OMG A family grudge - help!

Ok, I had a rant a few months ago over at http://www.hitched.co.uk/chat/forums/p/298606/2800668.aspx#2800668 as my brother is generally a muppet and we have fallen out. Now, since we have fallen out I have sent gifts to my nieces on their birthdays and card to him on his. In return I've had messaged passed back about how it's all down to me to call (so he can tell me off and hang up on me). I'm really not interested in doing that and I think I've already made the first move BUT get this....yesterday I get a message (and this is the first I have every heard this) saying how it was my fault he moved out of home at such a young age (apparantly this led to his downfall...) and he blames me for ruining everything/his life.

It's worth noting this was 24 years ago and I was NINE years old. So a very, very long grudge and well, I find it a bit worrying that he's still clinging to it and I really do wonder about his mental health.

Anyway, because of this fresh/vintage grudge I'm really worried about inviting him to the wedding. I don't want him there by any means and I know he won't come (unless he gets wind of me not wanting him there!) and I can guarantee he won't RSVP but everyone else thinks there's a small chance he will turn up if he's asked. I'm worried that he will come along and try to ruin the day, pick fights and generally be the little boy he's always been BUT I feel I have to invite him as I want my nieces to know I wanted them there and that I haven't forgotten about them/stopped loving them just because their Dad hates the World (and seemingly me since i was nine!). Really the sole purpose of sending it would be so they know they weren't forgotten (quote "I'm going to turn the girls against her").

Also, everyone else in the family thinks I should send it so my conscience is clear and I know I've done all I can to rise above it.

OH and I were 100% certain we would send an invite until the lastest tirade of hate came my way but now he's adamant it's a no or at least a no until it's too late for my loving brother to save/book accommodation.

So, question...would you send an invite and take the teeny (and I mean teeny) chance he will turn up and act the a*se or would you not issue one at all and just hope that one day you get to explain to the kids that it wasn't because you didn't love them?

I reckong you'll all say 'don't send it' but I will feel terrible if the girls are left thinking "auntie X hates us"!

I remember your original post about this.

There isn't a 100% guarantee to him not turning up regardless of any RSVP status.

I know you really wanted his kids there, but to be honest given the situation and stress it is giving you, I'd advice not even inviting him. You don't want him there, he doesn't care how this is making you feel in the run up to your wedding or he'd not be putting this all on you, His actions show that it really doesn't matter to him if this all effects his kids. He will play the martyr which ever way this turns out as it seems this is how he keeps peoples attention on him- sad really! and yes seems he does have some sort of mental health issues IMO. Leave him to it and get on with planning a wedding you will enjoy, try and keep as much contact with his kids as possible so they can come to you when the are old enough - they will know what he is like regardless of how he treats them because they HAVE to live with him.

You don't need this, so put it to the back of your mind and organise a day that you and others who care for you will enjoy.

L x  

I would say send it, then put the whole thing to the back of your mind x

I wouldn't invite him if I was in your position.

hmm tricky one - if it was me I'd be inclined to invite him - and then pray really really hard that he wouldnt come!

but I don't know the history between you both so if he's been horrible and selfish and nasty for a long time then maybe it's time to cut him out of your life. Its really crap and my step mum had to do the same with her brother twice, which was so hard because she really tried due to his children as well. but sometimes the constant heartache is just too much.

I suppose I'm saying you have to make the choice really - its easy to say don't worry what other people will think but at the same time you don't want to give him any ammunition to use against you. Think about what might happen and how you'd feel if you did invite him - to if you didnt - and weigh up the risks both sides.

good luck xxxxx

Family being family he will know the details of your wedding, invite or not so the chances of him coming to possibly cause grief don't really change.

I tend to agree with your family and send him the invite anyway to rise above it. Is there a chance you could pre-warn a couple of other guests to remove him from the venue IF he does decide to be a nonce?

I am in the same boat as you.  My sister has had a long running feud with me but forgot to tell me about it  and was pleasant to me but not so nice about me to others.  we came to a disagreement amount another issue and she threw in my face she wouldn't come to my wedding and neither will my nephew.  She was supposed to be my BM so it caused a bit of upset to me but I got over it and moved on.  I also didn't send them an invite as we only want people at my wedding who love and support us.  So in answer to your question I wouldn't send one, but I am quite stubborn!

We have got the same problem with OH family, his Mum passed when he was 18 and his aunty (mums sister) kinda stepped into the role(as much as you can for an 18 year old) so he used to be really close to them and one day they just decided that they didnt want anything to do with us and have not sent the kids any birthday cards, invited us to anything or had any contact with us for two years now, we agognised for ages about if we should invite them or not, decidede not to sent out the save the dates and left it at that. A few months ago the OH had a conversation with his dad who adviced that that we should invite them as it was what his mum would have wanted, I have always been very firm about it being his choice and I am happy either way. We have decided to invite them knowing that they probably wont come but we have done the grown up thing and there is no guilt on the OH side and no snide comments can be made on the day from his family that are coming. x

I remember your original problems over all this, yet I would still say send it and be the bigger person. Just so that you know you did the right thing and did the best in terms of family bonds and your nieces.

Personally, although it sounds like he is being an idiot, I would send an invite, especially then as the children will know you have invited them (if they get to see the invite that is!).  Be the bigger person and rise above it all, you will have done the right thing and feel great.  It is then upto him how he deals with it.

Sorry to hear about your famliy problems - not what you want when you should be getting excited for the big day!

How old are your neices - I assume they are pretty young still? Do you parents see much of the girls (if you parents are still arround of cause)? Maybe you can still see them when they are with their grandparents and still build a relationship.

In terms of the wedding - It would be a worry about him causing trouble on the day. I obviously don't know very much about him, but he's still you brother, so hopefully he won't go that low!!!

I would be included to send an invite to and then it isn't anotehr grudge which will be brought up later in the day. Maybe with a note to say that you know your relationship isn't great but it's you wedding day. Then mention that even if he didn't feel like he could come, then you would still love to see your neices and maybe another family member could take them?

Then as sassy said have some guests on hand to ask himt o leave if he starts causing a fuss!

Good luck! Let us kow what you do! x 

I wouldn't send an invite. I would ring him though, and have it out. Not to make the peace (unless he seems sorry), but to tell him how ridiculous he sounds. I would make it clear that him and kids are welcome if there is a future to your relationship.

If it's a grudge he has harboured for a long time though I'd probably get used to not having them about in all honesty. Sorry, hope things surprise you and get sorted pre wedding though.

Thanks everyone for your replies, sometimes it's just hearing outsiders views that can make you think rather than family saying "do this" or "don't do that"! I'm still completely undecided, everytime I think "I'll do it so I feel good that I've done right" then I read the last message that was sent and think "nope" because, despite being my 'brother' he WOULD stoop so low as to cause a scene unfortunately and there sure is a lot of hate in his mails and texts.

I still can't believe he's blaming me for things (I have no idea what things I might add) when I was 9 years old though I do think the very fact I was born was his stumbling block, he's very jealous so god only knows what he thougth at age 7 when a screaming baby took mummy's attention away ;-) My other brother wasn't bothered mind you!

In other news he said (right before an insult) that I was "a grown woman" so Yay! he's finally acknowledged I'm not a kid anymore, now, if I can just get him to stop calling me his 'little sister' in a derogatory manner and an 'immature little girl' (what I was called when I mentioned that I though he should get a job!) then I'm sorted.

Familes...aren't they wonderful?!

I have a similiar situation with my brother.  Bascially as when he was 17 and I was born then, he was relegated from position of the 'baby' and has taken it out on me since.  The unforgivable thing was when he attacked my OH religion and to defend him my mother told poeple i had fallen out with my brother as he had caught me cheating on my OH (yes, i was in disbelief at this too)  I don't want him anywhere near my wedding but as of his family have too decided to invite to avoid stress.  Though it will be obvious on the day that i do not consider him family to extent i am only reserving seating for close family on OH's side and having my side as a free for all as my father will already be sat near me as he is giving me away.  Like you i don't want my brother there and found that it has put a dampner on the day and planning but know that other people wouold then put a dampner on the day also if i did not invite him, such as my parents and hsi family.  The best idea of plan i have found is to relegate friends and BMs, they are aware of the situation and they will keep him away from me.

That sucks Graceyfly and PinPin. Bloody families eh? I've had a falling out with my sister - not just me though, the whole family, so she isn't invited to my wedding but tbh, i don't think she gives a rat's bum.  Unlike Pinpin I'm in the fortunate position to invite my niece and nephews without inviting 'her'.  Could you invite the kids anyway? Even if they didn't come (or you brother won't allow them too) at least that way they will know that you invited them and wanted them to share it with you.

Hope both of you get something sorted and that everything goes well on the day.  I think the idea of having a few people on hand for "crowd control" is always a good idea.  I've got that happening just incase 'she' does show up, or my many uncles get too pissed and start fighting with everyone around them (I'm dead classy me).

x