WWYD-MIL wanting to stay post birth- bit long!

I'd be inclined to tell her that since you don't know when the baby is coming, or what sort of birth you'll end up having that you don't want her to make arrangements until after the baby is born, and that if she insists on making arrangements now, she can come mid-august.

I remember for the first 6 weeks feeling very invaded by the ILs (ours live 10 minutes away) who thought they could just descend on me as and when they pleased.  We ended up having to have words (which didn't really work in the long run but had the desired short term effect).

I was on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster after the birth and I think having anyone to stay would have driven me loopy.

conanetta:

 and that if she insists on making arrangements now, she can come mid-august.

Ahhh- heaven!

Thanks ladies- i feel more confident to stand up to her now- will chat with H over tea and then w MIL.

Cheers for the support

Best of luck docshell - I hope you can come to an arrangement that you are all happy with!

A bit more ammunition to stand up for yourself by way of anecdote:

My friend's MIL lives in Canada.  When their first son was born she arrived about 2 weeks later to stay for 4 weeks.  My friend got very upset as the MIL was always holding the baby and first to pick him up when he cried, because "She'd got to get all the cuddles in while she could".  The first 2 weeks after the birth she'd had her own parents stay as they lived a good 3 hour drive away.  It wasn't until the baby was 6 weeks old that they actually got some time together as a family.

Needless to say, things worked differently with child 2 and 3!

We had sort of the same situation when B was born. They live in Blackpool and we were near Glasgow at the time. He was due on the 18th so first they told us they had booked the hotel for the 22nd so they could come and see baby. We told them he may not be born so they changed it to the weekend after-the 26th. We told them again baby might not be here then either. They were very annoyed MIL even told me that H was 4 weeks early so to expect the same

A few weeks passed and they told us they were coming for Hs birthday which is the 31st, they would arrive on the 30th. H said it was better until I told him that it was 12 days past my due date and I could be still waiting to give birth and it would be around that time an induction would happen. His Mum went a bit loopy as she does and FIL said to us that we were making things difficult-he said all MIL wants is to hold the baby she has waited 9 months for I get it, I do really but Im not very sympathetic towards them.

In the end they waited for him to be born which made the most sense, he was born on the 21st and they told us that day they would be up on the 30th as they originally planned. Fair enough. Then MIL rang and said that as her sister was coming too and had a bit of a problem with money could she stay with us, her reasoning was that my Mum (from plymouth) had been up to see us 2 days after B was born so it would be ok for the Aunt too). H ummed and ahhed over it and said yes, it was a nightmare. His Aunt isnt in the best mental health and the entire 3 days was so stressful. I had severe baby blues (later pnd), she wouldnt leave baby alone and the PILs would come for an hour in the morning to see B, then leave us with the Aunt all day before seeing us for an hour or so in the evening!

Anyway, Im rambled and have got myself upset but my advice to you is stay strong and tell them what will happen. I will be next time. I would also suggest the same as what was said above (conanetta?), tell them if they have to make plans then to make them for mid-August, definately the best solution as then baby will be here and it also means you will get a few weeks. Also what Madonna (?) said about telling H you will be taking baby away for feeding (breast or formula tbh) as it gives you a bit of private time with baby and some time to compose yourself too. I surprised myself with how strong I was at telling them when to leave B alone/let him sleep (he slept too much apparantly)/put him down etc.

as I know how hard it can be.

Sorry Ive rambled on lots!!

Please don't give an inch on your firm boundaries, knowing her history and her inability to take responsibility her her own feelings. You will never get this time again so please protect yourselves from her. Plently said here already. If it were me and she turned up earlier than arranged I'd be tempted not to open the door to her, given the warnings she'd have had.

All I can really add is: get a sling so that baby is close to you and she can't go overboard on cuddles. It gives you more control, and keeps baby happy close to you. A stretchy wrap like a moby/ kari-me/ sleepy wrap would be perfect.

docshell:

I know but i would get blamed for upsetting her- she's allowed to say things because she doesn't know any better but me i have to be polite at all times. This is why post wedding H and i spent alot of time in car parks crying and then had to go back and act as normal.

 

You see, if some one spoke to me in a way that made me run out and cry in a car parkwith my H, I would have driven off and not gone back in until I'd received an apology.
If you let someone talk to you like that without repercussions you're just inviting them to do it again and again...  You can't change your MIL but you can change how you react to her.

You are going to be extremely vulnerable and exhausted after birth and your primary focus is recovering from the pregnancy and birth, and bonding with your baby. It's not the time to have unwanted visitors, or to have to bend over backwards to please relatives you don't even have a good relationship with. I'd rather pay for someone to cook and clean than have their help in that case - and anyway, what is the likelihood that she really sees herself as coming to help you with the housework rather than just cuddle your baby while she expects you run around entertaining her?

Seriously, it's your H's mother - it's time he grew a backbone and told her what is acceptable for you as a couple with regard to visiting and staying is. If he can't stick up for you and baby before baby and MIL arrives, he's certainly not going to do it afterwards...

Well said Zebra

to you- i didn't mean to upset you with the discussion. "all MIL wanted was to hold the baby she has waited 9 months for"-  i bet you were thinking the same.

Zebra- my H would certainly back me up- to begin with he was half and half but since the last visit and the way she behaved that shocked H as he thought it was settled and alot was SIL influence/time passing, etc. we just need to come up with a plan. And i wanted to make sure that i didn't sound unreasonable.

Slings- i already have a ring sling and a stretchy wrap one so i will certainly have that but i can just hear the comments from MIL- hippy/not right/suffocating baby/not allowing baby to move/being unreasonable/she can't have cuddles or even see the baby- i could go on. But i don't care i want to sling so i will.

docshell:

to you- i didn't mean to upset you with the discussion. "all MIL wanted was to hold the baby she has waited 9 months for"-  i bet you were thinking the same.

 

Oh no, you havent upset me, I do love a good thread to rant about the ILs (although I am sorry for your situation), just winds me up as it makes me think of everything they have said/done lol

I think I stared in disbelief that he couldnt see how silly the statement was, I was tempted to say 'well, 2 more weeks wont hurt' but I could actually see his point, even if he didnt articulate it very well.