Struggling, just need to get it out (sens)

(obv sens unless you don't know my history, in which case, well, sens)

I am struggling. I'm 21+3 and even best case scenario I'm looking at another 4 months of this. Of course worst case scenario I'm looking at not having 4 months more of this and that would also be horrible too, although, and this will sound terrible and bite me on the arse if anything happens to Sausage, right now, today, the anxiety and the not knowing feels a worse prospect.

I've been doing okay so far, getting on with being pregnant for what will be the last time. Physically I've been fine, just tired. I knew emotionally this would be difficult, and get more difficult as things go on, but I didn't really know IYSWIM - I'm already wearing this great leaden overcoat 24h a day of fear, and anxiety, and dread, and frustration with it all.

I don't think I realised how bad it was till yesterday, when I went to get my hair cut. My lovely hairdresser was giving my head a massage and I just felt so light, like the weight was off my shoulders for 5 mins, and I wanted to cry because till then I hadn't quite realised what I was carrying.

I don't do pregnancy easily, never have. This time I have the added voodoo ritual of pills and an injection every evening, it feels like I'm warding away bad news every night. I'm tired, but who isn't, though I know it doesn't help.

I'm starting to get breathless already - with Joe I had some heart investigations begun and although nothing was found before he died I do still wonder if there's something there, or maybe something contributed, though of course nothing has ever been linked. It's just another reminder. I know I can discuss this with my consultant and will do, but it's another straw.

We've got the anomoly scan next week, another milestone that I'm fearful of, especially as they'll be looking at my doppler flows too. not that they can do anything - until 24w my baby can't be saved even if there is anything wrong anyway, and anyway we all know how that turned out last time don't we, the viable marker is just another day in the diary and means nothing if the baby doesn't come home anyway.

Sausage doesn't move much. He ferrets himself away and hides for much of the day (first time I get an anterior placenta, perfect timing) - yesterday I had the doppler out twice to check. Not even a bottle of Coke shifted him till he was good and ready. This doesn't help.

So all in all I think I'm just processing, and checking, and expecting, and preparing, 24 bloody hours a day and I'm exhausted.

In the spirit of my counselling course I shared all this last night and Mr M, the poor bugger, proceeded to say exactly the wrong things in response. Having to tell him what I need to hear is just one more load, can anyone wonder why I keep it all inside? Still, he knows better next time.

I know no-one can take this off my shoulders but I don't think many people understand just how seriously I wish I could go to sleep and wake up to a baby in 4 months' time, or even the bargains I'd make just to know how this is going to turn out, or even the compromises I would be willing to try and make to get the baby out pre-term if it were possible to balance baby's health with mine, which sounds so selfish but I'm struggling and I don't know what the baby will have left of me by June.

Not that you had a choice, but thank you for letting me share. It is good to write it down somewhere. I know this is understandable given the situation I'm in, God only knows if one of my friends was doing this (as some are, sadly) I'd feel so bad for them. It's just all a bit much for my plate right now. I know I can access some counselling, though tbh the private care I've got has all gone a bit crap, I'll discuss antenatal counselling/mental health care with my consultant next week of course.

Thanks for being 'there' x

I don't really have any words that will 'help' Madonna but I am a great listener and am here if you ever need to just talk and say it all out loud.

I (and all of us) will always be here.

xxx

Oh Lovey,

I can't know exactly how you feel. None of us can.

I think I know a little bit how you feel. It's a huge pressure. A fear of the known in your case.

I completely understand you wanting to go to sleep for the next four months and to wake up with your healthy new baby. Bargains... I have made those and continue to do so even now.

Keep talking to us love... you listen to so many other's troubles, let us listen to yours.

x

I am new so don't  know your history but can kind of guess.

I am sorry I have no advice and I cannot understand what you are going through but I had to reply to you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I wish there was something useful I could say.

Do you have anyone other than your H you can talk to irl, even if its your GP for the timebeing until you can ask about the counselling? We are all here for you too.

Like you have said, it is completely understandable that you feel this way, but that doesn't make it any easier for you.

I hope Sausage starts give you some good kicking sessions soon to help reassure you he/she is okay, and that the next 4 months go as quickly as possible for you.

xxx

it's so bloody tough every single hour of the day.  Every twinge, every niggle every movement every not movement is a cause for concern.

I live from appointment to appointment just like you.  The 19 w scan in my case was terrifying and I was in a right state by the time i got there. 

However even though all is well in there at the moment what if it isn't on tuesday.  I don't want another prem baby.  

I understand some of what you're going through as you very well know.  Some bits I don't. 

I'm just going through my diary now looking at what I can do over the next 12 weeks.  6 of which are at work.  to make the time pass quicker.  I need to be busy I need to think less but I can't.

Most of all my friend have a bloody big hug from all of us Sparklings as we know how hard it is. 

I may come back and write more later but I can't look at the screen for a long time in one go atm.

Oh, Madonna I wish I could do something to make things easier for you.  Keep talking  and I hope that you can find ways to cope and ease the burden x

I wish i had something useful say. We are here if you need to talk about anything x

Madonna, I wish there was something any of us could say that would take all the fear away for you. You are doing so well, and you are so strong. You are an inspiration to many of us here.

have as many as you need to get you through this, we are always here for you.

Big hugs

We all know what a hard time this must be for you, so just feel free to ramble away whenever it helps you to do so.

x

Madonna

I don't know what to say as no-one can take this burden from you, but I'd like to give you a big It's no surprise that you are feeling this way, given your history. I hope that your scan next week may be able to give you a little reassurance. And I truly hope that come June you will be holding your baby in your arms and the anxiety and stress you are currently feeling will all be worth it.

Bee x

dont no really what to say but wanted to give you a big xx

Madonna, I truly don't know what to say. I think you are the most amazing, inspirational and strong perosn I have ever 'met'. I can understand to an extent how you feel, although I would never claim to know how you feel. I wish I could do something to make you feel better, I wish I could say the right words but I don't know what they are. All I can offer you is being here to listen to you, however you feel, and if you ever need anything at all, a chat, playdate, help with ANYTHING, I'm only over the big bridge. The support you have given to everyone on this place means you deserve so much more back. Keep talking as we will all always be here to listen. I would give anything for you to have your baby boy home safe and sound, anything xxx

Oh I wish I could do or say something that can make you feel better all I can promise is that we are here for you to talk to and support you whenever you need us. 

x

Madonna, you've said at the end we don't have a choice - but we have...we didn't have to read this, most of us know your history and want to be there for you. We're all here for you. What you're carrying around with you, is a burden and as they say its best to share if you can.

I think you're so strong, and if we can be here for you to listen or help in anyway then I for one am honored. If we can get you through the next four months then we will!

x