Getting Married In Secret in 2 Months!!

Hi

I need a bit of advice. we are getting married in Scotland in 2 months. There will be Me, OH, 4 yr old daughter (and our 2 dogs, we're hiring a cottage that does the ceremony also!!) and our 2 hired witnesses.

I am soooo excited about this, except how do we break the news to family and friends when we get back?

We had booked a wedding venue for June 2013 but the day was becoming less and less what we wanted, and more 'what would impress'.

So...we are 'running away' to have a wedding we both want, but how do we tell family 'oh actually we cancelled the wedding in June and we've done it already' ...needs to be more subtle.

I was thinking maybe a card with a photo and a poem that explain (a bit like a wedding invitation but obviously not lol)

Any help would be appreciated

thank you xx

I think you need to do it in person when you get back.

Maybe arrange a little family evening party thing and then just make an announcement.

It will probably be hard as they would have wanted to share your special day with you but at least then you can turn this party into a little wedding reception party and hopefully that will help the mood!

xx

Hi

I had thought about this, but we both have parents who are divorced and re-married, and they would not all sit the same room as each other :(

thank you

lucywall03:

Hi

 

 

I had thought about this, but we both have parents who are divorced and re-married, and they would not all sit the same room as each other :(

 

 

thank you

 

How come? I thought this about OH's parents at our wedding and they were amazing.

My mother actually did this a few years ago.  She'd been with my step-dad for years and had never even mentioned marriage to any of us but one night she called me (and was a bit drunk by this stage) to drop the bomb that they, along with their best friends who were in a similar situation, had had a secret joint wedding that afternoon!

I'll admit I was a bit annoyed at first but she explained that as it was second time round they didn't want a big fuss and also beacuse they didn't want to spend a fortune (or to have guests spending money travelling etc) so they just done it their own way.  I was actually only annoyed for a few minutes

At the end of the day, it is your day and its up to you how you want to do it so don't let anyone make you feel bad once you tell them.  I actually think the card with the photo and poem is agreat idea

I agree with jklee!

Although it feels like the right thing for you to do, and it is your special day, there's no avoiding the fact that they are likely to feel very hurt and left out, especially as you had already set a date for them to look forward to.  I think telling them by card would be even more hurtful, because it looks like you don't want to explain yourself in person.

I would definitely avoid doing it in a card and poem. I agree they will be upset, especially as you have set a date and they will be all excited about seeing you in your dress and your dad giving you away etc. If your parents won't be in the same room together then just do 2 separate 'tellings', just make sure they are very close together, so nobody finds out through someone else and causes more hurt. Then when you and everyone are ready have a party. Your parents will have to put up with it the same as they would if you didn't 'run away'.

Ok your probably not going to like this but my sister done this and it really really hurt the rest of the family, she done it on a Tuesday and phoned me at work to tell me she has just got married, whist I respected her reasons for doing it, the actual act it's self was very hurtful to the rest of the family and is still something that is talked about now 4 years on. I dont honestly think there is any way that you can tell your family with out it upsetting them and them feeling very left out.

Sorry but I think a lot of people are missing the point OP did not want the big wedding.

You do what you want and if the family don't like it, it's their problem. Sorry but I get fed of people doing what other people want!

If it were me then I would call immediate family mums/dads and then send a card, maybe throw a little party if you want to - have a great day !!!

Another vote for doing it in person - even if you have to have two seperate "family gatherings" to tell everyone.

I know that to you and your OH, the wedding isn't a big deal at all, but to many other people weddings are a really big deal - quite often the family members seem to care more about the wedding than the two people getting married! But you really need to be mindful of that when you break the news.

I hope it goes down as well as can be expected and your family and friends understand. Good luck :)

I think if you tell everyone before you do it and give them time to adjust it might go down better. I couldn't imagine not having my mum and bro with me though.

I could never do this, my Mum and Dad would have been destroyed. My SIL did it (although without her having any advance knowledge about it) and I saw how upset my PILs were and actually how regretful she is sometimes.

When you felt the wedding was getting a bit much for you, did you talk with them about it? Were there arguments/problems that were clearly exposed? Did you tell them you were unhappy with it all? I ask because, if so, it might be slightly less of a shock for them to hear you've sacked it all off. If, however, you never objected and gave them a chance to mend any issues, it might be much more difficult for them.

I'd do it in person, never by card. I think that looks a bit cowardly. I'd also, despite how you might feel, really focus on the fact that you wanted to do it just the two of you, not that you didn't want what they had envisioned. It's a subtle difference but it might make them feel less to blame (even if they are). I'd also avoid a public place to do the telling, as I honestly think you're going to have to deal with a lot of emotion. 

Hi

Can't figure out how to post a normal reply lol

thank you for all the thoughts and feedback. It has given me plenty to think about.

I have never been one for fuss or attention so was also after a day that reflected that, however it had turned into a wedding where the budget was £18000!! We all know everybody goes over budget so we're taking more like £20k for 1 day! 

Yet none of the money was being spent on things we wanted. All seemed to be around 'pleasing the guests' and 'did it meet family expectations'. I felt that this is the one day where every decision should be about me and OH, yet we weren't making any decision for us, all to 'impress family'.

I fully understand this is a family day, therefore i feel family should be happy with just being there, not who's got what presents, and if the food is good enough (3 courses £65 a head and my mum moaned at the sample meal!!)

thank you for your comments, i think i meal after the wedding is the best route to go down. whether we have one or 2 is a different matter lol

xxxx

ESW there are ways of doing what you want to do without a "screw you!" attitude, family and friends are there to enrich your life and it's a nice way to live to be mindful of other peoples' feelings. Most of the posters on here haven't told the OP to scrap their plan for a secret wedding, we'r just suggesting that there are kinder ways to break the news than in a card, and also warning her that the emotional impact of her decision to wed in secret may be bigger and more long term than she had maybe realised.