Do you resent your H sometimes?

I can remember while I was pregnant getting peed off sometimes that he'd be off out for nights out, getting wasted and generally behaving like his life hadn't changed, because I suppose it hadn't in the way mine had. I don't think he could understand why I was so tired or why I didn't feel like going out after I'd thrown up for the 5th time that day.

Now we have the baby and I think I thought that both our lives would change to the same sort of extent, but that really isn't the case. This week for instance he went out with the NCT guys on Monday, played footie after work Tuesday, worked late Wed, Thurs and went out to watch the rugby with his mates from 4pm on Sat. Sat and Sunday Seb was awake every hour from 4am and he didn't go down until 12pm, I settle him to sleep so H is usually asleep way before I am and he slept through until 8am. When he woke at 8 I asked him to take Seb after I'd fed him so that I could go back to sleep until he wanted another feed so I could have an extra couple of hours in bed, unfortunately the ILs turned up at 9am yesterday so I didn't get to sleep. Yesterday night H wanted to go to bed at 8pm because he was absolutely knackered according to him, I pointed out that Seb wouldn't be going down until 11pm at the earliest so what was I meant to do while he was in bed and he relented and stayed up with us so that I could do some housework while he looked after S. When we did go to bed I was fighting to get S to go down and he was asleep by 10 and again I've been up on and off all night.

I hate him telling me he's knackered when he's pretty much getting at least 7 or 8 hours undisturbed sleep a night, I wish I could sleep through the crying and didn't need to get up and feed him. I don't even mind that it is only me that feeds him, it was my decision to BF and I'm glad we are, but some acknowledgement that I'm knackered would be nice. He gets up a couple of hours before he usually would at the weekend and tries to compete for who's more tired

Gaaaaah

I resent how his life hasn't changed massively, not him iyswim? x

I think I resent that he doesn't have the "Mummy chip". He is brilliant, we really do share the childcare 50-50 and the house is the same. But he doesn't have the same pull to be with D that I will always have. He doesn't really go out while he's working as he does random shifts, but during his rest weeks he likes to get away for a night or two - cram all his socialising into an intensive period, if you like. He has no qualms about going, no worries about D being distressed or missing him, "misses" D but enjoys the peace and sleep, and doesn't see the need to rush home.

Whereas I very rarely go away for longer than absolutely necessary, even though H would be fine with D, because I have that Mummy tie pulling me back and the Mummy guilt stopping me enjoying myself too much! 

So I don't resent what he does so much as what he doesn't feel, I suppose. Sometimes it would be nice to feel carefree and not so guilty at having a life myself.

I know how you feel.  L is 14 months now and has slept rweally badly since 5 months.  I have done every waking and bedtime.  H generally sleeps through it and then gets another hour in bed with L after I get up for work.  I get a lie in once on tje weekend and then hear H saying how tired he is for the rest of the day.  It is crap

1stBaby:

 

I resent how his life hasn't changed massively, not him iyswim? x

 

I think you've actually got it right there. He is fantastic with S, he's a great dad and he does do loads for us when he's here. I think I'm just exhausted and had to try really hard not to ask him how on earth he thinks I cope if he's tired after getting up a couple of hours early....

This is just how I feel.  When George was first born, H was quite overwhelmed by how small he was, and was scared to do too much with him.  He was on paternity leave for a couple of weeks and in that time he looked after me really well, but didn't really do a lot with George (I was bf, I slept in G's room with him whilst H stayed in our room, and I did everything else with G).  Unfortunately this made a rod for my own back and things didn't really improve.  This all seemed to reinforce a sense that H's life hasn't changed and he still goes out, spends most of the weekend on his hobbies, family comes second etc.

I've been trying to explain to him that I do everything with G, and although H sees that as a holiday because I get to swan about meeting friends for coffee, he doesn't get how hard it is, especially on not much sleep.  Gradually he's getting better but it's hard work.  I have to keep asking him to do stuff and it was only this week when he had George on his own for the first time - my sister had got home from hospital with her new baby so I went to see them for a couple of hours.  H coped and it just showed me (and him I think) that he can do it.  I don't want that to be a one-off so I'm planning on abandoning him with G again soon

Sorry that turned into a me me me rant, but I really do know where you're coming from.  It's actually made the last few months harder than they need to be, and I really hope H gets better.  Not sure if this makes sense or really explains what I mean to say - G is just waking so must dash.  But you're not alone.  I absolutely do resent H at times.

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It's hard, I can easily sympathise with you. My H does work long days and likes to go to the pub to unwind, but after me having a meltdown on him (full on sobbing) after he had been to the pub for the 3rd time in the week rather than come home to see Isla (his excuse was he finished work early so was home 'normal' time, well why not come home early ffs) he has now realised that I need a break, albeit a small 15 minute one when I don't need to entertain the baby. This revelation only happened a couple of weeks ago though

Have you tried writing down exactly what you have to do in a 24 hour period and showing him in black and white what your life is like now?

yes i did when I was working.  I hated that he could swan off on to a meeting wherever for the day and not really worry about when he got back where as my day was completely fixed.  It was difficult if i had to do something that didn't fit in my usual working day.  Now i'm not working and a bit poorly I don't resent him at all.  He's been fab with Eleanor this weekend and got up and fed her both sat and sun.

He even cancelled a day trip away last week because I wasn't 100% and on friday caught the train to York and took me for a brew at Bettys whilst we didn't have Eleanor with us.

I hope he's going to be as fab when no 2 arrives at term and they send us home with the baby.

Dinx that makes perfect sense. MrDL is great with S when he has him, the problem is if he doesn't get home from work until 8pm then we're entering cluster feed time and I can't hand him over for very long for a break and if he goes out for the night then I've been left with the baby for about 16 hours on my own and if he has a day when he won't go down for naps or doesn't want to be put down then that's really bloody hard.

thanks everyone for your replies, I think I just needed somewhere to vent that would be sympathetic.

1stBaby:

 

I resent how his life hasn't changed massively, not him iyswim? x

I think this is the same for 1st Baby.

I was speaking to H about this at the weekend, as I was feeling like this.  I understand that he does have a tough job but we both decided to try for a baby yet why does all the day to day care come down to just me when I am working full time too...

Hopefully when he finds a new job this will improve...

H told me last night that he'd fixed up to go to the pub with some mates on Friday night.

I said, "No problem, I'll babysit."

H looked at me as if I was crazy.

Yet, if I want to go out we do have to have a discussion about H babysitting etc. I've only had one evening out without B so far, although have 2 lined up in the next two weeks.

What really pees me off is when he gets the hump with me for going on at him about booking certain dates off. 

He works shifts and weekends, always Saturdays so if I want to do something on a Saturday without E then I have to ask him to have it as a day off.  What he doesn't 'get' is if he doesn't make the effort to swap his days off round then I can't go out.  Whereas if he wanted to do something he could, no problem.

I am going out for a day in April and because he moaned about me asking him to take too many Saturdays off I have asked my dad to have E for the day, but told H he needs to be on an early shift so my dad doesn't have to do bedtime.  But I know he has already forgotten about doing an early and I will have to remind him and remind him till he gets the arse with me. But to me, its important.  To him, its in April which is ages off so why am I stressing now?  But its one less things in my head if its sorted.  And he doesn't get that I want HIM to put E to bed,  not my dad who would probably be fine but would worry if E got upset.

Thats what annoys me-  I am always thinking, worrying, making sure I have sorted a babysitter when we need it or that I'll be home in  time to be with E at cartain times of the day, like bedtime, when I know he gets tired and upset.  But H doesn't think about things like that, and my head is full of it!

One day I'm going to tell him I'm going out, and if he's working, tough- he can sort out a babysitter!

That got ranty- he's not bad at all, but this always bugs me!

1stBaby:

I resent how his life hasn't changed massively, not him iyswim? x

Exactly WSS.

Mr K is lovely with both children but he just doesn't think sometimes. He expects medals/award ceremonies/recognition all the bloody time for putting a wash on or changing a nappy or generally dealing with the kids, without realising that I do that All.The.Time and just get on with it. 

Yesterday I snapped and asked him if he wanted a reward sticker chart because he was being really smug about changing our bed sheets and tidying away a bit of clutter.

You have my utter sympathy lovely

Most of the time yes. Everyday at the moment! 

Big hugs to everyone. DDl, I think it's hard not to - even now I get unreasonably wound up at H's inability to do two things at the same time (nothing technical, just put washing away whilst singing silly songs to C - normal to me!) or taking so long to get ready in the morning that it makes him home late. But then I always end up feeling like the unreasonable one, because he's worked hard earning money for us all day! Gah.