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HappyIvoryFlowers
Savvy August 2018

MH drama

HappyIvoryFlowers, 12 of June of 2017 at 14:10 Posted on Off Topic Posts 0 4

Looking for support / advice / feeling incredibly vulnerable and hurt.

I asked my sister to be my Chief bridesmaid / matron of honor as i was her chief bridesmaid at her wedding.
She's been with me to see my dress and also been involved with flower arranging and button holes but has recently accused me of deliberately not including her.

Back story:
Over a month ago i contacted my bridesmaids (4) to ask when they would be available to go bridesmaid dress shopping this summer.
Two of my three friends replied with a couple of possible dates, one of my friends did not and neither did my sister.
I was told, by my sister, that i would need to give her some dates.

So i picked two weekends and asked of everyone is available? She replied that she was not available "that weekend." As we had already gotten my sisters dress; i replied that that wasn't a problem and that she didn't need to come if she couldn't make it.
To which she replies that it's short notice, she has another event and she wants to be involved. to which i ask which of the two weekends offered was she not available?
No reply

i try again to get an idea as to my sisters availability by offering more dates and asking all the bridesmaids to reply with a selection of dates that they are available. I even created a colour coded table so that everyone could see peoples availability.
Still no response from my sister.
However one of my bridesmaid is offered a job abroad and asks if she we can try and get her dress this weekend (just gone) as she won't be in the UK and wants to get it sorted. To which i reply, not a problem. i explain to my sister why we need to go shopping sooner that August, as that was the only suggestion she made.
My other two friends come down for social reasons, with no intention of buying their dresses, as we did not have the money for all three.

I did not tell my sister of the date change, as based on her previous lack of correspondence; i believed she wasn't available and didn't want to hassle her.

Big surprise on Saturday, My bridesmaids find dresses that they love and my dad offers to pay for the dresses for the girls, the shop even dropped the price from £375 per dress to £200 per dress; if we bought all three that day.

Of course i think this is amazing and i'm so grateful and overwhelmed and there's tears and gratitude and we have an amazing time. Only when i get home after dropping one of my bridesmaid back at the train station. I get a phone call from my mum, saying that my sister has called her up and accused me of deliberately excluding her.

I then phone my sister but she doesn't answer, so i leave a voicemail explaining what happened, that i genuinely believed she wasn't available; and that getting all three rather than one was just good fortune. That i never meant it to seem as though i was excluding her.

By this point i'm in tears and she phones back on my home phone, i repeat again that i didn't mean it to seem like that, but she cuts across me saying but that's how she feels. i try to explain but she keeps cutting across me, to the point where i get so frustrated that i scream, "how dare you! let me finish, stop interrupting me, you always do this!"

At which point she hangs up the phone (now i acknowledge i shouldn't have lost my temper, but she was accusing me of deliberately excluding her, which is unfair, as even the wedding venue was picked with her needs in mind.)
She then sends me two texts, the first telling me never to speak to her like that again (then speaks to me in a similar manner - which is normal for her but grossly hypocritical). And then to tell me that i'd said it was next weekend and that was the weekend she wasn't available, not this one just gone, and that she could have done the Saturday.

I'm so angry, hurt and frustrated, if she didn't tell me her availability, how am i supposed to know?

Should i have phoned her at every step, just to make sure she was ok with my decision?

I'm so angry and feel like i did everything i could to accommodate as many people as possible. Am i over reacting?
I'd be grateful for any advice, i feel so sick right now and i haven't slept properly since.

4 replies

Latest activity by RomanticYellowHair891, 18 of July of 2017 at 21:41
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    RomanticYellowHair891 ·
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    I dont think it was your fault but just lack of communication!! talk to her but not now, wait for few days until you and your sis feel "better" then explain it to her again. I hope it feels ?

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  • HappyIvoryFlowers
    Savvy August 2018
    HappyIvoryFlowers ·
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    Thank you we did talk.

    The first conversation didn't end well. She accused me of being patronizing for asking her to take the time to consider what i had said. i explained my perspective but apparently i was wrong and should have phoned her at every step to check it was ok. Then said she wanted nothing to do with me or the wedding. There were other nasty comments as well about me not caring about her needs, how i didn't love her and how i was the reason she didn't get the chance to study as a child...
    Long story short, to stop a family feud; it ended with us agreeing to "agree to disagree," But apparently i was still wrong. No apology from her, at all, for all the hurtful things she said. Just me having to swallow it and let her believe that i was "stressed."

    Not even sure how i feel... let down, disappointed. All i know is i feel like it's ok for her to talk down to me and make demands on everyone else, because she's older and has so much more to deal with. But i have to be the peacemaker. Never felt so disappointed and hurt in my life.

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    Beginner April 2018
    RomanticPurpleDecor759 ·
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    Hi

    I just wanted to say that I don't think you are at fault at all. I don't have siblings but I'd certainly be majorly annoyed if my sister behaved like you described. I think it is massively unfair of her to behave like she has - how can she not understand that it is your wedding and you can't plan everything tiny step around her diary?!

    If that were me (and I realise everyone is different), I'd just ignore her and carry on and leave it up to her to get involved again and apologise. I'm almost at that stage with family myself if that helps!? You have done loads to accommodate her needs and it is so rude when people don't respond or reply (whether a message about planning or anything e.g. a meet up after work. I realise not everyone is waiting on messages about planning but it's not like she can forget you're planning your wedding is it?

    I'm not surprised you lost your temper on the phone. It doesn't sound like she understands how her behaviour is really effecting you and she needs to. No one should ever make anyone feel rubbish, ever!! If you didn't want to ignore her (I realise that is going to be a bit impractical if you live near each other, are close and is pretty harsh), i'd just carry on notify her of every meet up, giving her a chance to reply as and when she wishes but so she can't accuse you of excluding her - she has the info on meet ups/next steps then she can't be ridiculous and claim you're leaving her out. Good luck and don't feel guilty.

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  • HappyIvoryFlowers
    Savvy August 2018
    HappyIvoryFlowers ·
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    Thank you, i've been beating myself up over this.
    She has a challenging life and so i want to be fair to her, but i also feel like i did everything i could.

    In all honesty it's taken the joy out of planning for me, supposed to go pick up some more artificial flowers so that i can continue making table decorations but just feel like there's a lead weight in my chest now.

    My friends have been supportive but i can't shake the feeling. Thank you for your support.

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    RomanticYellowHair891 ·
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    I hope that you feel better

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