Does Money equal Power???

After reading another post about photos, payment etc and as there are already a few "controversial"posts  (I love them!!) about today, it got me thinking...

If parents/family/friends give money to the wedding or pay for a specific part does that give them THE RIGHT/POWER to have more input into your decisions?

Any parent's out there that have experience from the other (giving) side?

My take is we will very gratefully accept any donations that parents/family are kind enough to offer but it does not mean they therefore get to choose the items. EG - my Dad very kindly gave me £1,000 to spend on dress etc, but he has had nothing to do with this, he told me he does not want to hear a word about it or see it till I walk down the stairs dressed and ready to go (I can't wait for that moment!!! Defo gonna be a tear jerker!).

On the other hand, MIL is paying for flowers and cake, she expects to be involved in choosing them, she has been visiting florists on our behalf, getting quotes....yet she doesn't know what I want?! Is it wrong that I just want her to write the cheque and leave well alone?!

Would you exclude someone from the wedding if they didn't contribute? Give them more influence because they did? Is anyone relinquishing all responsiblity for any part of their wedding? I'm a control freak so I am defo not! I know a friend who let her MIL buy their wedding cake, she didn't even see it till they picked it up the day before! The only guidance she'd given them was the colour. I'd have kittens if I was expected to do this! But cos her MIL was paying she let her....

I think it's easier if they are just giving money, not paying for a specific item, EG, each of my parents (divorced!) have set up direct debits to our wedding saving account so we get x amount each month. It all goes in to the bog pot and they don't know/care what we spend it on. They are as involved in the wedding as they would have been if they'd given us nothing.

IMO money does not buy influence.....they should give money because they care and want us to have the wedding we've dreamed off, not to give them bargaining power!

What does everyone think?!

 

If you are young and living at home with parents then I do think it can give them a bit more input into the wedding but if you don't live at home then no. Their money should not come with conditions. 

I'd bop your MIL lol. 

 

I think it depends on the relationship between the two parties..... it should not have strings attached but I think it is completely unreasonable not to listen to their opinion you do not need to agree or go with it! We have been given money by both sets of parents, mine for the wedding and H2b for a deposit towards a house. I would not let someone tell me where to live, equally i would not let my parents tell me what sort of wedding to have.

my mom and PIL all wanted to do something for the wedding but i didnt want to chose something they wanted, instead i said well we've picked most of our things already but if you would like put the money toward the cake or band or dress then you can pick what you would like it to go towards. that way i felt i had control on what i wanted but they were able to choose what they wanted to contribute to! :P

Mum  offered to pay for the bridesmaids dresses and I valued her opinion on them as they were for her grand daughters so we chose the dresses together and hoped the girls liked them (ones wearing hers again this weekend infact!)

we paid for the wedding ourselves so we didnt have the same issues as I'm reading about and I hope when I have a kids getting married I'll support them should they need me  but I wont interfere! Least i hope I dont.

I can only reflect on our experience in that if people have tendencies to interfering and OTT they will, if they have contributed be more included to be. I don’t think money gives people a right – the whole giving the parents a portion of the guest list bemuses me especially – however it reality it happens.

My folks contributed a fair amount in the end but were very good about it; even when faced with the reality that I was not inviting my step-sister or any other family (long story). I hope, if we have kids and are in the position to help finically I will be the same.

 

My parents are basically paying for all of our wedding and they have no say as to what we spend the money on.  As far as they are concerned we could get married with just the parents there and take the rest of the money and buy what ever we want with the rest of the budget.  My dad has the money and i ask for what ever i need and he just lets me know how much i have left.  I have asked both my mum and dad's opinion on things and listened but at the end of the day made my own decisions.  My OH parents offered to pay for the invites which my MIL to be made she showed me what she had come up with but i altered things that i did not like, she is also decorating our cake but again to our specifications.  It is our day no one elses and I would rather go without than have something i didnt want. 

We're paying for everything ourselves with exception of a sweetie buffet (my mum paid) and a disco as my dad has his own company lol. However I know that if they had paid a huge contribution they would have still let us get on with it ourselves and not really have a say.

 

My friends mum paid fo rher wedding and my friend had NO control in anything. Didnt even know what the favours or wedding cake were until the day. My friend bought some weding invitations for her mum to send out and her num decided she didnt like them and sent out different ones!

As far as I'm aware we're paying for all our wedding (but BMs have kindly offered to buy their dresses). However, my Mum's opinion will influence me and already I'm asking for advice from SIL2B and my best friend. I'm not going to ask for any money from anyone but feel I need their opinions.

L x

I'd like to think that when people generously offer to pay for anything, that it is just a gift but not sure it works in reality.

My parents have very kindly offered to pay for everything for our wedding but they haven't set a budget or anything so at the moment I am running everything past them for their approval on cost etc. It's making it a bit tough to feel like it's our wedding and our decisions.

Does feel sometimes like we have no say in things but I'm trying to respect the fact that my parents are spending a lot of money so they should have an opinion. I just am struggling with where the line is from them having an opinion and us having the wedding we want

Money is often the start of many rows and I'd hate for it to come between us all

x

We paid for all of our wedding ourselves, except for the photographer. The inlaws wanted to contribute to our wedding and wouldn't take no for an answer. They had an amount in mind and it happened to be the same amount as the cost of the photographer. We had already booked the photographer and paid the deposit, they had no say in who he was and didn't meet him or see any of his work until they saw our photos. They haven't actually mentioned them paying in this saga, but H was worried that it could get brought up! So up until now it was just a case of them writing a cheque, but to a supplier not us.

I know that if my parents had been able to afford to contribute, they would have just put the money in our bank and wouldn't have cared what we spent it on.

My relationship with my parents was nearly ruined due to money issues. They paid for our wedding and I strongly believed they shouldn't be able to have any say in things but now I'm married I think I acted like a spoilt brat and should have been a lot more open to their views. An example is that they wanted me to stay at their house and have a wedding car and I didn't but they felt that because they wanted to pay for the car that I should stay with them. I don't know how I feel about the end result (I did stay and did have a car) however it was their dream for their daughter to leave their house and do the traditional thing and tbh it didn't make any difference to the overall day so I wish I hadn't spent days upset over it and arguing about it. Whether I would have enjoyed the wedding morning better if I had been stayed in the venue I don't know.

I certainly wouldn't exclude someone from the wedding and think that would be downright rude and selfish to do that personally. My MIL didn't pay for anything, didn't even give us a wedding present but I wouldn't have dreamed in excluding her on the day but I didn't share any detais with her mainly due to the fact she was so uninterested.

My advice now is 100% different to what it was before the wedding and I think if people are paying something they it's only nice to sort of discuss ideas with them and possibly compromise if necessary.

I wouldn't expect anyone to compromise on the dress.

I've been very very lucky. My brother is paying for my dress And when I asked if he wanted to see what he was paying for he said no. My mum is paying for the reception and me and OH are able to pick our own menu. My mum has asked for one thing to be on it which is fine. She has added about 6 guests who she thought should be invited. That's fine. OH parents are paying tog and evening buffet. I picked the basic package for tog and they said no go for the deluxe one. The food for the evening has been decided by Oh and they are happy. I also have an auntie paying for the band without hearing them.

My Mum has paid for all of my jewellery which we went to choose together, she liked the style but liked a different colour to the one I chose, but I got what I wanted. She has also given me £1,000 which she is keeping in her bank and I get money off her when needed.

My Nan has also given me £1,000 which she has put in my Mum's bank - No-one seems to trust me with a wad of cash LOL! She is just happy to turn up on the day :)

H2B's parents have also given us £1,000 which they are keeping hold of until we need it (See a pattern emerging here? Lol) and MIL2B is also paying for lots of little bits that are mounting up along the way.

None of the people contributing to the wedding are being pushy at all, it's all perfect!

I have chosen not to involve my Mum in my dress shopping, I don't really want anyone elses opinion on the dresses except my Sister, I really want a big surprise on the day for everybody else. Mum wont show me her dress that she's already bought too lol. It's people that aren't helping out that are harder to please.. ie Bridesmaids lol!!