Bah, families [vent]

Having some family drama, and I just kind of need to vent really.

My brother, younger than me by 2 and a half years, was in a long term relationship with a complete nutcase for ages. She was older than him by 6 and a half years, and had a child from a previous relationship. My brother proposed to her when they'd been together nearly 2 years, although he was only 17 at the time, and mainly because she had pestered him into it. Boxing day two years ago, they had a little baby girl together.

Now, it's a long complicated story, and I'm not even sure if I can really talk about it, but long story short, she now lives with her maternal uncle and aunt. My brother and his then-fiancee broke up over a year ago, and she tortured him over it, one minute saying she still loved him and she would take him back, the next telling him that he was a horrible person. Only a few months later, she had met someone new, and apparently, they're engaged and living together. I feel sorry for that guy, because she really is a mental case if I'm honest.

Now, my brother met someone online, and they started going out. She was living in Scotland, but not happily, as her family is a bit doolally. I dunno where my brother finds these women but anyway, they started going out about August. About a month ago, things with her family went from bad to worse, and she had to move out, despite having no money. She went to live with her Dad (parents separated years ago), but he lives in a one bedroom flat with his new partner, so it wasn't ideal. So my brother asked if she wanted to move in with him (he still lives with my Mom and youngest brother). My Mom was a bit wary but agreed, so this weekend, my brother went up to Scotland and brought his girlfriend back.

Then yesterday, we were going out to watch a film, and my brother pulls me to one side before we leave, and tells me he proposed on Saturday. I was completely shocked - I mean, the girlfriend is nice enough, but they've only been together 9 months! And haven't really seen each other very much because of the distance! There's nothing I can say to him, because he's very stubborn, plus of course, it's out there now, he can't exactly take it back. But I really think he's rushed into this. I think because of everything that's gone on with his ex and his daughter, he's rushing into it because he's feeling - I dunno, vulnerable? He's only 22, she's 24 (actually 2 weeks older than me), which is still young! Me and my OH have been together 5 years and we only got engaged at Christmas, not that we're the standard to live by, but 9 months! I just can't bear to see him get hurt again

Anyway, sorry about the rant, just needed to get it off my chest...

He's a grown man, if he gets hurt again it's his own doing.

I was engaged and pregnant after 6 months with my (now) H, who I also met online.

These things can work out!

Although I understand your wariness about it, he's 22 and is an adult and he needs to make his own choices.

If you tell him you think he's doing the wrong thing, you may end up losing him. All you can do is make the effort with his new ladyfriend and be there for him whatever way it goes.

I moved in with my H after 6 months which many people thought was too soon. But here we are, together nearly 5 years and married. It worked for us.

As hard as it is, he is his own person, he doesnt belong to you. I think as an older sister (am one) you feel protective over your brother, but you sometimes have to step back and let them be themselves.

I can see why you're worried, but your brother is an adult.

There is no time scale when it comes to love and marriage.  If he loves her & wants to marry her, then so what?  Just because it didn't work out with his ex, doesn't mean it wont work out this time.

I don't know the circumstances or anything but if she's moved all the way from Scotland to be with him, my guess is that she isn't just in it for the fun of it.

Whatever will be, will be.  And you just need to be the supportive big sister :)

H proposed to me after "officially" 6 months (unofficially it was 12). My brother was with his wife for 13 years before he proposed. I know which of us is happier at the moment.

Oh, I'm not worried about the online meeting, that doesn't bother me at all, it's more just the suddenness of it, it seems insanely fast. 9 months of a normal relationship is fast, but they have only met up ummm 6 or 7 times because of the distance?

I don't know, I'm not going to say anything to him obviously, and I'll support him regardless, I just needed to air my feelings I think...

As others have said, He's a grown man, and if he get's hurt, then it's his own doing.

Getting engaged isn't the binding agreement that is marriage.  If he splits with her, then there's just a broken engagement, and not a divorce!  And if it is a rebound thing and he's only doing it because he's vunerable, then maybe it's just something he has to do.  All you can really do is be there for him and don't judge him too harshly for his choices.

You never know!  this one could work out!  Life has a funny way of working itself out, even if the path that get's you there isn't that clear.

I don't really see anything wrong with it.

BumbleBrat:

I don't really see anything wrong with it.

 

Agreed.  If he was 15 then I would be concerned but he's 22...

I'd be concerned too if the new GF is a bit of a fruitloop like the last one but all you can do is support him, hope for the best and be there for the fall out if it happens.

I think I'm worried that none of us - including my brother - know her well enough to know if she is a fruitloop or not.

Bah, I dunno, I'm very good at keeping things to myself, so I'll suffer in silence

samwiches:

think I'm worried that none of us - including my brother - know her well enough

Its not down to you and you're family, its down to your brother to figure that one out.

It may be soon, but sometimes it just feels right. I met my OH when I was on holiday, and he was living in Spain. We ended up spending the week together, then I went home and we both felt completely lost without each other. After 2 months of talking online, he moved back here (he's English but had moved to Spain 3 years previously).

He intended to stay with me for a week or 2 but ended up staying indefinitely. 10 months after we first met he proposed. It was quick, but it just felt right (although before meeting C, if someone had told me this story, I'd have thought it was mad!). We've been together almost 2 years now. I'd been with my last boyfriend for 5 years and we never got engaged or even properly lived together.

Unfortunatley it's his life to live - but I can see why you would worry for him, we all get concerned about friends and family members sometimes even when theres nothing we can do.

Don't get hung up on the time they've been together though or how they met - these things are irrellevant. If it were me I'd be more worried about his reasons for it, but then again it could well be that this is just how things are working out. I got with my OH 2 months after breaking up with my ex of 4 years who left me rather messed up, even I was sceptical but here I am planning a wedding, and its for the right reasons..

samwiches:

it's more just the suddenness of it, it seems insanely fast. 9 months of a normal relationship is fast, but they have only met up ummm 6 or 7 times because of the distance?

It's up to him really though I can see why you're worried - the timing I don't think is an issue but the distance might be. OH and I got engaged after 1 month but we were around each other every day and got to know one another really well - had met each other's families already etc. So it is possible he needs more one-on-one time to really know her. Age also isn't a problem to me - I'm 22 and already married. Every couple works differently, the only thing that rings alarm bells for me is the fact they've spent little time around one another.

But he's an adult and needs to be free to make his own mistakes.