Help! My Future In-Laws have put me through hell for the past 6 months. Do I invite them to our engagement party?

Hi!

I am 27 and my partner and I got engaged on New Year's Eve and are planning to marry next year,

My partner's family detest me and have caused a variety of problems for us over the past few months. I've had abusive phone calls, insults, threats of violence and countless lies told by them to damage my reputation and in an attempt to make my partner leave me. It all started 6 months ago after a small disagreement with my partner's 21 year old sister. My partner was adopted and he had asked me to help him find his birth parents, which I managed to do successfully. They were consulted about this prior to my partner making contact with his birth parents, and the birth parents would not have been contacted if they hadn't given him their blessing. The night before my partner was to meet his birth parents for the first time, his mother and sister turned up at my home, where I live with my 64 year old mother, and tried to force their way into our house. They both woke the neighbours with their shouting and their obscene language. Following that evening my partner and I had abusive phone calls and texts from his father, as his mother and sister had denied what had happened that night. I have spent 6 months on the receiving end of their abuse and their nastiness. They even contacted my partner's ex girlfriend so that she would contact him and try and get back with him. It all sounds very silly but the abuse and the worry made me quite poorly with anxiety and panic attacks and I was put on tablets to help control it.

I tried to resolve the situation by accompanying my partner when he met his father for a drink, but his father simply refused to acknowledge my presence and told my partner that he refused to stay in a pub where I was. 2 days ago his father called me again and yet again gave me a tirade of abuse. He screamed at me and said he was going to "come over to our ******* house to sort me out". 

My partner has stood by me through all of this and moved out of his family home as a result. He has visited them on special occasions and each time they have made it difficult for him as they insisted that I was not welcome in their house.

Now we are planning to have an engagement party next month and I really would not feel comfortable inviting them. I am aware that his mother and his sister wish to attend and have said they will do anything to make amends, but I feel like it's too little too late. My family are hosting the party and do not want them there 1. because of everything that have done, and 2. because we fear that they will try and ruin the evening or hurt me.

My partner has said that if I do not want them there then he stands by me on that, and his family are aware that they won't be invited. Am I doing the wrong thing? I have tried talking to them on a number of occasions over the past few months but it just makes the situation worse. I lost my father to Cancer 4 years ago so I'm finding the whole engagement/wedding situation quite emotional anyway. Am I simply being unreasonable? 

On the contrary, I think you have been incredibly reasonable and you must be a very strong person to cope with that. Your H2B must also be a very special man - in all honesty, I am not sure I could have personally stayed in a relationship that attached me to a family like that! It sounds like Eastenders!!

Stick to your guns; try not to let the family know where the party will be in case they randomly turn up. If mother and sister really want to make amends, they can do it gradually over the next few months, not just say the words to get a party invite. Big hugs.

First of all welcome to Hitched, you'll get some good advice on here so you've come to the right place. 

I'm so sorry to hear of the problems you've had with your partner's family, truly awful & you deserve a medal as I'm not sure I could have stuck around after being threatened by my future in laws like that. What's turned into you trying to help your partner has resulted in IMO unforgivable abuse, they probably blame you & think you're trying to take their son away which of course you're not.

The ball is completely in your court on this one, it's your engagement and your wedding & if it was me I wouldn't want them there (engagement or wedding), they would have to do some major apologising for me to reconsider. They treated you & your partner appallingly & so you have to do what you feel comfortable doing.

What do your family say? If they're hosting it they'll have their own thoughts?

Sorry no good advice I know but didn't want to read and run, good luck x

I agree with the others, do what you two feel best and stick to your decision.

Are you planning an intimate wedding or will you have these issues again once you start planning properly?

Thank you for your feedback. My family are disgusted by them and don't want them at the party or at the wedding. You are quite right, they do think that I am taking their son away. They have told us both on numerous occasions that I have destroyed their family. 

We want a big church wedding, so it's only going to get more and and more difficult xx

You haven't destroyed their family, THEY have destroyed their family. What could have been a lovely time of planning a wedding has been ruined by their threatening, aggressive acts. I would talk to your H2B and say that he should still have a relationship with them if he wants one but you wouldn't feel comfortable/safe with them being involved in your life anymore & cut all ties (if that's what you want), which includes the wedding. It's yours & H2B's day, from that day on you are your own little family and they need to accept that.

No you haven't destroyed their family they have done that by themselves x

Leckyknox:

Thank you for your feedback. My family are disgusted by them and don't want them at the party or at the wedding. You are quite right, they do think that I am taking their son away. They have told us both on numerous occasions that I have destroyed their family. 

 

If I were in your position I would not be inviting them to my engagement party or my wedding. They would not be welcome in my home and I would pretty much cut all contact, leaving H2B to contact them alone as and when he wants to. Sorry but life is too short to put up with horrible people who make your life a misery, regardless of who they are.

My H2B is worried that they won't speak to him again if we don't invite them

Leckyknox:

Thank you for your feedback. My family are disgusted by them and don't want them at the party or at the wedding. You are quite right, they do think that I am taking their son away. They have told us both on numerous occasions that I have destroyed their family. 

 

I'm usually all about olive branches and reconciliation ... but in this case I would definitely stay away! If his sister and mum want to apologise, they should make a concerted effort over the next few months, not just turn up to your engagement party like everything is ok! My FIL had a really negative attitude towards me - called me ugly, manipulative, evil ... but he never ever threatened to hurt me. That is crossing a line. He now treats me like his own daughter but it took years for him to realise that I wasn't trying to jeopardise OH's future (his dad has basically planned his life from birth to becoming a diplomat!). Anyhu - it shows reconciliation is possible, but for now, it should be about you and your OH, his family needs to sort themselves out - they've destroyed what could have been a lovely relationship with you and your OH.

If they don't talk to your OH or you because of not being invited to the engagement party, they're just digging themselves deeper into a hole. They have to own up to the concequences of their actions - threatening you like they have done, is not something which means they should be invited to your engagement party, imo. If they can't suck it up and get over themselves about not being invited, then that says more about them than it does about you or your OH.

I really don't want anything more to do with them. I am more than happy for him to visit them so long as he doesn't expect me to go with him. They have told so many lies over the past few months (including telling H2B and everyone they knew that I told his mother to "go and have another Heart Attack and die". I don't want any more trouble from them if I don't invite them but I really don't want them there or see why they would have the right to be there

Congratulations on getting engaged, and welcome to hiitched!!

I'm sorry your having so many problems with the inlaws!!

I hope you make the decision that is right for you both!! xx

Welcome to hitched. I'm sorry to hear of your issues with family & sympathise. I thought my parent-in-law problems were bad until I read about yours! There are always 2 sides to a story, so in fairness, I tried to consider their side also.

From their prospective, is there any way they suspect that their son wanting to see his birth family was spurned on by you?  Thats the only reason I can see for them being so nasty, & even so, absolutely no excuse at all.  Maybe they are feeling that their son may reject them, not only with getting married, but also finding his birth family & possibly having more to do with the new family in the future.

They must have thought of this for many years, infact since adopting him.  I wonder if he could suggest an organisation for adoptive parents to help THEM come to terms with THEIR insecurities?

Legally, they are not only nasty but abusive.  Abuse can be verbal, its not always physical.  I'd have got a restaining order long before this!   All the stress is detrimental to your health, as shown by being on anti-depressants! If you have children, would you be happy for them to be subject to such abuse?

 I personally, couldnt stand to see them again, even the mother & sister sucking up.  I wouldnt invite them to the engagement or the wedding.  There are only so many chances you can give people, & I think you have been more than accomodating.  Maybe there are other issues going on you arent aware of & some miracle may occur & they appologise & change dramatically.

On the highly likely chance that this doesnt happen, I'd be organising an intimate wedding abroad with your chosen family & friends. Good luck.

I have spent many years trying to include and involve members of my family because I felt I should and because i longed to have a 'normal' familiy, doing this only caused me more hurt.  

Once I realised that I didn't need these people in my life who caused me upset, hurt and obviously didn't care about me I cut them out.  Although it is sad that these members of my family are out there but not a part of my life I am much happier for it.

I think what I am trying to say is that just because they are family doesn't mean you need them or should try to make them a part of your life if it only causes you to be hurt.