Going back to work vs being a sahm...

Hello everyone!

I've been thinking a lot about what i'm going to do after the baby is born in July and it's all very stressful and complicated

I hate my job tbh, it's boring and i'm too qualified to be working there. It just so happened about 5 months ago that i was out of work and this job was the best that came up so i had to go for it. I would really like to be a sahm for two reasons- a. I want to bring up my own child and want to spend as much time with him/her as possible since this will probably be our only child, b. We wouldn't be able to afford the childcare as H works too

But it's a catch 22 situation isn't it! If i go back to work i will be miserable and we will be financially struggling due to childcare costs etc. If i stay at home i will be happy that i'm with our child but i can't see any financial solution other than to use benefits to top up our income, which i probably won't be allowed for 6 months anyway as i will have willingly given up my job. Also i would feel selfish for taking benefits when i would be perfectly able to work <sigh>

This just keeps going round and round in my head and it sucks tbh. I would be interested to hear from mums that have gone back to work and sahm's, and your experiences, what made you decide what to do etc.

Sorry i've just read this back and it's very rambly and confusing, baby brain strikes again! TIA

I CANNOT comment on going back to work, as i have not done so i am a full time sahm and im going to be honest its something you would have to wait and see...

I think its one of those things like marmite you either love or hate it!! Our days are based on alot of routine (not military), we also get out to groups and generally out the house everyday, it can be very hard work. I haven't gone back to work as I wanted to stay homne with my son for as long as possible and the thought of of putting him into nursery while I go out to work doesn;t sit well for me (me personally)...

I also make childrens birthday cakes and am a Graphic designer so have done "Jobs" from home but im not working as such...

Unsure if this helps but feel free to ask any questions!

x

I work 4 days a week.  Moneywise I don't have a choice as I earn more than H working 4 days than he does working 5.  My MIL and mum have Izzy 3 days a week so we only have to pay for 1 day of childcare (£35 a day).  When bean is here my sister G is going to have him 1 day a week so we won't have any additional childcare costs.  I don't know how we would afford it if I had to pay for 4 days of child care.

In an ideal world I would work less, especially as I can have some really long days but being a SAHM strangely perhaps wouldn't be my choice.  I like having some time away from Izzy where I can do my own thing.  I like my job on the whole, it doesn't feel like the most rewarding or worthiwhile job but I don't know what else I would do.  If I won the lottery I would gve up work in an instant but I would do voluntery work or something to maintain something for me.

Do you have to make a decision now?  Can you leave your options open when you go on m/l and then if you don't want to go back give your notice at the correct time? When you are on m/l you could look for something more suitable that you would enjoy?

If you would be happiest being a SAHM I would look into all the ways you can make it work.  What benefits can you claim, how can you cut back all your expenses and reduce your outgoings?   

We've been talking about this lately because H has not been getting on well with his work recently (he was going to walk out yesterday but we cant financially manage on my MA as I was self employed before ML). We'd sort of assumed I would be home for a bit after baby came but that I'd maybe go back to work a couple of days a week, my job is generally a good hourly rate when there's work and my mum would help us with childcare if we needed it.

I do want to be around for my LO as much as possible (working in childcare I found it sometimes hard to see the milestones as an 'outsider'), being a mum has taken over any career type ambition I've ever had, but at the same time I think I'd want to still do something part time, I hate that H wants to be at home just as much as me and if there's a way we can share it somehow we will. I can take a course which means I would probably earn more than him and we've said we'll see how it goes but it would be lovely to be able to share care between us. I enjoy my job though and he doesnt which I think makes the difference.

I have done both, after my first son I went back 2.5 days a week and then went up to 4 days a week. After my second child, childcare costs made it pointless to go back, so I am now a SAHM.

I found 2.5 days was just right really in terms of balance between home / children / work, 4 days a week was too much time apart for us. I had a fab childminder though so I was not worried about that side of things. I am struggling a bit right now being at home full time with them as they are a lot more demanding than my old clients / work mates! My plan long term is to get something part time maybe in september once my eldest is at school although I'm still uncertain how we would sort childcare in the school holidays etc.

I recently had the same dilemma. I decided to go back to work 2 days a week when LO was 13 months old - the idea being that I would soon be pregnant with number 2 and get a second lot of mat pay. However, it hasn't really worked out for me - I too hated my job and so I've decided to quit and become a SAHM at the end of the school year.

Have you looked into tax credits? If you're eligible for them, that could be an alternative to benefits. Also, remember that everybody is entitled to £80 a month child benefit - I know it's not much but it all helps.

I think as someone else mentioned, if you do decide to become a SAHM having some structure to your week is the key. Make sure you get a good social network up and go to lots of groups etc otherwise it's easy to lose a sense of purpose.

It may all become clearer once the baby is here.

Thanks for all your replies, it's really helpful to hear experiences from different angles

I've found going back part-time to a job I'm not enjoying much very hard if I'm honest. 

I'm not sure how much of it has to do with hormones and the fact that not long after I went back, I fell pregnant again, lost the pregnancy and then fell pregnant with this one, so haven't had much normality.

I'm in the sticky situation of my full-time wage being significantly more than H's, so even on 3 days per week I only earn a few k a year less than him.  For me to give up work would mean a big change in lifestyle.  I also find that work is getting me down more and more to the point where it feels like if I didn't have ML looming, I'd be cracking up. (how loony do I sound?)

I am hoping to have a good long think about my career over ML (I'm going for the full year again) and try and put in place a plan of action.  Luckily, H's salary should increase over the next few years and maybe that will give me more options.  Also things could change at work particularly management wise, which could have a huge effect on my happiness there.

Sorry for the long me,me, me post.  I guess my point is that I understand the quandary you're in.

  Good Luck making a decision.

Thanks for your reply Conanetta.

conanetta:

I also find that work is getting me down more and more to the point where it feels like if I didn't have ML looming, I'd be cracking up. (how loony do I sound?)

Not looney at all, this is how i feel. Sometimes the thought of maternity leave and having our baby is the only thing that stops me from walking out of my job!

I always intended to go back to work after a years mat leave but just couldn't do it, I worked with some hateful people that had made my pregnancy difficult so we decided I would stay at  home.  It was tight financially but we have coped and now LO is going to be 3 very soon I am so glad we made that decision as the time has flown by. It can be hard some days but as long as we have something planned each day, even just a walk to the park we manage.  LO is due to start school next year, I would like to have had another by then but having been ttc for a year now Im not confident that is going to happen, so have decided to retrain over the next year or so so that when LO is at school full time I will have a different career to look foward to.

If I was you I would go on mat leave, wait for baby to arrive and then make your decision, you may feel strongly one way or the other when baby arrives.

Good luck

x

Thanks for the good advice peppa pig xxx

I returned to work when L was 10 months.  Initally due to flexible working request being denied I returned full and hated it.  It was too much for me mentally and physically (L is not a good sleeper) and I missed him terribly.  I now work 3 days (Monday, Tuesday and Thursday).  It is ok.  I get the best of both worlds.  Me and H have enough to pay the bills and I get good time with L.  I would love to be a SAHM but financially it wouldn't work unless my husband worked all hours and never got to see L himself.  To be honest and I couldn't give up work and rely on benefits to support my family (tax credits are different).  Our family is mine and H's responsibility and I couldn't be a drain on the state.

I went back to work full-time when K was 10 months and am due to return to work, again full-time in a few weeks when A will be 7 months.  I am dreading it TBH.  I do love my job but I really want more flexibilty to allow me to spend more time with the girls.  I can appreciate now how quickly they grow up and I know I would never regret the time I spent with them though I can see me regretting working so much. 

I'm applying for a job that is 2 days per week which sounds ideal.  The girls would get time being spoilt by their Grandparents and I'd get to spend quality time with them too.

I couldn't be a fulltime SAHM, I've worked hard to build up my career but I can totally understand how hard it is to be torn between what feels like 'two lives'.

I wouldn't worry about it too much for now.  Take your ML and see how you feel later.

Ooooh more replies, thanks both! I have plenty of time to think about it i guess

i am dreading going back to work but looks like i'm not going to get out of it! Like you I hate my job but I'm reducing my hours so sarah is only in nursery 3 days a week. I am looking into ways of avoiding going back - like selling some art etc but its not going to make me enough money. I always said if i ever had kids i wouldn't send them to nursery and I wanted to bring up MY children but unfortunately thats not how its going to work out for the time being at least. I'm also looking into retraining as a teacher so that when sarah is older we aren't having to worry about child care in school holidays and also looking at running music clases in my area as an alternative but that won't be off the ground soon enough for me to avoid going back to work - I do dread it though and will be trying to not go back until the bitter end!!