jojo2:

Dani1984:

I seriously don't get these abroad stag and hen weekends

 

 

 

It makes my afternoon cream tea, river cruise and dinner on my hen day sound positively boring

 

i havent read the replies, i just wanted to give you a little bit of my H’s experience of Prague...

He went on a stag do (before we met) to Prague with about 20 blokes, none of them were known cheaters or anything, yes they were planning on going to strip clubs etc etc, but noone had ever done anything worse than look at any of the previous stag do’s in England (there had been at least 4 or 5). 

So, they go to this strip club, and end up upstairs having a private show, these 2 girls are at it using all sorts on each other, then the stag jumps on the bed and starts messing around with them, one thing leads to another and when the stripper is bend over with her arse in the stags face he turned around, winked at the lads and then *TMI* licked the girls bottom hole. At this point they all roared with laughter, another couple of lads jumped in, and my H and his best mate left and ended up moving hotels.

The stag went on to get married and his wife still to this day doesn’t know, neither do many of the other wives.

I’m all for trusting your OH wherever he is, but beware that men tend to be a lot braver in other countries, and they are very much ‘anything goes’. 

My H says he would never go on a stag out of the country again, he thought it was disgusting.

OMG that poor woman marrying that man! ^^^

I can't say I'm looking forward to my OH going to see strippers both on his own stag do and on a friends thats coming up soon.  My OH's best man (younger brother) seems to think he's planning 'The Hangover 3' and despite my OH sitting him down and explaining that he doesn't want certain things or to go abroad he doesn't seem to be listening.  He is a lot younger and has never even had a girlfriend so doesn't really understand whats ok and not ok!!  I have just said please do not do anything that you would not be happy with me doing and am just going to have to try and not think about it.  I just don't understand the whole mentality of stag do's.  Its not a 'last night of freedom' as they are already in a committed relationship and I don't understand why just because its a stag do, certain things are deemed acceptable that certainly wouldn't be on a normal saturday night out with the lads!!

I do feel for you as theres nothing worse then having something playing on your mind.

xx

pandorasbox:

Firstly I think this is totally unreasonable and unrealistic - I can't see any guy leaving his mates, boozed up to his eyeballs, to dutifully sit outside and call home probably while getting the mickey ripped out of them by the other boys. 

I haven't read the other responses to this yet, but just wanted to comment on this.

I feel like you - I don't like strip clubs and I am fully aware that I am being unreasonable and that this is entirely my problem and my insecurities. I've been upfront with my OH about this for years. I've just told him I'd rather he didn't go to a strip club, but obviously he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. Anyway, he went on a rowdy stag do last year with some lads who like the ladies, and, lo and behold, when the lads went into the strip club in the middle of the day, he stood outside and rang me! Then in the evening, they went to another after going clubbing. He left a little early saying he had drunk too much and felt awful. On both occasions they barely even noticed he was gone. My OH said they didn't remember the next day and were talking to him as if he'd been there.

Not sure if that helps, but my OH did just want to see his mates but also respected my craziness enough to indulge it and skipping the strippers. I hope your OH is the same and there's no reason to worry.

Can I just say that there is nothing wrong with not liking the idea of your DF going to a strip club. It doesn't make you boring, 'uncool', sexually repressed, it doesn't mean you *definitely* have body confidence issues or that you are not capable of giving your partner a wonderful thrill in bed. It just means that you have a different view on sex than some other people. Perhaps you view the pursuit of sexual arousal as something that should be shared between a loving couple, and whilst you may be well aware and fine with the fact that your partner will be naturally attracted to other women you feel that when he has the choice to pursue his sexual desires you prefer he does so with you.

That's how I feel.

It can come accross occsaionally that women are going out the way to express how *fine* they are with their partner watching porn, going to strip clubs etc. as though they should be proud of this attribute and that their partners are lucky somehow.

You can still give mind blowing oral sex, lap dances make private porn films and fulfil any other fantasy either of you have that you both feel comfortable with. Being fine with lap dancing etc. doesn't make you any better in bed or a better friend/lover/partner to him.

I think it's totally reasonable to want the active pursuit of sexual arousal to stay within a relationship. Maybe I am being old fashioned and I couldn't give two hoots what other people do, but for me *actively* choosing to be turned on by other women is not something I am comfortable with my partner doing.

Although I would say that it's useful if you and your partner share your views on these things.

There is more to my views on lap dancing clubs than just my feelings about sex in my relationship. I have other issues about the social implications of sex industry and how women involved value themselves, how they come to be there etc. that make me uncomfortable with it and my partner is entirely on the same page.

Don't feel pressured in to telling him you are comfortable with things you are not. It can take balls to admit you actually don't want him getting his kicks looking at other women and that that's okay. It doesn't make you boring or repressed and don't let anyone make you feel that there's anything wrong with it!

This has been a really interesting thread. In my earlier post I had tried to be as 'neutral' as possible but having read Emma Rose 33's post I realise that I am indeed guilty of the 'repressed' argument. Hopefully not in a dismissive way, as this wasn't my intention. I realised my experience DID stem from insecurites but it also was a result of the way I veiwed myself as having to be 'sexy' like these women and feeling that I wasn't. This idea obviously comes from magazines like Nuts which I realise are all part of the same industry as strip clubs. A bit extreme you might think, but it is a continuum and that is the end that can be seen in everyday life.

The argument some people have made about the demeaning/dangerous nature of them is making me think again. I have seen porn and this aspect worried me about that. I still don't think that my OH liking to look at this means anything in respect to the intimacy of our relationship but as ER33 said, this is down to the individual. This is partly becuase I feel confidant that he would only every want to DO anything intimate with me and also because (please don't shoot me for this) he is a man - he doesn't have feelings for them, it is just for the excitement value. I have read erotic stories and he wasn't bothered by that. I'm not trying to be cool or liberal, it really doesn't matter to me.

I want to quote something from ER33 "Don't feel pressured in to telling him you are comfortable with things you are not". This is the fundamental issue here.He needs to know the truth, and why you feel that way (the other men attending, the comparison etc). Tell him how much it will upset you. Then let him decide. You trust him so, as long as he knows everything, he can make his own decision.

If you think you need to talk to someone just to help you in general, do it. It is so helpful to say things out loud and not be worried about someones reactions. This is about you feeling happier/less anxious about yourself.

It's also worth pointing out that by the same logic that people are using to proclaim it is natural for men to look at other women (and I don't disagree) it is *totally* natural for women to be competitive with one another and feel defensive it their *instinct* is telling them there is a threat. It's a primitive defence mechanism - we would have needed our man to stay near us to protect our family and other females would have been a threat. Whilst men a bilogically programmed to want to spread their seed we are bilogically programmed to not want them to.

Of course we now have reason and logic as men to when looking at other women, to realise that it is unlikely they will abandon us because a woman shook her titties in his face.. just as men know they don't *need* to spread their seed. However, it goes against our primitive instincts to be *alright* with it. So don't feel guilty, it's natural.

The idea that you need counselling because you don't like the idea of another woman grinding against your partner is absolutely ludicrous. It's totally normal not to want that.Just tell him and let him make his mind up.

EmmaRose33:

The idea that you need counselling because you don't like the idea of another woman grinding against your partner is absolutely ludicrous. It's totally normal not to want that

I wouldn't want some woman grinding against my partner either but I suggested speaking to someone like a counsellor as PB has said she wishes she could deal with the way she feels and she will be wound up for months because of it.  I personally wouldn't be bothered but PB has expressed concerns about how to deal with it and nobody here can tell her that.  If she tells him to make up his mind and he goes she will still have to deal with her emotions during his trip and long after that.

Fine jojo2, but I hope she wasn't swayed by the reactions of people instantly telling her she was overreacting, to perhaps feel her issues are bigger than they are. I understand she may feel she has issues with confidence or whatever but lets be realistic, not wanting her partner to go to a strip club with a bunch of men who clearly have no respect for women is entirely normal.

She can worry about any issues she has with trust or body image seperately, they have little to do with not wanting another woman grinding against her patner and turning him on. I think it's pretty reasonable to feel unsettled by that thought and not in itself a symptom of relationship or confidence issues.

Hi!

i've only read some responses but as far as the strip clubs go it's usually the stag that gets all the attention from the girls...i don't mind my OH going to a strip club and seeing whatever but...i would be a tad more peed off if he paid money to watch them dance but again not too fussed as long as there is no touching involved! we know our rules!!

my OH went on a stag a few months ago with 21 lads and they went to strip clubs and all paid to go into this private room for a 'lesbian show' and aparently they were mainly focused on the stag (although he was embarrassed!!) and my OH told me about it but told me ''not to tell anyone else because all the lads had vowed to keep it a secret'' now personally i would rather know these things than feel betrayed at a later date because i 'found out' off someone else...me and OH are very honest and because i am pretty ok with the whole strip club thing he feels he can tell me and we can have a laugh, i'd rather that than i scare him into not wanting to tell me anything about what they have been up to!! so becareful you don't say so much about it he doesn't tell you what they did after...

i will be slightly more worried on his stag do but i wouldn't complain if my mates got me a stripper i'd just find it a laugh!! (and probably cringy!!)

just try and remember that the girls are NOT interested in your man or any of the other men in the strip club, they see them as money and thats it (right or wrong) .... they do not want to 'go home' with your bloke and i'm pretty sure your OH isn't interested in them in the slightest...IMO men see it as the thing to do on stag do's and will get a bit carried away (e.g my OH's mates paying for a 'lesbian show' ?!?!?!) but there isn't any harm in your OH being present, if he knows how you feel about this then i'm guessing he just won't pay for a dance etc and once they know he's not going to pay for that they will leave him alone.....

i think if they are planning on escorts/prostitutes etc then your OH should be able to team up with the other one who 'isn't a serial cheat' and they can go to a bar or mooch back to the hotel?

i wouldn't feel betrayed if your OH wants to go just make sure you send him off with a big smile and he will look forward to coming home to you :D

yes strip clubs are probably wrong and sleezy and all the rest but the girls are doing a job and the stag and stag party are just out looking for a good time...try not to get worked up about it but ultimately leave the decision whether to go up to your OH

hope it all goes ok :) x

I've not read the whole thread (must go to work) but..

My first issue would be his relationship with these people and why he feels the need to associate with them and call them friends when they clearly have some very major differences in their lives. I know if my friend for example was cheating on her husband, I wouldn't be able to sit back and remain friends with them as I disapprove of the behaviour so much and also wouldn't want people to think I approved of such behaviour.

I, like Kharv am perfectly happy for H to go off into a strip club if he so wishes (though have requested on an upcoming stag do that I don't get to hear the details of what goes on inside). From my experience of being inside one, I certainly don't think any of the men are sitting there and comparing the strippers to their wives - they take it for what it is - a bit of fun with the lads - many of them lairy and drunk and TBH with the last thing but S8ex on their mind - many are thinking about impressing the lads. I also think, well actually from talking to my mates know, that as much as many men love to look at strippers in a club, there are very few men who would want to marry them.

As for what you should do - personally if H was going to do something which didn't sit right with me and I felt as strongly as you clearly do then i'd have to talk to him about it, just because you will end up resenting him if he goes and it may change your opinon of him.

I do hope you can come to some sort of arrangement your both happy with.

jojo2:

Dani1984:

I seriously don't get these abroad stag and hen weekends

 It makes my afternoon cream tea, river cruise and dinner on my hen day sound positively boring

it won't be!!  this is what we put together for my friend last year and we had the most fantastic day   :)  so will you!

Old Bear:

 one thing leads to another and when the stripper is bend over with her arse in the stags face he turned around, winked at the lads and then *TMI* licked the girls bottom hole. At this point they all roared with laughter, another couple of lads jumped in, and my H and his best mate left and ended up moving hotels.

 

I read this ^ to OH and he looked like he was about to be sick!

I have been reading everyone's replies, and had another chat with OH over the weekend. I asked him about his reply on fb saying 'Probably count me in' to the best man I had seen and he showed it me properly and said it isn't set in stone but he wanted to show enthusiasm and get some more info about prices etc. I know he really wants to be with his close mate, the stag, and I have told him I am not standing in his way. I reckon he will go, and fair play to him, he shouldn't have to restrict his life because of my issues and I want to trust him in that he won't do anything he knows will hurt me. If he says he will avoid the strippers then I will take what he says on face value - and deal with it later on if he tells me otherwise (and I do think he would tell me).

He definitely does feel protective over the stag. I asked him about the 'one last fling' thing and he said he has chatted to the stag recently and he reckons he won't be playing away as last time he did start up something with another girl, my OH and another friend of theirs stepped in and got him to see sense and actually confess to his girlfriend (now fiancee). But OH reckons the best man and some of the other lads who are in relationships will more than likely be on the lookout, as that is their typical behaviour. OH is not friends with these people, thankfully, they were once part of a group that he has dropped along the way, but remains close to the stag so I can absolutely see why he wants to be a part of it.

He is determined that if he does go abroad with them, he does not want to be involved in any seedy stuff like flirting, strippers, hookers or anything remotely along those lines. I know my OH and know that he is not the type, he has never been a player and will not even notice gobsmackingly attractive women, its just the way he is built. He knows quite plainly how I feel and we both agree on the privacy of s3xualised behaviour and so on, and has no intention of going along with it.

I pointed out that this is exactly what he said last time, before he went on a UK stag, and he got wasted and went along to watch a strip show with the lads anyway (Mrs W 2b were our OH's on the same stag?! What you put down is more or less how OH described it too!) He said that although he went along with the crowd last time he has 'more to lose' this time (as in now we live together, are engaged, planning a proper future and a family, plus he saw how much it upset me last time) and also is not going to get as drunk. He was once mugged while abroad and out of it on local spirits, so intends to be keeping more alert, rather than trying to deliberately get wasted, plus he wants to watch out and discourage too much trouble for the stag that the other lads might be getting up to. He plans to do what schiocco's fella did, and make out he feels ill and just disappear into the background.

Thanks to everyone who pointed out I have no need to be worried that I have these worries! I know my views are extreme to some, and normal to others. I definitely don't feel repressed or anything, and feel totally comfortable discussing this with OH, my friends, and anyone who will listen! But jojo is right, I do want a way to relax on this issue for these next few months - something like this will just eat away at me, and I know it! So it may be worthwhile trying to find someone to speak to about, though it has helped a lot putting all my thoughts on here and seeing all the various responses so I may leave it for a while and see how I go on. The more I think about it, the more I see my issues are directly related to the idea of some other woman being provocative around my future husband and not general insecurities about my figure or whatever, and I don't see this as a situation that will come up too regularly. At the moment my friends have rallied and we are also going to do something the weekend he will be away to keep me occupied from stressing too much!

pandorasbox:

I pointed out that this is exactly what he said last time, before he went on a UK stag, and he got wasted and went along to watch a strip show with the lads anyway (Mrs W 2b were our OH's on the same stag?! What you put down is more or less how OH described it too!) He said that although he went along with the crowd last time he has 'more to lose' this time (as in now we live together, are engaged, planning a proper future and a family, plus he saw how much it upset me last time) and also is not going to get as drunk. He was once mugged while abroad and out of it on local spirits, so intends to be keeping more alert, rather than trying to deliberately get wasted, plus he wants to watch out and discourage too much trouble for the stag that the other lads might be getting up to. He plans to do what schiocco's fella did, and make out he feels ill and just disappear into the background.

haha i reckon it's just that the girls do exactly the same routine but pretend they are giving them a 'special show' it's pretty sad really haha!! your OH sounds like he has learnt from his past experience and wouldn't take part in all the sillyness anyway so sounds like you have nothing to worry about (but i know thats easy to say!!) have a fab girly weekend with your mates and look forward to him coming home :) x