I wish I just had one BM

My sister has been great – my other BM hasn’t really been v helpful at all.  Its now taking a bit of a shine off my day and as I’m finding it difficult to be really nice to her.

She was over the moon when I asked her over a year ago to be BM but through the planning shes, on most occasions, not been available for me for anything I’ve tried to arrange.  Shes now saying she doesn’t want a hair trial and will just get the same as my sister but their hair type is different so I’m worried that on the day it wont work and she’ll have to start again with another style which will cost us time.  Basically, she left it this late and wont put herself out to get it done.  I am paying for their hair BTW.

She was supposed to go for her dress fitting before she went on a cruise on 13^th February but didn’t bother and she put weight on when she was away (which I don’t have an issue about BTW, I’m not that much of a bridezilla!!!) which means that when she goes for her fitting tomorrow shes going to be heavier than she will be on the wedding day.  This means her dress will not fit her on the day.

She left my sister to arrange my whole hen weekend herself and hasn’t really been any help to her either.  She has done some stuff so I can’t totally say shes useless but the bottom line is, if I were to do it again I wouldn’t ask her.

The issue I have is that I’ve got the same thank you gift for her and my sister and its annoying me that shes going to get the same even though she put in less than half the effort.  Also, how am I going to genuinely write a thank you card for her when I really don’t feel that I want to thank her???

Sorry this has been long – a bit down about it.

Could you talk to her about it?

She might not lose weight and then having a dress fitting now would be better perhaps.

When the wedding is so close it would be better to chat to her and get it all sorted so on the day you don't feel as disappointed by her.

xx

thanks Lynsey but I think its too late in the day to talk to her now.  I'm just going to see it out until the day and then I don't think I'll be in touch with her too much after that.

Shes already said to one of my friends at the hen weekend that she wishes she'd got her fitting done before the cruise as she liked herself that size better and can't wait to get back to it.

Feel like its going to ruin my big day as I can't forget things easily but I don't want to cause an argument with her at this late stage.

Gillsy:

I'm just going to see it out until the day and then I don't think I'll be in touch with her too much after that.

That's really sad though... If you don't think you'll want to ssee her after the wedding then do you really want her in your wedding photos and have her as such a big part of your day? If that's truely the conclusion you think this will come to then do it before the wedding.

Don't act too quickly though if this is a friendship that can be saved by talking to her as Lynsey said.

(Lynsey, I got your text yesterday but haven't stopped after the hen weekend so will reply later!)

aww gillsy, sorry you are feeling this way!

It does sound a bit rubbish, but as RaeF said, if you dont sort this out before the wedding you might look back through all your photos and feel a bit funny that she is in them all. Have you two been good friends for a long time?

x

Rae & Moya - I know you are both probably right about looking back on the day and everything but the funny thing is that when I meet her or speak to her shes absolutely fine.  I felt like this a few months ago and had to phone her (cos she wasn't available to meet me but she could 'probably speak on the phone'!?!) and thought I was going to have to have a 'conversation' with her about everything but when I spoke to her she was fine and said she was happy with all the planning and nothing was too much for her etc, etc cos I asked her all this.

I think the truth is that she is just so wrapped up in her life just now and doesn't care too much about anything else.  Now, this is not the friend that I ever knew.  We worked together in my first job from when I was 17 to 20 and we've kept in touch ever since so I'm quite shocked to see this side of her.  Shes changed a lot

aww Gillsy

 I'm sorry to hear this is causing you such stress, I am with others that the friendship maybe saved as it would be such a shame to have her as part of your day and tyhen wonder why you bothered in a few years.

Maybe she just doesn't realise all the behind the scense stress that occurrs when wedding planning or how much work your sister put in perhaps a gentle nudge will do her good. Maybe give her some specific jobs and see how she what she says about them (sometimes hiar and dress fittings just don't seem that important to some people).

 I think to readress the balance with the amount of work/ effort your BMs have put in why not plan something for just you and your sister todo as a thankyou to your sister for helpping out, (It doesn't need to be expensieve but a night in where you cook for her watch a film or a day out) something for just the two of you might make you feel less resentful towards the other BM when they have matching gifts on the day. (does that make sense I am at work and fel I am rambling)

Try not to let the dress/weight gain or loss situation worry you. My bm wanted to lose weight before the wedding and had over a year to do so but she only did it a few weeks before the wedding and in the middle of her dress fitting. She was told she couldn't lose more weight by the seamstress but still did. I was worried but then thought what will be will be and if the dress didn't fit 100% it wasn't going to spoil anything for me.

I really think speaking to her now would be better because you don't need a bm there that you don't really want.

xx

Gillsy..........i feel your pain! i too wish i only had 1 bm....and the one i would like to sack is my sister!!

she's caused me nothing but hell the full 2 years! yet when we do talk about it she says im not including her!

she too has been supposedly dieting for 2 years now! but burst the bm dress at the fitting the other week even though it fitted her about 9 months ago!! i'm livid to say the least!

shes ruining my day before its even here but im planning on just ignoring her for the day!!

and after the wedding she will have her wish!!

xx

Can I give you a different perspective from an old married?

I originally had 2 BM, my sis and sil. My best friend hounded me to be a bm and eventually I agreed. Like your friend she never bothered with anything, no hair trail, insisted on ordering a smaller dress size etc. I lost patience when she turned up to her final dress fitting minus her shoes and burst the seams on the dress. Not even industrial stitching would have kept her in there!!

In the end she was making me miserable. I took the cowards way out and sent her a text 2 weeks before the wedding saying the dress had been taken out as much as poss and would not fit so I was only going to have 2 BM. I've never heard from her since.

I don't regret doing this. We were heading in different directions and being friends with her was difficult as she was so unpredictable. I'm relieved she is not in the photos and played no part in the day.

I'm not suggesting you should cull, esp if the friendship is salvagable. But if the dress does not fit maybe this an easy get out clause?

Aww Gillsy I agree with the girls, i would speak to her now to try and salvage the friendship you have. If you don't think you can salvage it, then I wouldn't have her as part of your day. 

Hope you get everything sorted though. xxx

thank you ladies for your support.  I'm going to have a think about it and chat to my OH about it tonight and see what he thinks.

I don't want to fight with her just now as I don't think the air would clear in time for the wedding.  The funny thing is any time I see or speak to her shes totally fine, its just that I can't get her to do anything and shes always 'busy' and got other important things to be doing.  I kinda think if that was the case she shouldn't have agreed to be BM in the first place!!

Anyways, sorry, rant over.  Had a down day, felt like crying but...... I'm so over it now [adopts American accent and side to side head movement]

thanks again

I know I'm an hour late but I hope you get it sorted Gillsy... then you can concentrate on having the bestest day EVER!  Seems like a lot of us are having issues with BMs... I feel your pain m'dear. x x

And only today I was wishing i had more then 1, maybe i should be grateful... Anyway im so sorry you feel this way hon so close to your wedding, is there anyway to just be blunt with her over a coffee and tell her how you're feeling? I hate the thought of you feeling t'ed off on your wedding day on certain things

xx

You still have 3 months to the wedding, can she not have a fitting nearer the time in case her weight changes?

I don't think you can expect everyone to be as excited about your wedding as you, especially when you asked her over a year ago

Have you explained to her why it is important to have a hair trial?

I think unless you don't want to be friends with her anymore you probably need to just put up with it