Any of the depression kleek around?

First of all an apology. I feel I'm being exceptionally needy on here at the moment and I'm really sorry.

Can I ask a question - when you had your depression, did you feel like you would never feel better again? In fact that it wasn't actually even possible to feel better because this is just the way you were and just the way life is, and therefore any glimpse of happiness would be just an illusion anyway?

I have been on the ADs for 2 months now and am feeling utterly hideously rotten. I seemed to have a momentary recovery about 3 weeks ago which lasted all of about 3 days before sinking back into the mire again.

Even basic functioning is beyond me right now. The only way I get through the day is because I have A LOT of support and even then I still struggle just to exist. My mum comes round about 10 every morning, then has a couple of hours off around lunch, returns around 3 and then stays til 6, so I only actually have a max of 3 hours alone with T every day. However, I still struggle with those 3 hours. When I am alone with him I feel as though I am suffocating - quite literally as well as figuratively. I find myself struggling to breathe and gasping for air at the panic of it. It's ridiculous isn't it? I'm his mum and I can't even perform the motherly duties that all other mums perform without even thinking about it.

I am on the waiting list for 2 lots of counsellors - both the lady who I saw before, and the NHS ones, and the HV has referred me to the mental health team to join a postnatal support group.

I am honestly starting to think that I am beyond redemption though. I cannot imagine feeling well or happy ever again.

Hello lovely,

We're just hitting bathtime here but I wanted to send you a quick hug till I can get back online and respond properly x

I felt exactly that way.  I can remember many, many occasions where I sobbed in Mr S's arms because I just couldn't see a way through.  i couldn't imagine that I would ever feel any different, and I mourned my "old" life, not just for the changes in lifestyle since having a baby, but because I wanted to feel happy again and thought that would never happen.  Even when I was on the anti-d's and they were working, I felt like I would spend the rest of my life on them, and would therefore always have that numbness that comes with them.

I also had a terrible fear of being on my own with Aliya, and there were days where I would wake up and just call someone, anyone that I could find that wasn't working that day, and would literally go and camp out at theirs until Mr S finished work and it was safe to go home. 

If the anti-d's still aren't working after 2 months I would perhaps go back to the GP and let them know, it might be that you need to try a different type.

I can't remember if i've asked this of you before (and i'm sorry if I am repeating myself), but is private councelling an option?  You can usually get to see someone pretty much immediately this way.  Might it be an option until the NHS councelling is available?

Maisy - where abouts do you live?  Who are you local to on here?

I'm at my parents until Monday so I don't have unlimited access to the internet like I do at home, but I am here on and off though so will check back.  Keep your chin up sweetie, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and when you get there, a huge field of sunshine, and one day you will be there again, you really will!

PMSL!!  I obviously registered an alias whislt at my parents when Mr S and I were thinking about having another baby!! 

"Trying for 2" is me...Starstruck!!

Gah!  and I can;'t seem to log on as myself now....grrrr......

MM - Gawd, I so wish I could just pop around and try and help out.  Damn living right at the other end of the country! I'd quite gladly be there for those three hours whenever I could (although the chaos that is C might not be so welcome, I fear)

I'm so, so sorry you're feeling like this.  I hope they sort out some counselling soon.

Hugs to you, it must be so, so difficult.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel you know, despite how dark everything seems right now.

x

Is this me...?

Am I back....?

Woo hoo

Definitely 100% have I felt like that. And I still have moments like that but now it's moments not weeks, or even days. I have found that tiredness makes me worse. Too much time with too much responsibility for the girls also can make me really stressed out and feeling useless.

I don't know anything really but is it worth asking for a higher dose? Or a different  kind?

Absolutely. I'm back in the bad place again, but I know somewhere in the darkest recesses of my mind that this isn't forever - I've come through it before, I can do it again. (I just have no clue how long it'll take, when or how it will come back again.) Its all part of the illness, really it is.

After 2 months you should be feeling *some* benefit to the ADs. I'd be going back to the GP and asking for a review - you may need a dosage review, or to to try a different type of drug - there are soooo many ttypes and dosages available - don't despair, it just might take a few atytempts to find the right levels for you.

I have been so bad recently that my H has been signed off for weeks to look after me & help with the boys - I haven't had either of them alone for more than an hour since before Christmas, the very idea of it sends me into a panic bigger than I can describe. There is NO shame in needing extra help and support form your Mum/H etc - we really need to retrain our brains I think. We all say the right things about Depression being an illness like any other, but do we let ourselves believe that? Are we kind to ourselves? If you were in an awful accident and broke every bone in your body and needed extra help with childcare would you be quite so hard on yourself? I'm willing to bet not - be kind to yourself please, you are suffering from a horrible, awful illness that tells you all the time how terribly unworthy you are, what a waste of space, a burden etc - NONE of that is true; its just what the Depression would have you beleive.

Note that I capitalise Depression - its because when we are in 'that' place it really feels like Depression is this malevolent presence that stalks us -it has a personality and a voice. And unfortunately, its voice is louder than our own, and louder than that of friends and family, so it drowns out anything remotely positive we might hear, so all we hear is the negative, the despair and the darkness.

But I promise you, you WILL feel better again; you WILL feel real genuine joy and happiness. I can't tell you when or how, but I can tell you that it will happen.

In the meantime, you need to take all the support there is out there. Can you (or your Mum/H if you're not up to it) chase the counselling appointments? I know the waiting lists are appalling, but it doesn't hurt to ask. In the meantime, consider using any other outlets there are out there - MIND, the Depression Alliance, the Samaritans all offer support groups, telephone services etc. Can you write down how you feel? In a journal or similar? It doesn't have to be anything fancy but it might help a little. Keep talking on here too - sometimes what you need most is just to know you're not alone in how you feel

I cant say I know how you feel but I just wanted to say that when Pipetta is here and I'm recovered from my section, did you fancy meeting up some days? We've both said we do that count down thing during the day until our Hs are home and it'd be nice to have some company. It's only that it's been hard lately to get about otherwise I would have said about it already.

Just to add to Macca's suggestion of other organisations that might be able to help, look into MAMA as well:  http://www.mama.co.uk/  Maybe there is someone local to you that you can meet up with?

You have a FB post x

You are NOT beyond redemption. I don't see that. I see someone who is struggling, and in a lot of places it's about that shitty word 'SHOULD'.

Apparently you 'should' want to spend every waking breathing hour of the next 18 years running round after a child who is exploring boundaries every day (not in a bad way, but a tiring one).

Apparently you 'should' be over this by now, even though with ADs you're looking at 3-6m minimum, not because you are weaker than anyone else, but because it's a chronic illness, a disability, and takes time to heal from.

Apparently you 'should' be able to do this on your own because some woman you've heard of on the telly/person you passed in the street/random person did it all and held down a 9-5 job and got their nails painted and their bikini lines waxed twice a day.

Apparently you 'should' be kinder to others than you are to yourself.

Apparently you 'should' be beating yourself up for getting support from those who love you and are only too pleased to be with you, as well as beating yourself up on those days where asking for support is too much.

Rubbish rubbish rubbish. Here are some coulds to think about, maybe:

You could make an appointment next week to see the GP and discuss the ADs again, because doing so might help you to put your situation into a little perspective. If it's a tunnel they would expect you to be in, let them show you when you can expect a bit of light.

You could try thinking of the depression as the illusion; a thick cloth curtain over the real world - maybe this would help to see the chinks of light as less misleading than they are - a glimpse of the good stuff ahead.

You could maybe get out more and vary your pattern with your mum or any of us, your friends, just because the same routine, however supportive, can seem to drag a little more.

Or you could just do whatever you need to get by right now.

We're here for you x

Hello my love

Please, please feel that you can call on me to help out with T if you need some time alone during the 3 hour lunch break.  I'm so close.  O would love the company.  I would happily let them both run around and wreck the place for a couple of hours.  It would be fun.  Or, if you just want me to pop in and keep you company, or whatever, I'm about.  Mondays and Wednesdays are good for me as I'm not working then.

I'm lucky in that I don't know what PND feels like so can't talk from experience, but I know that  you won't feel this way forever. I bet its just a case of getting you on the right type and dose of ADs. 

I'm sending over lots of happy vibes and please ask me for anything, if you need it.

Another one who would love to meet up with you, I didn't get to chat with you much at the Bluewater meet, but would love to meet up for a cuppa and cake? I'm in Maidstone, so maybe 20 mins from you? xxx

Oh bless you all. Thank you

Starstruck - it's funny, I don't mourn my old life as such, because I hated my job etc, but yes that's it - I do miss the happiness and hope for the future that I had then. I've felt like crap for so long that I don't even really know what I'm aiming for any more. Technically yes, private counselling would be an option but I'm really keen to see the same lady I had before as I've had some dreadful counsellors in the past and really clicked with this one lady. However, I'm not sure how long the waiting list is and sent her an email just checking but haven't heard back. I probably do need to start exploring other paths though. I'm back at the GP on Monday so will talk about a dose increase. Can I ask - what was the turning point for you in starting to get better? I know that you've come an awful long way and you're one of my 'hitched idols' lol in that you've battled your depression and come out the other end. I live in SE London and have some lovely hitcher friends nearby who I'm incredibly lucky to have as my support network.

conanetta - bless you, you are lovely. It's such a shame we don't live closer together, I think we would be fantastic RL friends and C & T could wreak havoc together!

CM - that's really reassuring that yours has decreased down to just moments. Have you been feeling better since you went back on the ADs?

macca - I am so so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low again. It's so difficult isn't it? I think it's because as you say, you haven't a clue when you will start to feel better and when it takes a while that panic sets in and I wonder if I ever will. I wonder if this is just the person that I am now. And it doesn't help that it's not a problem you can see or quantify easily. I know they have the screening questionnaires and I came up as 'severe' on both the PND and the regular depression ones, but they still seem so one-dimensional and don't seem to take it all into account. Your personnification of depression is spot on, it absolutely does have a prescence and a voice, and right now it is winning and managing to convince me that it is in fact my own. I have the HV coming round again next week which I actually found quite reassuring despite not being keen on her coming initially and she will hopefully have some news on the support group she is referring me to. to you too as you sound like you need it.

Pip - definitely! I'd love to spend more time with you. We can come to you or you are welcome at ours any time. I'm sure Toby would love another lady to yell 'kiss' at as well!

Madonna - I know, I'm doing the 'should' thing again aren't I? I like your analogy of the curtain, I desperately want to believe it I really do, and I know that I got better before, but that little voice is saying what if it was an illusion then and I wasn't really better just pretending to be - gah! I've actually been forcing myself to go out this week and whilst I don't feel better for it at the time or afterwards, I guess the fact that I'm functioning, albeit not functioning well, is an improvement in itself. Just about to reply to your FB mail.

Ooh cross-posted there -

Treasure - thank you! Are you still around this Wed? Toby and Oliver can have fun throwing toys down the toilet again.

1stbaby - yes would also love to meet up with you and have a proper chat. It was all a bit overwhelming at Bluewater wasn't it?