Various wedding related stresses *rant and long post alert*

Hey

I just needed to get stuff off my chest so bit of a self indulgent post I'm afraid

When I first got engaged, I was really excited and asked my auntie (C) and best friend (L) to be Matron and maid of honour and then my other friend (S) and young cousin (J) to be bridesmaids.  I realise I jumped in quickly and perhaps should have waited (according to my mum)

My friend lost her dad just before our engagement and then lost her mum about 6 months after the engagement so I didn't ask her to help me with anything as I hadn't really got anything to do with it being 2 years away.

Anyway, skip forward to 2011 and beg of this year.  My best friend (L) hasn't been at all interested in any of the plans, she hasn't even asked how things are going, if she can do anything - nothing.  I realised it would be because she was in a bad place after losing her mum and dad but towards the end of last year, I confronted her asking if she still wanted to do it and she said it sounds like you don't want me to so I let it drop because I do want her to be that's why I asked her.  Then when the discussion of a head piece came up she said I'm not having anything in my hair or anyone touching my hair, then when the discussion of wearing sashes at my hen do came up, she said you lot can but I'm not.  She's refusing to make a speech, dance or generally just get involved.  When talking about my hen do and I suggested something she said 'I'd be bored' and I'm getting a little annoyed as the other day we had a bridesmaids day to get dress fabric and again she is refusing to do stuff that I want.

Now for my auntie - Her mum has been diagnosed with Altzeimers/Dementia (sp?) and so is in a rehabilitation unit at the moment but is not good.  My auntie has had to cancel 2 get togethers for the bridesmaids so far and the other day told me she was worried and that maybe it would be best if I just had my friends because either way she would end up letting me down (if she lost her mum)  she is also off work with stress and depression and so my mum has said leave it nearer the time but the dresses need to be made by the end of March in order to take them down.  I don't know what to suggest to her as I don't want to make things worse by saying 'no don't do it'

My other 2 bridesmaids have been brill especially my friend who has been there for me all the way through asking how things are going, offering to help, listening to me stress, giving me ideas to de-stress.  In fact she is more of a maid of honour!

I have spoken to my mum regarding the first 2 paragraphs and she said I am being cold, selfish and heartless and want to be the centre of attention and everyone else can go to hell.  I have never ever said that and I have never quizzed my auntie.  She has brought it up twice. My mum also says I am stressing over something that doesn't matter when I've got 'loads of time' as the wedding is still ages away yet. My OH has said tell my auntie I would rather have a happy healthy auntie as a guest than a matron of honour who is about to collapse because she has too much on her plate.

I am at the end of my teather with everything - on top of all of this I lost my job just before Christmas and am trying to do a uni degree too.  I also posted on another post about changing my name as that is stressing me out and I'm not sleeping because of it all.

1) I am very close to telling my Maid of Honour (L) to not bother doing it and giving the role to S as I feel she is more worthy of it.

2) I don't know what to do about my auntie

3) My mum thinks I am being selfish and controlling because I asked her not to invite anyone else after she invited someone I specificially asked her not to. (She is paying for the food so I've been linient as I couldn't really do much else.)  Then she said she's only offered to pay for us to have a car and photographer to shut me up because I want everything my own way.

I don't think I'm as bad as my mum is making out but she really upset me yesterday.  At the end of the day, the main thing is that I get married to OH but all this stress is taking away the good side of the wedding planning.

Any advice about the above would be appreciated.

Thank you for reading

Emx

I sympathise...

Your Auntie - I think your OH has hit it on the head. Speak to her and explain that you want her to enjoy the wedding, not feel that you have put her under too much stress. Perhaps she can get an outfit in a similar colour to the bridesmaids dresses and still have a few easy duties?

MOH - Tough one. It could be something to do with losing her parents, maybe knowing that her parents won't be at her wedding? However, her attitude is causing problems and it sounds like she won't respond well if you try to talk to her. COuld you secretly give some duties to your BM or suggest to MOH that you make them both MOH as there is a lot to do and you think that will be easier?

Mum - It is difficult to explain to someone else just how important your wedding is to you and how seemingly selfish/inconsequential things really matter! I would suggest that you need to find time to relax. Exercise, hobbies, pampering? That might help you sleep. I'm guessing that your mum isn't easy to talk to but that is all I can suggest. If she says something hurtful, tell her as calmly as you can "That really hurt my feelings. I want to involve you in this but it is very difficult when you say things like that." As to the guest issue - Say no. If she wishes to be catty so be it. She might be paying for things but (i imagine) that is her choice. She hasn't bought shares, she has made a gift. very different things!

Best of luck. We all have those moments when everything seems to be going wrong. Try to find a fun element of planning to focus on next. See if that helps you get your mojo back.

Hi thank you for your response.

My auntie I am going to talk to her and explain the above and how she is feeling and that she doesn't need to feel anymore pressure.

MOH yeah my mum said this may be the reason but OH said although I have to be understanding, she should also try to be as supportive as possible or explain that it's upsetting her too much.

My mum - I forgot to say she is a bit of a control freak but normally in a good, non harmful way.  She is also a teacher and that in her makes her come across as bossy.  I have spoken to her and she has explained that she wants to plan a few surprises for me and by me wanting to know the ins and outs of everything it is spoiling her doing the surprises.  I have told her she hurt my feelings but she hasn't apologised.  She is also stressed as she starts her new job soon and is getting nervous.

Thanks again

Emx

Oh dear, you poor thing! I am also finding wedding planning pretty stressful - it can be difficult to fit it around your normal life and deal with all your own emotions, let alone everyone elses. Wedding plans seem to bring the best and worst out in people!

You should definitely speak to your auntie - find out what would be best for her, and if being a bridesmaid is too much stress then she can just be a guest - or maybe have another role, such as witness or doing a reading?

As for your MOH - I can't imagine how painful it has been losing her parents, and undoubtably this is why she isn't exactly in the wedding mood. Not really sure what to suggest though as talking to her sounds difficult - sorry

As for your mum I know how you feel! Mine drives me pretty crazy - and wedding planning seems to make them even crazier. They need some subtle reminders that it is YOUR wedding, not theirs, even if they are contributing to the cost.

Sounds like all the stress is really getting on top of you - try spending a weekend without doing any wedding planning - do something nice with your OH, and maybe chat to your mum and friends about stuff other than the wedding.

Hope you manage to sort it all out!