men. Good luck, have some choclate 2 cheer u up x signing my life away 5 november 2011

• 21-Jan-2010 14:33

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  MsJackson78 Joined on 30-Jul-2009 Posts 188

  Contact juicymelons - I dont think you are having a go, my skin is so hard it would take sledge hammer to crack it LOL. I completely agree with you people's relationships are definitely moulded by their experiences within their family, we are after all a productive of our environment. I probably didnt explain what I meant very well. I definitely wanted what my mum and dad have, strong long term relationship, but I didnt feel that being married & having a wedding was the key to that and hated the idea of having all eyes on me for a whole day. Got over that tho and now cant wait LOL   Sorry to hear you had that experience tho. Your cloud obviously has a silver lining tho as you havent got long til your big day [View:http://www.hitched.co.uk/Chat/themes/hitched/utility/ Make a pregnancy ticker ]

• 21-Jan-2010 14:36

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Feanor Joined on 20-Jan-2010 Posts 68

  Contact Hehe thanks so much. I am taking your prescription of chocolate very seriously and am sat eating a big cookie at my desk! (Not so good for the diet). Thanks for sharing, its much appreciated. He did say he doesn't think any man is ever 100% sure they are doing the right thing when they get married! Hmm. He is a very honest type, even when all the bad stuff was happening he was very honest with me. I just can't bear the thought of getting to the actual day and looking at him, worrying if he is sure about it. I hope we can figure this out soon, we are almost at the point of getting the date definitely booked. The poor wedding planner is going to the local government in the next few days to ask if we can get married at the place we want!!

• 21-Jan-2010 15:01

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  kezzburton Joined on 02-Nov-2009 Posts 58

  Contact I am in a similar position. My OH is also doing this to make me happy, he doesn't see the point in marriage. But after a reality check of what life would be like without me he realised that he wanted me and so he agreed to meet my request head on and we are getting married in April 2011. If he is doing this to make you happy, it means he wants you to be happy. If he didn't mean it, he wouldn't try

• 21-Jan-2010 15:14

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Mitzi50 Joined on 11-Nov-2008 Posts 2,292	Contact Bit late coming in here but I think you really do need to sit down and talk it through with him, explain that not talking about it and not understanding is upsetting you more than having to talk about it. Really hope that you sort something out! x Married 25th June 2010

• 21-Jan-2010 16:17

  Re: H2B only getting married to make me happy...

  Teri_M Joined on 07-Feb-2007 United Kingdom Posts 1,705 read my blog

  Contact I honestly would consider a few sessions at Relate before you guys get married. I don't know the details of how he broke your heart 5 years ago, or what is going on in his head now, but it seems sensible to work out these issues NOW, rather than worry yourself sick about it.  If you two want a life together, then it will happen as it should. But issues that are ignored tend to grow silently until one day they are in your face. Best of luck :)  Teri   http://www.murakamiphotography.com/ http://www.facebook.com/Murakami.Photography As seen listed on Rock My Wedding's 'The Love Lust List'