• Manage your budget plan
    You are currently on budget !

    My budget: 10000

    My Cost so far: 7,800

    Create a free budget plan to organise your finances!

    • Manage your budget
    • Keep track of your spending
    Manage my Budget
  • Manage your to-do list
    Manage your to-do list You have 0 outstanding tasks!
    Tasks Complete: 32 Tasks Outstanding: 0

    Create a free personalised to-do list to help make your planning easy and fun!

    • Free step-by-step plan and time-line
    • Fun and manageable task list
    Manage my To-Do List
  • New competitions to enter
    You have not entered any competitions

    Make sure you check back regularly as we are always adding new competitions.

    View Competitions Page
hide

Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

Join the conversation!
Register for free or sign in to chat and get advice from other brides-to-be.

Page 1 of 3 (43 items) 1 2 3 Next >
Sort Posts: Previous Next
  • Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    We have just returned from the Supermarket, and I have been thinking about it the whole way home....

    There was a couple holding hands in the entrance to the Supermarket and the female was about my age (21ish); she was wearing a t-shirt which on the back read (in big letters) " In loving memory of 'Boy's Name' who was born asleep 24/03/09 " Then below was an A4 sized photo printed onto the t-shirt of the still-born baby. It was not a charity t-shirt, nor was the lady collecting donations - she was doing her weekly shop! I just thought it was odd that someone would get a t-shirt printed with that "information" on it and then wear it five months later.

    Is it a bit odd? Maybe I found it odd because I luckily have never been around people who are so unfortunate and I have no real knowledge of it? Maybe I'm a bit of a prude, because I wouldn't ever dream of sharing such personal information with people I don't know?

    I truly am sorry if I may have offended anyone, I am just very confused and wanted to ask others for their view.

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    Very odd, disturbing, weird and something I would have thought anyone who'd been in that horrible situation would never want to broadcast.  My FIL has a photo of a still-born child on the wall in their hall which I don't like and that's in their own home.

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    It's not something that I would choose personally but you don't know what will make grieving people feel better.  5 months really isn't all that long when you've lost a baby so it's not surprising that having had the tshirt made she would still be wearing it.  Also, they may have been on their way to a charity event and just stopped to get some provisions on the way?

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    I don't really know if it's a question of being prudish, some people handle things in a very private way and others have different ways of dealing with personal tragedy. 

    Personally, this isn't something I would do - it's just not something that'd spring to mind to do, but also because I'd be concerned about upsetting someone else who has been through this terrible experience - it could be a bit insensitive to others.

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    I think it's unusual, and my thought would be that they might be on their way to some kind of charity or family event where it would be fitting.

    BUT, looking at the dreadful experiences that some of our community on BT have been through - some as recently as this week, some years ago - it strikes me that the thing they say again and again is that it's as if their baby hasn't ever been real to some of their friends/family.  It's as if their baby's existence is just brushed under the carpet; they don't get to show off photos, talk about their baby, any of the things other parents do.  I feel privileged to have seen photos of some BTers' babies who were stillborn or who died very soon after birth.  Of course it's upsetting, but at the same time those babies are very much still part of their family. 

    One poster, who has done loads to raise awareness and money for SANDS, the stillbirth charity, posted about this a couple of days ago, about how she is a mother of three even though only two of her boys are with her now.

    (And, incidentally, another big cheer for the Reading BTers who raised phenomenal amounts of money at the "Mummy Loves Cake" sale yesterday, proceeds to SANDS)

    Maybe the t-shirt wearing woman was going to something like that; or maybe she just doesn't have any other way to commemorate this baby's life.

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    Thank you for your replies.

    Sorry for the way that came across SC_99. I am completely aware that it takes a long time to be able to deal with something like that, so I didn't mean "why after 5 months is she still upset?" I just think that it was an odd thing to choose to wear when going shopping to the Supermarket, IYKWIM.

    Maybe she was going to a charity event, but she had a trolley with a weeks worth of shopping. And her partner wasn't wearing a similar t-shirt or something that would suggest they were attending a charity event...he was quite shoddily dressed.

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    Grief takes people funny ways.  If she is this baby's mother, perhaps a t-shirt with his picture on is the nearest she can get to all the dreams she had about pushing him around Tesco in a trolley, buying baby things, having strangers stop her and ask his name.  Perhaps it's the only way she can say to the world "I'm still a mother even though my baby is dead"

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    princess layabout:

    I think it's unusual, and my thought would be that they might be on their way to some kind of charity or family event where it would be fitting.

    BUT, looking at the dreadful experiences that some of our community on BT have been through - some as recently as this week, some years ago - it strikes me that the thing they say again and again is that it's as if their baby hasn't ever been real to some of their friends/family.  It's as if their baby's existence is just brushed under the carpet; they don't get to show off photos, talk about their baby, any of the things other parents do.  I feel privileged to have seen photos of some BTers' babies who were stillborn or who died very soon after birth.  Of course it's upsetting, but at the same time those babies are very much still part of their family. 

    One poster, who has done loads to raise awareness and money for SANDS, the stillbirth charity, posted about this a couple of days ago, about how she is a mother of three even though only two of her boys are with her now.

    (And, incidentally, another big cheer for the Reading BTers who raised phenomenal amounts of money at the "Mummy Loves Cake" sale yesterday, proceeds to SANDS)

    Maybe the t-shirt wearing woman was going to something like that; or maybe she just doesn't have any other way to commemorate this baby's life.

     

    Thank you for making those points.

    And I am sorry if this question has offended anyone or people have found it insensitive. I am just quite ignorant about this, as I have explained and just wanted to be informed.

     

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    I do think it's a bit odd. I can understand why parents of still born children need photos, but I don't like them.  That's my problem really, but I don't think I'd like to look at ANY photo of a dead person. I can't begin to imagine how it must feel, however, if the ONLY photos of a person are such, and I do realise that they are part of the family and  it may be some comfort o them to remember them this way.

    ON another note, a neighbour of mine recently lost her husband.  He'd been ill for a long time and was only a youngish chap, so very sad.  The family wore black football shirts (local team's away strip) for the funeral, and hers had her husbands bname and "1" on it.  I have since seen her wearing the top and have wondered how it makes her feel - connected to him, i guess.

    On the other hand, when I was bereaved (and it wasn't a child so maybe not comparable, but it did leave me with a massive cvoid that couldn't be filled) I wouldn't have wanted to be walking round with a t-shirt that in essence said "I'm grieving".  It would, in my head anyway, have invited conversation with people I didn't really want to talk to, ie strangers, or curiosity I could do without.

     

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    Lumpy Golightly:

    On the other hand, when I was bereaved (and it wasn't a child so maybe not comparable, but it did leave me with a massive cvoid that couldn't be filled) I wouldn't have wanted to be walking round with a t-shirt that in essence said "I'm grieving".  It would, in my head anyway, have invited conversation with people I didn't really want to talk to, ie strangers, or curiosity I could do without.

     

    I realise now, that what you have written so succinctly, is how I felt about the t-shirt. I could never imagine telling hundreds of people (which is what she was doing), about such a personal thing. Like you say, it's inviting people to gossip or question. (As I am doing here!)

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    • Zebra
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 18-Nov-2003
    • United Kingdom
    • Posts 45,605

    Champagne:
    Very odd, disturbing, weird and something I would have thought anyone who'd been in that horrible situation would never want to broadcast.  My FIL has a photo of a still-born child on the wall in their hall which I don't like and that's in their own home.

    From what you say about nevering wanting to broadcast it and objecting to a photograph, it sounds like you think a lost child should be something to be hushed up and forgotten about like a dirty secret? Why?

    I agree it's unusual to have a t-shirt like that but presumably it gives the wearer some comfort so fair dos to her.

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    • Zebra
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 18-Nov-2003
    • United Kingdom
    • Posts 45,605

    ooh la la:

    Lumpy Golightly:

    On the other hand, when I was bereaved (and it wasn't a child so maybe not comparable, but it did leave me with a massive cvoid that couldn't be filled) I wouldn't have wanted to be walking round with a t-shirt that in essence said "I'm grieving".  It would, in my head anyway, have invited conversation with people I didn't really want to talk to, ie strangers, or curiosity I could do without.

     

    I realise now, that what you have written so succinctly, is how I felt about the t-shirt. I could never imagine telling hundreds of people (which is what she was doing), about such a personal thing. Like you say, it's inviting people to gossip or question. (As I am doing here!)

     

    Or inviting people to acknowledge her loss? I know some people on BT have talked about how some family and friends disappear after a baby dies, as if they think not talking about it has made the problem go away. Dreadfully hurtful.

     

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    Zebra:

    ooh la la:

    Lumpy Golightly:

    On the other hand, when I was bereaved (and it wasn't a child so maybe not comparable, but it did leave me with a massive cvoid that couldn't be filled) I wouldn't have wanted to be walking round with a t-shirt that in essence said "I'm grieving".  It would, in my head anyway, have invited conversation with people I didn't really want to talk to, ie strangers, or curiosity I could do without.

     

    I realise now, that what you have written so succinctly, is how I felt about the t-shirt. I could never imagine telling hundreds of people (which is what she was doing), about such a personal thing. Like you say, it's inviting people to gossip or question. (As I am doing here!)

     

     

    Or inviting people to acknowledge her loss? I know some people on BT have talked about how some family and friends disappear after a baby dies, as if they think not talking about it has made the problem go away. Dreadfully hurtful.

     

     

    Yes, maybe....I'm just not the sort of person who would want to do that publicly, which is maybe why I found it difficult to understand.

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    I also find it a little odd. Obviously people should express their grief in their own way and I certainly don't criticise her for doing that.

    Quick thought - at running and similar events you quite often see personalised t-shirts where the runner is raising money for a cause in memory of a specific person - I suppose it's possible that they'd done something like this and she was just wearing the shirt?

  • Re: Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

    SophieM:

    Quick thought - at running and similar events you quite often see personalised t-shirts where the runner is raising money for a cause in memory of a specific person - I suppose it's possible that they'd done something like this and she was just wearing the shirt?

     

    That's what I originally thought, but there were no charity logos on it and lacked the general, "running in memory of.." written on it. The front was plain. She also didn't look especially sporty, if you get my drift!

Return to: Off Topic Posts
Page 1 of 3 (43 items) 1 2 3 Next >