Cheif bridesmaid wants a baby! Selfish rant, help!

Ok, first of all I know I can't or want to interfer with someones life plans but I need your opinions as i'm fuming inside and don't want to fall out with her.

she has a 3 year old and wants another, wasn't going to have one for a while but is now saying wants to get on in before my wedding in June 2013. She is my cheif bridesmaid and organising hen and wedding stuff. You may think my thinking is premature but it's stressing me out! She's not pregnant yet but wants to start trying this month thinking as she caught last time will catch quickly this time ie June for it to be born March 13. Pie in the sky dates as far as im concerned but that's what she's working on.

Had a conversation with best mates talking about hen ideas etc for May 13 and sad i'd love to go abroad "I cant do that as ill have an 8 week old baby and i'm not prepared to leave it, not fair, what if something was wrong etc" "theres plenty of other things we can do etc"!

I feel like already MY wedding.hen is being worked around her pregnancy plans. Now lets say she doesnt catch straight away and we're into July/August giving a due date of ....MY WEDDING! so potentially missing my hen do and wedding or has a newborn and selfihsly im thinking she's my chief and i need her there for me on the day, over the wedding weekend etc.

So, what do i do? I'm feeling like if babies are the priority then she cant be my Chief (this is my best mate though!) and she either waits and puts 100% into this or gets pregnant now and it'll be a few months old....but again I cant say to her if you arn't pregnant by July are you going to leave it?! can i??

We've talked briefly about this but not since we talked about the hen do and I cant go abraod cos she has a baby!! I dont want to argue with her and it come out wrong as it often does with me! i'm not sure whats worse her being pregnant and not being able to drink, ready to drop and the risk of her missing it all or having a newborn and not being there for me!?!!

So hence why i'm posting as i need impartial views. I dont think im being a bridezilla but just feel like one or the other needs to be a priority. she's always told me shes my chief as i was hers and wants to do all the organising and says even with a baby things wont change but it's stressing me out!

Help!! x

Personally at the moment I would leave it as her as chief and see what happens.  If she ends up being due at wedding then I would think about changing it and maybe her doing a reading if there but it's fine if she's not, but still refer to her as BM etc.  At least you'd have 9 months notice to plan it.  I really wouldnt do anything yet,  Remember sometimes ppl take a while to get pregnant or things happen along the way and it would be so awful if at the end of this she didn't have a baby like she wants by your wedding, plus wasnt a BM?  Just my opinion but I do understand your concerns.

My MOH is pregnant at the moment, due a few months before the wedding.

To me, this isn't a problem at all as I think there is nothing more important in anyones life that their children and am over the moon for her.

It never crossed my mind that she wouldn't be able to fully participate in the hen but this isn't a problem for me as I can't afford to do anything big!

I'd give her all the support you can as you don't want to end up falling out with your best friend over something as joyous as a baby!

At the end of the day, the only 2 people who need to be fighting fit on the wedding day are you and your OH so I'd just concentrate on the two of you and let everything else go with the flow :-)

Your wedding isn't the be all and end all of her life, if she's planning something as life changing as having a baby just be pleased for her. Whatever you do don't suggest she "waits and puts 100% it"...unless you want to lose a friend!

mel&mike:

just feel like one or the other needs to be a priority. 

Honest opinion - I think you're being a total bridezilla. Her life does not revolve around your wedding. For me it is easy, her life aka her having a baby has to be her priority. 

If you were my friend and had those opinions, well...we wouldn't be friends any more. This statement in particular some across as particularly selfish: 

mel&mike:

i'm not sure whats worse her being pregnant and not being able to drink, ready to drop and the risk of her missing it all or having a newborn and not being there for me!?!!

My advice is speak to her, support her but make it clear that you will carry on with your normal plans (going abroad etc) and she can fit into them as and when depending on the situation. She can still support you on the day. 

Thanks ladies,

I'm in now way expecting or wanting my wedding to be her be all and end all! we are 34 and too old to fall out! but it's just so close date wise to wedding dates that i worry she'll not be there. she's always said she'd never risk being pregnant if i were to get married (not my doing hers as she's desperate to be my chief) so i was just surprised at the changed rush to get pregnant!

I think whats annoyed me more is the assumption my hen do has to fit her needs and not mine! she's never allow me to say that if it was the otherway round!

x

I think you're right that the hen do should not revolve around her needs...if she wants to have a baby then great and I don't think you should panic at this point but if you want to go away for your hen do then go away, she's chosen to get pregnant and therefore she's chosen to miss out.

I think you need to see how it goes, she may not fall at all till after your wedding.

I ordered my BM dresses in mid January and in early Feb had a phone call from one of my BM saying she was pregenant - ok so shes not my CBM - but she will be 8 months at the wedding! The shop have ordered me extra material to alter her dress nearer the time. I support her 100% of the way and she even offered to pull out, I told her to stop being stupid and I had asked her for a reason.

You don't say how may BM's you have but is there someone how can step in if she does fall? I know it's your big day and the only thing that is important to you, but she may want to try now for reasons of her own.

If it was me I would try not to worry till near the time. Good luck x

I see where you are coming from.  Despite what has been said, i think we would all feel pretty miffed if our CBM decided to dictate elements of our weddings based on their family planning.  I think you need to put your foot down in terms of your Hen Party, arrange a day with just her and you and a few friends in a non-alcholic manner and then go on a proper hen do with the rest of your friends.  You only get to do this once so don't sacrifice it for someone else's plans.  I would also perhaps if she does get pregnant demote her to ordinary BM and have someone at hand who you know will be there.

I have her as my CBM and my sister as BM. she has always asked me to promise she'll be my CBM and the one to sort out my hen do which i've always said to her of course it would be her, we've been friends for 15 years!

I'm over the moom for her as far as babies as concerned, im next but do think (as harsh as it sounds) she needs to look at the dates and realise how close they are to the wedding! If she wasnt CBM and demading to be the one in charge of everything i wouldnt care. I have other friends who will be pregant an it doesnt bother me, it's great but I dont feel she can do both! As awful as it sounds when i read that back!

x

Kind of echoing mostly what everyone else has said!

I totally get where you're coming from. I know myself that when I have a plan in my head it just has to happen like that and I don't cope very well with change. I'd also know I'd be particularly upset if my CBM couldn't make some of my wedding etc as I've gone through this!

On the other hand, having a baby is a massive deal, much more so than your wedding (maybe not to you of course but to her!) I think you just need to support her in this so not to risk losing from what sounds a VERY CLOSE friend and wait and see what happens.

There are lots of possibilities.

If she has the baby BEFORE your wedding. I would keep her as your CBM. I think she's definitely be able to be there for you on the day as presumably her partner would be around to take care of the baby. As for the hen night, if you still want to go abroad, DO IT, she can't dictate that, its YOUR hen night and HER choice to have a baby. On the other hand, I'd know I'd be gutted if my CBM wasn't on my hen so you'd just have to decide if it's worth compromising on to have her there! And if she can't drink that doesn't really matter at all!

If she falls pregnant so that baby is due AROUND THE TIME of your wedding. I would consider choosing a different CBM and maybe calmly and nicely mention this to her, that if she decided to get pregnant and it happens this way that you'd feel it best that she was just a BM rather than a CBM incase she can't make it/carry out her role fully! If she wants to be your CBM so much maybe she'll have a second thought and delay trying for a bit!

Finally, it may take her longer this time, fertility changes and if she falls pregnant so that the baby is due AFTER your wedding. No problem, okay so you'll have to figure her dress out with a bump possibly and again she may not be able to drink but minor issues!

Whatever the case may be, just remember you love your friend and in any other circumstance you'd be over the moon about her having a baby!

I think you're being a bit (sorry, hate this word) but selfish BUT I think I can see where you're coming from or at least the bit that would have annoyed me...I cannot stand someone deciding MONTHS in advance that they can't do something. The arranging now that she won't make your hen seems a bit selfish on her part to be prattling on about (not to mention how silly it sounds to be planning as much as this over something that may not fall into her tight timeline! Surely she could leave it as "we're trying" then you both just see what happens and deal with it nearer the time?! If she is pregnant then I personally would step down if it were me but offer all the help I could and as for missing the hen, well, I can imagine she wouldn't go abroad but you could always do something together at home - a spa day for instance so she isnt missing it all and you aren't missing her not being at the main Hen.

Whatever happens there will be a way round it all and a compromise to be made without either of you having to lose out!

I will arrange my hen do around my guests as I think it is nice for everyone to be involved. I think thats she is your best mate and children are beautiful things and wonderful to have at a wedding. If its the planning ur worried about she can share the duties with someone else. If my cheif said to me said wanted a baby i'd be extatic, I would probs leave my wedding to go to the hosp with her if she dropped that day! I think see how it goes. Thats my impartial opinion, I always worry and care too much for others :/!

Good luck

Hey hun your not selfish it is your day and hen and it is about you for that time.

A few years ago I was meant to be my friends MOH and i was pregnant with our first son and in the end i stepped down (my choice) as i didnt want to over shaddow her day. i would have been ready to pop and thats not fair on her or me for stress. as a result i was able to enjoy her day and my pregnancy.

In all honesty id have a chat with her and just explain that you want her to enjoy your day too and dont think her being MOH will be fair on her or the baby and maybe her being a guest is a better option? (obviously not this wording lol) You need someone who can be there for u and do what YOU want, it is after all about you.. and i guess a little about the groom ;) If she is a good enough friend she will understand, Just try to make it come across as its more for her and baby.

Hth! x

Dont regret anything from you day

wow.

perhaps your wedding is not the most important thing in your CBM's life? 

Just a thought.