Skip to main content

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

B

Odd behaviour by friend - help?! (Slight WP)

24 of October of 2014 at 13:24 Posted on Off Topic Posts 0 14

Forgive me in advance, as this has slight WP connection, but not that straightforward.. And its a bit long. Sorry.

I met S when i went back to college a few years ago, who has become quite a good friend. Over the last 18 months - 2 years, we've got closer, and our OH's have become good friends, and kids etc too.

When I got engaged this year, I asked her to be one of my BMs (along with 2 other good mates). OH asked her husband to be one of his groomsmen too.

Fast forward a few months, and things have gone a bit weird with S. I have noticed she doesnt text or ring me, and I never speak to her, unless I get in touch with her. We have had a couple of times in recent months, where we have gone a few weeks without speaking to each other. Last time, she text me saying - "Hey, how are you? You seem to have fallen off the radar?" - because I had. I was getting sick of always chasing her friendship. I didn't say anything, and made out like I had been busy, and we met up and everything was fine. I don't like confrontation, and although I didn't make out like it was my fault, I didn't express how I felt about her actions as a friend.

So I havent heard off S for over 3-4 weeks again - even though I have sent her a text message asking a direct question 2 weeks ago regarding the wedding. I had priced up accommodation for her and her children at 2 different hotels, and rang taxi companies for her to get quotes and all kinds, and I just wanted some feedback - but nothing. I understand my wedding is my priority and not neccearily anyone else's, but a bit of of curtesy wouldn't go amiss, especially as she is meant to be a BM (she has not contributed ANYTHING to the wedding, ideas or time or anything so far). I am not a brizezilla, and I certainly don't go on and on about wedding plans to her - thats what Hitched is for! OH hasn't really heard off the husband either.

I am pretty sure we havent done anything wrong, and I understand that people are busy, but over 2 weeks for a message is unreasonable. Besides, I am not even that bothered about the wedding info, I just want to know why she doesn't ever get in touch?!

OH says I should just ignore her till she rings - but I am starting to get wound up. I reckon she is sitting there thinking its my fault.

She doesnt have any other real mates, and I have considered its because of the way she is. It would be a shame to lose her as a friend, but I am very frustrated by it all.

What would you do? Text her and ask if everything is ok? Ignore her till she rings?

If she wasn't my BM, I would have probably given up by now....

14 replies

Latest activity by AuntieBJ, 4 of November of 2014 at 11:29
  • SillyWrong
    Beginner October 2014
    SillyWrong ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    There is only one thing for it ... be completely open about it all and how you feel. Sometimes friends can get a bit funny around wedding stuff, so make sure you acknowledge that you know it's not her priority and that she won't want to hear about the wedding all the time, but at the same time, it's a huge thing in your life at the moment and as a friend, you might have hoped that she'd be excited for you. But make sure the emphasis is on her general absence in your life as opposed to absence as a bm.

    • Reply
  • bliss_balloons
    bliss_balloons ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    Tbh I go through stages where I don't really see or speak to my friends for months. I know when we do get together again it's like we saw each other yesterday though. Just because she's seeing other friends a bit more doesn't mean she's dumped you. I'd text her again, she could have easily forgotten to reply to the one you sent if she's busy with her college course.

    • Reply
  • pammy67
    Beginner April 2015
    pammy67 ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    I agree with SW you need to ask her if anything is wrong and ask if you've done something to upset them - keep it as the couples as you say her OH has also gone off the boil. I wouldn't mention the wedding at all until/unless it becomes necessary and keep it to being about your friendship. All really really easy to say to someone else to do - but I know doing it is incredibly difficult.

    My best friend has been in my life for 19 years but over the past 6 or so it's been a rather strained relationship. I know we all change and I have. We've both been through break-ups and new partners etc. which I know contributes to changing dynamics etc and a refocus of our attentions but I know she's there for me if I need her and this is absolutely reciprocated. But the friendship just isn't the same. We have had the odd conversation about our friendship and even spoke about ending it which neither of us wanted to do. Uncomfortable to do but at least you have the conversation......xx

    • Reply
  • pinkypoo85
    Beginner August 2016
    pinkypoo85 ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    I agree with what the others have said you need to have the conversation with her, as awkward as it may be you will feel better for getting it off your chest.

    I had something similar to this with my good friend. Since I got engaged our relationship has been strained at the best of times. She had a partner with lots of money and basically gone up in the world in her eyes. She could never understand why I couldn’t always afford swanky nights out. She travels for work (cabin crew) so was hardly here and when she was here she expect all her friends to be free, even though I work mon-fri 9-5 she never understood why I couldn’t meet at 3pm on a Tuesday. This went on for about 2 years and I was always the one texting or calling her and felt if I didn’t bother she wouldn’t. I canceled something once as I just wasn’t feeling well, I apologized and she then let out that she felt I never called or text her and she felt the friendship was very one sided which it wasn’t as many of our shared friends agreed she was in the wrong but passing the blame onto me.

    Anyway to cut a long story short it all came to an end in July. While I was on holiday in Menorca I woke up to a text from here just saying she had thought about our friendship and decided I wasn’t worth it. That she would rather have no friends than halfhearted ones. I was so upset, it ruined the last 2 days of my holiday. My OH was fuming as he knew I had been trying for months to sort it and felt she had been selfish. Needless to say we haven’t spoken since. I never replied to the message, childish maybe but I felt this relief in a way that I no longer had to worry that I was being blamed by her for things she was doing. I then deleted her on facebook. Since then a joint friend also got a similar message and so have a few of her friends from wider friend circles. It is sad but I would rather have friends who are there no matter what than blame you for things they are doing wrong. We had been friends since school so it was sad.

    I am a firm believe that friends come and go at different life stages but true friends will always be there. I can count on one hand the number of true friends I have and I think that is probably the case with most people.

    My advice would be to talk to her as that is what we didn’t do. It is horrible to do but if it is a friendship you don’t want to lose then I would say you will have to do it. xxx

    • Reply
  • halloweeny
    Beginner October 2013
    halloweeny ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    That's a tough one. I really feel for you, as it's a bit awkward with her being BM.

    I'd text her again just saying 'how are you?' blah blah about general stuff. Maybe she doesn't like wedding chat?

    If that doesn't take you anywhere maybe ask to meet her and think about asking her straight out if she still wants to be BM.

    No point having a BM if the relationship isn't reciprocal.

    My BM was fab before the wedding, but now we're married i never see her or hear from her. I'll send several texts and get an answer if i'm lucky. I've tired to have the 'what's up' conversation but she was having none of it. Apparently she's busy at work.

    I guess sometimes friendships just fizzle out. Maybe if it's surrounding to a big event in your life it feels more significant than usual. I don't think i would be quite so upset about my BM if she hand't been my BM. i'd probably give up on her and think 'tough luck'. Now i'm desperately holding on to something because I envisaged a life long friendship after being so close and sharing such an important part of my life with her.

    Anyway, i'd give her another chance and then maybe let it be...

    • Reply
  • Chucklevision
    Beginner July 2015
    Chucklevision ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    As everyone else has said you need to have a chat. It could be that she's really busy & replying has slipped her mind. Im terrible at returning text messages - I quite often get texts & get halfway through a response then get distracted or reply but forget to press send so think I've replied but often haven't - its worse since I got a smartphone. So I would probably call rather than text.

    • Reply
  • halloweeny
    Beginner October 2013
    halloweeny ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    Sorry to hear that. How are you feeling about it? Do you still want to be friends with her or are you at the stage where you want to give up?

    Have you asked her if she still wants to be bridesmaid? You could say that you understand it's a difficult time for her and don't want to be a burden....

    HOpe you can sort it all out.

    • Reply
  • halloweeny
    Beginner October 2013
    halloweeny ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    I can totally understand you reconsidering the friendship. I'd do the same to be honest.

    Bit awkward sorting out presents for someone you don't really want to give a present to.

    It might be worth speaking to her closer to the wedding so at least you know if she's still attending and in what capacity.

    I hope she gets back to you with some enthusiastic response. Who knows - it may just be a phase she needs to work through.

    Good luck with it all!

    • Reply
  • cymruangel
    Beginner December 2014
    cymruangel ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    Schwelly, this sounds an awful lot like one of my (feuding) BMs.

    Honestly if she wasn't a BM, I would have given up on her long since this year, as literally everything seems to have taken precedence over our friendship - I went from May to October without seeing her and only speaking electronically perhaps once a month in that time.

    She's a bit spoilt and princessy anyway, so I don't think she's got a clue as to how irked I am, and indeed that she's not just driving the other BM with whom she argued away, but me as well.

    I've decided to just grit my teeth and get on with it, persevere with the wedding planning and then if it all goes to hell in the new year, so be it - I don't have the energy to keep chasing her in the future.

    Both BMs will be getting quite small pressies, and my sister who is Maid of Honour will get something bigger as she's actually been immensely helpful. I may leave them in their rooms at the hotel, so as to make the difference a little less obvious.

    Best of luck with it - I feel your pain!

    • Reply
  • AuntieBJ
    Beginner September 2014
    AuntieBJ ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    I know you have been texting S, but have you tried phoning her? There seems to be a tendency these days for people to only speak via text or FB message and a lot can be sorted out by actually talking. Also, a text is easy to ignore, can be claimed not to be received etc... But a phone call is harder to avoid. Try calling S and leave a message if she doesn't answer. I would try a few times before I gave up on her x

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

General groups

Hitched article topics