(UPDATED on pg 2)My Gran's dying wish ignored

I know...it is such a shame for my cousin as she said that all she has ever wanted to do was be a bridesmaid and i remember when i was her age i was desperate to be a bridesmaid. 

I just hope they don't say to her that she is not wanted as that is not the case at all!

MrsLunney2b:

I know...it is such a shame for my cousin as she said that all she has ever wanted to do was be a bridesmaid and i remember when i was her age i was desperate to be a bridesmaid. 

I just hope they don't say to her that she is not wanted as that is not the case at all!

Speak to your cousin and say 'i'm so sad that your mummy and daddy have decided not to come to my wedding, and they said you can't be a bridesmaid.  It's upsetting because I really wanted you to be there with me on my special day.'

You need no guilt on this one! Maybe a bit of telling the truth to who is to blame!

Mrs Spink to be!:

Speak to your cousin and say 'i'm so sad that your mummy and daddy have decided not to come to my wedding, and they said you can't be a bridesmaid.  It's upsetting because I really wanted you to be there with me on my special day.'

You need no guilt on this one! Maybe a bit of telling the truth to who is to blame!

I think thats a very good idea actually.

I'm still so mad. A friend suggested i write a letter to the adults concerned, as i know that if i called them emotion would take over. If i write a letter i know that i can put across what i want to say without getting upset/angry.

big hugs x

Curly Panda:

big hugs x

Thanks

I've written a letter but not sure if i have the guts to send it.

Dear L and J,

I recently heard the news that you have decided to take a holiday rather than attend my Wedding on Saturday 10^th April 2010. I would firstly like to say that I am truly sorry P will not be able to act as Flower Girl as she seemed to be really thrilled by the prospect, and I hope you can understand that we have no choice but to replace her.

I am dismayed that you felt unable to contact me directly to explain the situation, I feel that would have been more appropriate than to go through my Father, he has informed me, that you are now aware that I know of the situation, and so I feel it is of crudeness not to offer any explanation or apology to me and Ian directly.

I am saddened not by the fact that you are now not attending the Wedding, but the fact that my Grandmother was really keen for you all to be present and for P to have such an involved role. She paid for her dress and her accessories and as you are aware we took P to my Grandmother’s house and dressed her up and paraded her in front of my dying Grandmother. You are also aware that she was very much looking forward to being present at the wedding herself. In fact I would go as far to say that you have ignored one of her last wishes, and unfortunately I do not know how you could live with that guilt, and also the disappointment P must feel.

I can understand, if you feel you need a break after the recent bereavement, I think we all do! But, I feel it could have been arranged at another time, afterall you told me you had cancelled the initial holiday booking, if indeed, that was the case.

I also feel the timing of informing us, was the most inappropriate. It was not even a week following the funeral of my Grandmother; I cannot imagine what she would be thinking at this moment.

I feel disappointed; that you have decided to take a holiday at the same time your Niece is getting married. A once in a lifetime event, and you would rather spend that time, not celebrating and wishing us well, but sunbathing on a beach. I feel beguiled that there will be no-one from my Father’s side of the family present on such a momentous day. It strikes me that the one person who would like to be present more than anyone, is not with us any longer, and that I feel, is a sad and poignant image of what our family has become.

I sincerely hope you have a wonderful time on your holiday,

Very well put together letter. I like the fact you haven't mentioned the monetry side of things and concentrated on you wanting them to part of your day, their daughter's disappointment and letting your Grandmother down. Not forgetting the cowardly way they let you know!

I would personally send it. It can do one of two things.....clear the air or make things worse. Its got to be worth a try and better than worrying about it all and not saying anything. I'm a firm believer in laying things open and bare....in a polite way.... rather keeping things bottled up.

I think the letter's a good idea, and I think it's formulated pretty well but tbh I don't think your phrasing is quite right - it seems a bit overly formal in places and I think it might just run the risk of putting more backs up, and thus making life more difficult for you.

I think its very well composed and dignified. Far better than the way I would have put it, which would have had a lot less restraint!

I think you should send it and I hope they feel ashamed of themselves x

I think the letter sounds really good and I would send it. It might make them realise how selfish they are being.

Hugs xx

I think you ought to sleep on it. 

I like the idea of a letter to clear the air but I think your choice of wording, in places, should be altered. Please don't be offended by my comments, I'm simply offering my advice. I work with words all day long but appreciate this might sound as if I'm being picky. Beguiled and crudeness, in particular, seem to be out of context with the rest of the letter. 

Do you speak in the way the letter is written?  If not, I think your best bet is to write a letter in the way that you would normally speak rather than seeking to over-formalise it. By doing so I think you run the risk of weakening the points you are trying to make; points which, in essence, are very simple. My understanding is that you're disappointed by what seems to be a complete disregard for your grandmother's dying wish, a lack of manners in terms of informing you of their intentions, sadness that P cannot act as a flower girl to you and the subsequent effect you feel this will have on your family. 

As I say, feel free to disregard my post but I hope you find it useful to you. If I can help further at all, please let me know. I really hope you get it sorted out. 

I think your letter is very honest and heartfelt and to be honest I would defo send it. 

Its a shame that you need to go down this route but I think If it were me receiving the letter I would realise just how selfish I was being and rearrange my holiday. 

LxXx

A very well worded letter!!

thanks girls,

I've altered certain parts of it, but the gist is the same. I read it to my Mum and she wants me to add more about the affect it has had on my father, afterall, it was his Mum who has just died and the people involved are his 2 sisters and their families. 

I do actually speak like that in real life...blame it on the up bringing or the fact i spend most of my days writing legal letters (im a law grad) 

I dont want to add too much over the top guilt as i want them to realise and feel it for themselves rather than me lay it on thick.

I think, the relationship is beyond repair, this isnt the first thing they've done, but given the recent circumstances as far as my father is concerned, it is the straw that broke the camel's back, and he says he wants nothing to do with them...obviously this now leads to further issues because they are in the process of getting my Gran's house sorted and the assets divided etc. 

I'm not going to send the letter today, i'm going to leave it and read it tomorrow and see what i think. i will definitely be sending a letter of some sort though, because i know i cant trust myself to phone and remain calm and composed and i feel they need to know how it makes me and my family feel.

Thank you all so much, i dont know what i'd do without hitched!

Well done, Mrs Lunney 2B. I'm a partner at a law firm so I feel your pain!

Definitely sleep on it first though.