A little question about plus ones... *newbie*

Hi everyone, 

I'm new to the forum, so this is also a 'hello'!

We are having a pretty informal wedding reception, mainly outdoors (weather permitting!) A lot of our friends are coming a relatively long way to the wedding, and although they will all know people at the wedding, we thought it might be nice to give them a plus one (presumably someone we won't know), so they have a friend to travel with. Our numbers are now quite high, so I wondered whether people thought the following would be okay:

Invite these friends alone, but pop in a slip to say that if they do want to bring someone, to let us know. That way, hopefully they will assume they can't bring someone automatically, and hopefully will keep down our numbers! What do people think? Is it too rude?!

Thanks!

I'm very pro plus-ones and many aren't, but I think it's an ideal compromise. Some people feel duty-bound to bring someone along, but to make the default just them but to let you know if they want to bring someone, and who it is (for table plans?) might make them feel at ease about coming alone and/or about asking to bring someone. 

We didnt give people plus ones.  We invited couples if it was an established/long-term relationship but that was it.  We didnt want a bunch of randoms that we didnt know.

I think if they know other people at the wedding then why do they need to travel with someone?  They are adults after all?!

But....its your wedding so if you can afford it and dont mind then invite plus ones.

porkchop:

I think if they know other people at the wedding then why do they need to travel with someone?  They are adults after all?!

this. I'll have been travelling alone for 8 hours today by the time I get home, I'll survive I'm sure!

Yes, it would be nice, but don't feel obliged to,nor sacrifice people you really want there to accommodate plus ones

I'm not so worried about them travelling alone, as you say I'm sure they won't freak out!! Just that it's a long journey, I would think that some people might want to combine it with a longer visit. It's definitely not a case of we can afford it either, we're trying to keep the money down as much as possible. My fiance keeps on saying though 'oh just two more won't make any difference, we're only having a barbeque!' He's right, but after he's said it ten times, that's an extra twenty people!

Really tough one.. I think we're going to say if it's not a long-term relationship, then they can come alone. Like somebody has said I don't want our wedding full of people we don't know. I'm sort of going with the thought that if they've been together for 3 years then they can come. Don't ask why three years, i have no idea, but it's something we seem to be following.

THREE YEARS??! My OH and I would boycott any wedding if we weren't both invited, and we only met this year. I guess we're in the minority. I can't bear all that 'you've been together long enough for us to consider you valid'. I've seen it in action before, it's so sad :(

Kentish Gal:

THREE YEARS??! My OH and I would boycott any wedding if we weren't both invited, and we only met this year. I guess we're in the minority. I can't bear all that 'you've been together long enough for us to consider you valid'. I've seen it in action before, it's so sad :(

I wouldn't put a time limit on it, as that's a bit unfair IMO. 

We're inviting partners as we've met most of them, but if we haven't, and the main guest will know other people, then we won't invite them.

But then I'm not inviting certain close members of family so I'm pretty ruthless!

soontobehismrs:

Really tough one.. I think we're going to say if it's not a long-term relationship, then they can come alone. Like somebody has said I don't want our wedding full of people we don't know. I'm sort of going with the thought that if they've been together for 3 years then they can come. Don't ask why three years, i have no idea, but it's something we seem to be following.

This is a bit harsh!  We have known each other just over 2 years and got married in September!  So we'd not be invited as a couple before we'd got married because it was less than three years??  glad you arent my friend!!

My first wedding we had 18 guests including 3 singles, didn't offer them a plus one to the ceremony, just the evening. All hell broke loose when I didn't invite the SIL2B's new beau of 3 weeks but he was gone a month later so I'm glad I didn't! The other couples were all well established, the newest couple was probably 2 years so it wasn't difficult for us.

We were just stung by lack of a plus one when my OH was a best man and I missed the whole thing, we were both gutted and he was close to pulling out. I *did* go to the evening but only because he wanted me there. 

As a result it's plus one's all around for us. Think my friend is bringing her mum maybe (her dad died a month ago), I've never met her but would be very happy to see her, especially as it's a 4hr journey and would be nicer for my friend not to travel alone and pay for room etc on her own.

Kentish Gal:

THREE YEARS??! My OH and I would boycott any wedding if we weren't both invited, and we only met this year. I guess we're in the minority. I can't bear all that 'you've been together long enough for us to consider you valid'. I've seen it in action before, it's so sad :(

See this reasoning I don't understand. OH and I have been together almost 7 years, and wouldn't bat an eyelid if only 1 of us was invited to a wedding without the other. I wouldn't see it as a relationship validity issue, more so a capacity/money issue for the bride and groom to keep adding plus ones!

Personally, we are not inviting any plus ones unless we have met them before. As far as we're concerned, everyone at our wedding will know someone else (mostly family), so I'd rather keep the numbers to people we want to have share our day, rather than people we don't know.

Bluebell25:

Invite these friends alone, but pop in a slip to say that if they do want to bring someone, to let us know. That way, hopefully they will assume they can't bring someone automatically, and hopefully will keep down our numbers! What do people think? Is it too rude?!

Thanks!

I think this is a nice compromise, and will hopefully mean that people will only bring someone really important to them, rather than bringing a random friend/short-term fling to make up the numbers!

We didn't invite partners if we didn't know them.  I wouldn't have a problem with going to a wedding by myself if I knew other people there, and wouldn't mind OH doing the same.

cinnamonfairy:

Kentish Gal:

THREE YEARS??! My OH and I would boycott any wedding if we weren't both invited, and we only met this year. I guess we're in the minority. I can't bear all that 'you've been together long enough for us to consider you valid'. I've seen it in action before, it's so sad :(

See this reasoning I don't understand. OH and I have been together almost 7 years, and wouldn't bat an eyelid if only 1 of us was invited to a wedding without the other. I wouldn't see it as a relationship validity issue, more so a capacity/money issue for the bride and groom to keep adding plus ones!

Personally, we are not inviting any plus ones unless we have met them before. As far as we're concerned, everyone at our wedding will know someone else (mostly family), so I'd rather keep the numbers to people we want to have share our day, rather than people we don't know.

This!!  I actually like getting invited places minus OH and the fact we can have seperate social life's I think it's healthy for a relationship. 

In my opinion if someone is in a serious relationship they should be allowed to bring their partner as that is what OH and I would want too. In fact, if one of our guests finds the love of their life two weeks before our wedding we would try our hardest to accomodate this person if at all possible. Things obviously are different if it is just a fling and I like to think that our friends and family would be aware of how expensive the whole thing is per person and honour our trust in them not to force random people into our big day. For most of our guests we know if they have partners, for people we are not sure about I have no issues asking them what the situation is and then send the invitations worded accordingly (as in we are inviting you AND xy or we are inviting you...).

Just to clarify, you mean plus ones as in partner, right Bluebell? When I first read your post I was under the impression you were thinking of letting people bring friends along - that would definitely be a no for OH and me for our wedding!

We are inviting other half's where we know them in most cases. One exception is a friend who is living with someone I haven't met, but I really want to meet him as she hasn't had a serious relationship before and I'm totally chuffed for her. Another exception is a friend who is married, her H isn't thought of very favourably by my family (parents) and her mother. As I grew up with her, her sister and her mum (more like an Auntie to me), I am inviting them as a family so it doesn't look so bad that I'm not inviting him. I have a few single friends who won't get a generic plus one as they know lots of the guests. If they began a serious relationship before the wedding I would extend the invite to them. I just don't want random plus ones for the sake of it!