Are some people just not cut out for motherhood?

I feel a bit like you too at the moment Snidget, N is 7 weeks old but the constant never ending cyycle of feed, wash, change, cry,  and repeat is really hard. And he has been really grumpy the last couple of days too so I lose track of the days and find myself thinking back to my old life.

But of course I wouldn't change it and I'm sure you wouldn't either if faaced with the choice. Doesn't make it any easier though does it?

x

You see this is where I am so lucky. My own mother was so dreadful at being a parent that whenever I get down and feel I'm not a good enough parent (like today I was rubbish, B just whinged all day because he wasn't feeling well and I could do nothing for him - we couldn't even go outside because he is afraid of the snow) - I remember how awful she was and realise that it is because I want to be a good parent that I feel like a rubbish parent.

I hope that makes sense. I have read posts from most of the people on here belittling their own wonderful parenting skills, BUT it is because they are wonderful parents that they and you put yourself down. When E grows up he will worry about being a good parent because everybody does and because he has a wonderful example to look up to

Some people are definitely not cut out for motherhood - mainly because they don't care about anyone but themselves and I haven't come across anyone like that on here

Hi Snidget,

FWIW when I met you I thought how calm you were and good at settling Ethan. We all have times when we feel like we shouldn't be mummies or that we're not cut out for it. I love E sooo much but I find her hard work. It makes it even harder when are stuck indoors and get cabin fever and it feels like they just whinge the whole day. I look forward to bedtimes so I can chill out and not worry about E. In fact I can't wait for Weds and Thurs as thats when she goes to pre-school giving me a little bit of time alone and being able to just get on and do things without having to worry about her.

Do you ever get a break? A few hours to pop to the shops on your own, time out for a facial or something? I found when E was born my H didn't realise that you don't always want to be a mummy, you need to be yourself again. Every few weeks I'd make appointments to go for a haircut or jusy pop to the shops to grab a coffee and read my book in peace. Is that something your H can give you the time to do?

xxx

Snidget:

Getting time alone is a challenge - we're an hour away from any family, so hard to get babysitters without mass organisation.  Plus the fact that Ethan will only feed with me at the moment - for some reason he's decided that I'm the only one allowed to give him a bottle - even though he screams, pinches and spits at me throughout.  The snow doesn't help, as we've been stuck indoors all week and I can feel myself going stir crazy.

Our local leisure centre has a creche a few hours a week - would it be worth seeing whether your local council has any creche facilities so that you could get even an hour to yourself during the day?  At our leisure centre they come and get you if baby needs feeding.  I also found getting out every day for at least one 'activity' - even supermarket shopping! - helped me to keep my sanity! 

Z xx

Thank you all for your reassurances.  The more I reflect on it, the more I feel that it's not that I'm so much a 'bad' mum (as I know some who really are), but just that I'm not a very good mum, but also that it's just not the life for me.  Even if Ethan is in the happiest, most adorable mood, I just want to be away from him.  I know I put him in the activity centre as it gives me a break.  He just doesn't deserve that.

I did have a long chat with H last night, and he's going to help give me more time off - doing the bath at weekends etc.  I would like to go out - but I feel so guilty spending money if it's not on Ethan.

Going out doesn't have to cost much at all, and if it helps make you feel better then in the long run its for his benefit too!

Grab a coffee for an hour - £3

Get out for a walk in the fresh air - Free

Laze in the bath - Free!

I've been there so I know how you feel. xxx

Have you spoken to your health visitor about how you feel?  You may be suffering from a bit of depression?  Do you manage to get out of the house with Ethan?  I find if I am having a bit of a low day getting out and getting some air helps both me and my LO?  It does get easier as they get older.  My LO is 10 months and she is happy to amuse herself some of the time now whilst I can have a sneaky read of a magazine or just have a cuppa.  The early days are so hard.  I spent the first 3 weeks as mum crying - and not just a bit - proper rivers of tears that soaked my clothes!  I really felt like taking her back to the hospital at one point because I felt like such a "bad" mother.  To me, it doesn't sound like you are a bad mum at all.  I think some people take more time to adjust to their new life.  I totally agree with what the others say though - you need to get some "me" time just to have a breather from it all.  The more stressed and anxious you feel, the more Ethan will pick up on it.  Sending you lots of hugs x x

1st Baby - fair point, maybe coffee, cake & a book one evening is the answer!

MaisieMoo - I am already having treatment for PND, I have been since Ethan was 5 weeks old.  Next week we start video play therapy, and I do wonder if I need a review of my AD's too.  I just feel that he needs better

I'd say the fact you're worrying makes you a good mum - being a good mum is about taking care of your baby's needs (frequently before your own) even when the last thing you want to do is comfort through another grizzle or whatever. Who says that good mums enjoy every second of their child?

Some women are without doubt happiest when surrounded by babies and children and find that life entirely satisfying. I love my son but I'd be an awful full time SAHM - I need some level of intellectual stimulation after a few months that is just not available from looking after a small child. So unless I could afford a cleaner and part-time child care, I'd not be a SAHM in the long-term.

I don't think that makes me a baby mum or not cut out for motherhood though. It makes me a realist!

Have you read the book What Mothers Do (especially when it looks like nothing at all)? You might find it interesting.

I don't think you've had an easy start to motherhood either which doesn't help - accept your H's help and have more "Snidget time" - it helps to keep you sane and lets your H bond with the baby too.

I can relate to what you've said.  I had a traumatic introduction to motherhood there are things that happened that I think affected me and how I act as a Mum.

I think going back to work was my saviour at the end of the day.  Really it was.  It gave me some me time and the ability to use my head back.  Eleanor still tests me but in different ways.

Like Jellybaby yesterday I had to go and put Eleanor away for a sleep because she was just being naughty and I knew I was going to turn all unnecessarily shouty.  I needed that hour off! 

Whilst I hate my job I'm thinking even with 2 I'm going to have to go back to work at some point otherwise I might go a little insane as I'll be trying for time out between 2 of them.

Snidget, from what you have said in the past I really do think that going back to work will be a lifesaver for you. I know how passionately you feel about your job and I think that getting that time back again will give you a sense of identity outside of motherhood and maybe give you the opportunity to miss Ethan and therefore have more quality time with him when you're together. I found that going back certainly helped with that, although as you know, I don't like my job so it's not quite the same in terms of giving me fulfilment.

I think Starstruck (& others) speak a lot of sense with what they say about not being the kind of mother you thought you would be and that thereby leading to guilt. I think that's certainly where a lot of my worries come from as I've always wanted nothing more out of life than to be a mum, and now I am one, much as I adore Toby, well it's not quite as I envisaged and I certainly don't feel the way I thought I would about it.

You know what, I feel a meet without babies coming on - shall we get the boys to babysit for a night or send them off for an afternoon together to talk about car engines or something, and go off and do our own thing?

Can I gate crash a night out without babies, and suggest a few glasses of wine in the tudor rose?? I can do most nights but not tuesdays. After the snow has cleared obviously.

ColetteG:

Can I gate crash a night out without babies, and suggest a few glasses of wine in the tudor rose?? I can do most nights but not tuesdays. After the snow has cleared obviously.

Of course! Where's the Tudor Rose?

I guess people are right, maybe I'm just not the type of parent I hoped to be.  Not so much in the way I bring Ethan up - I feel I've stuck very much to my 'ideals'; but in that I just don't enjoy motherhood as much as I expected. 

Maisy Mouse - I think you're probably right, returning to work will be important for me.  I do love my job and miss it a lot.  Funny how different 2 different 'caring' jobs can be.  And I would definately love a baby free night out!

Colette - I'm am definately up for the Tudor Rose... (Maisy Mouse, it's a pub down the road from me, if you can get here...)

I'm a bit of a lurker to Baby Talk, but I just wanted to say how proud I am to see a mummy being so honest about their feelings.  My daughter is 5 months old and from very early on I really struggled to adapt to being a Mummy.  I always remember crying my eyes out when my hubby returned to work after Paternity Leave.  I was so jealous that he could just walk out the door and continue with life as before.  Most of my friends have young children and I felt duped that no one had ever expressed how hard it was to look after a newborn - this left me feeling that I must be a bad mother!  Having now shared stories with my friends it seems like most of them have felt the same but didn't want to admit to such feelings for fear of what others would say!

I'm actually very lucky in the respect that my daughter is a very contended child most of the time, however she is very fiesty and has an incredible temper.  There's no doubt she got her looks from her Dad and her personality from her Mum!  But I just have no patience for her whatsoever!  Her nightime routine is perfect 7 till 7, but during the day she refuses to nap unless she's in the buggy or car seat.  This means that I am constantly pounding the pavements or wandering aimlessly round the shopping centres.  I just find the whole thing so mundane and lonely! 

Apologies if I've taken over your post, I guess it just opened a can of worms.  My hubby is offshore just now and the day after he left Toots came down with a viral infection.  Poor little mite has been awake every hour for the past four nights, and I just feel so helpless.  She is so overtired during the day that she just screams and screams.  I feel like the worst mother ever because I am watching the clock for the next dose of Calpol.

The reality is that being at home and bringing up a baby is the hardest job that any woman will ever go through.  It would be so much easier though if more woman were honest about their experiences instead of pretending that their Supermum.  Please don't flame me, I realise that being a Mummy comes very naturally to a lot of woman, but to other it can really be a struggle.