o/t - felling so down and confused re hubby, dont know what to do.. long sorry

Please forgive me for going anon, I am a regular on BT an didnt want to go as myself as a few people know me on here. 

Don't really know where to start, suppose I just need to get things off of my chest.  I feel so down lately, not generally but mainly with my husband.  I am pregnant with our second child and I noticed that when I was pregnant with our first that my feelings changed for my hubby.  Not enough to be worried, when our child was born I was obviously blissfully happy but I did start to notice little things that really annoy me about hubby.  I did go through pnd with my first that was cured with a 6 month course of anti d's, but I sort of feel the way I did with pnd all over again now.  Is this normal? See what confuses me is, is this hormonal or is there really a problem with our relationship. 

I know nobody is perfect and everybody has their little things that are annoying to their partner, I get that; we have been together for 10 years so I have a long list of things that annoy me lol but obviously they have been bearable.  It just seems that since I have been pregnant again these annoying little things dont seem so little anymore iyswim.  Its  things like his inability to look after and clean up after himself.  I suppose before we had children it was a pain but I had more time and patience to deal with this, since having our Lo my time is spent running after her and I really resent that I still end up cleaning up after hubby.  Its not a case of talking to hubby about this as after 10 years he will never change, you cant just change.  I really worry that when our second child arrives things are just going to get worse.

My hubby works away a lot due to his job and he has been away recently, he has had a coupleof days at home over christmas and if I am honest they were awful, we spent this time getting to each other and not so much arguing but snapping at each other, I have really not enjoyed christmas this year at all. It got to the point where I was counting down the time until he returned to work, he will be back home next week and back to normal working hours and I am dreading it.  I have even considered how much nicer it would be if we were not together.  It just feels as if we cant hold a normal conversation anymore and I know this is more so down to me as he just annoys me so much that I get so annoyed with him and the fact that he never listens to me  and I end up repeating things a million times and then get accused of nagging!

Has anyone else found that during pregnancy their feelings have changed at all for their partner, or have fel anything similar. I just dont know what to do.  I feel so down at the thought of him coming home but at the same time I do miss him when he is not here but then after him being home for 30 mins I cant bear to be around him.  I feel so confused as I just dont know what is going on in my head at the minute, I am sitting here sobbing as I write this and just want all these feelings to go away.  I am so happy to be carrying our second child and love my LO so much and love my hubby for giving me these blessings but I do wonder if I have just fell out of love with my hubby. 

So sorry for the long post, havnt even really got everything down that I am feeling just dont know where to begin but if you have managed to get this far then hopefully you get the general idea. 

I feel for you.

I guess what it is is that with being pregnant and trying to run round after a toddler you're probably exhausted so when he still doesn't help out your patience is wearing thinner! I don't think my feelings really changed when I was pregnant but have since a bit. You do feel like you're nagging all the tiime but when they don't listen what can you do? I can see what you mean about it being easier when they're away though, the house is so much tidier when it's just me here.

I think you need to spell it out. Tell him you're exhausted and you NEED his help

Thanks Carriag, your right. Its just so exhausting to also have to keep spelling things out for him.  I hate that I have to ask and I really feel like Im not his wife anymore but a substitute mother.  It got so bad when he was off I actually had to ask him to take a shower for gods sake! Then I was the bad one for nagging him when he was on his hols, but why should I have to smell him, he is a grown man for gods sake!  I know what you mean about the tidy house and that is exactly what I said when my friend asked me about him being away, my reply was that I loved the fact I could tidy in the morning and it would still be tidy at the end of the day!  Im not after Mr Perfect but just Mr can do things for himself!

I think I am a bit to blame, I mean there are things that he has done the whole time have been together, its not like he has suddenly changed into this usless bag of crap but I just dont want to put up with it anymore.

xx

I think things change greatly when you have children.  With my H (also of 10 years) I feel that I;ve had to 'grow up' and put somebody else in front of me, whereas he still puts himself first.  It irritates me when he seems to switch off his ears to the girls - they can fight, cry, ask him for something, and he can just ignore them and stare at his computer.  He rarely raises a finger to help me, has never done a night waking or early morning in 3 years,.  I seem to carry the whole weight of the family on my shoulders, whereas he carries on as he did before (out at the pub every night he can be).  My H lives away during the week too and I am also looking forward to him returning tomorrow as all we've done this holiday is bicker and have a couple of blazing rows (one on christmas day, one on new years day).  Basically I think it has got to the level that we are together only for the children - me because I know they love him, he because he knows if he leaves he won't see them again.  Sad how things change, but I think you really see the cracks and weaknesses in someone's personality when the going gets tough, and it doesn't get much tougher than when you have young children to care for 24/7.

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down. I'm not sure how to help really but I'd like to ask how pregnant are you? Is it first trimester? I definitely found I was way more irritable during my first trimester than I am normally, and I think pregnancy hormones can really mess with your emotions. Christmas can be quite a stressful time anyway, let alone with pregnancy hormones, so it's understandable that you've been feeling annoyed.

Thats so right Penelope, I really resent the fact that although we have a family it only seems to be my life that has changed.  I dont resent my LO and I love that my life has changed for them to be a part in it but how can hubby not move with this change.  We actually argued on christmas day because I asked him to turn off his xbox and play with our LO instead of letting her play alone and she was getting fed up of this.  I was busy cooking the chrsitmas dinner and he actually complained that he hadnt had chance to play on his xbox! For gods sake the last time I got an hour to my self was before our LO was born, is it too much to ask or too much common sense to think I will wait until LO goes to bed for me to have down time, she goes down at 7pm for gods sake and I go to bed early as always so tired so he has most of the night to play on his toys! What makes me so angry is the fact that I have to tell him to play with his daughter, why can this not be what he should naturally want to do given he says he misses her so much when he is working away!

Hi Hutchy, I am 22 weeks pregnant so well into my 2nd tri now.  I know hormones are rife, joys of pregnancy lol! This is why I am so confused, is it that I am just not able to control them at the mo or am I really out of love.

xx

Snap!  t took him 4 days until he got himself down onto the floor and actually played with our 3YO and her new toys.  He'll sit and watch the TV or play on his computer while I cook and play with both children simulataniously saying loudly "sorry girls, you have to share me I'm afraid as there is only 1 of me to go round".  Then he cries about how he hates being away from them.  When we socialise he just ditches them with me, sits and drinks beer and talk to other adults then says I'm 'odd' because I find socialising such a drag ...... when I've spent 3 hours trying to seperate the warring factions, save people's ornaments from being broken, entertain them, wipe noses, change nappies, fetch drinks, find snacks ...... it's like I've grown up, my life has changed 1000% and he's still back in the same rut he was in 10 years ago.  And as for going on holiday abroad, don't get me started!  He's slept in every morning for 2 weeks now, been to the pub every night, while I'm so exhausted from the girls I go to bed generally by 9pm and am up for the day at 5am.  He's bathed them and put them to bed once in 3 years - only then because I went away for the night to get a break ...... and he marvels that they are such 'mummy's girls' and won't go to him for comfort!

I feel for you Penelope but it is a little reassuring to find that I am not the only one.  I feel the same way about socialising he is exactly the same once we mix he forgets we have a child and just assumes I will be there to look after her and he doesnt even give it a second thought.  If I switched off as easily as him our children would be totally neglected.  Boxing Day, we had a couple of (childless) friends over which if I am honest as I am up at 6 with our Lo and a very light sleeper due to Lo number 2 kicking away in my belly was reluctant too as it usually turns into an all night session then I have to keep LO quiet the next day and creep around my house whilst they all sleep.  I agreed on condition that hubby didnt get bladdered and showed a small amount of respect to me.  Its not that I am pregnant so nobody else can party, its just that I am pregnant and dont want to be kept up all night by them then get up early with LO.  Well hubby stuck to beer and sayed off the spirits so give him his dues but spent the night making sly comments about how he is not allowed to drink blah blah blah.  This then made me look like a righ div and just made me so angry, he then stayed up until 3am plaing on the xbox with his mate, which meant i was disturbed as was our Lo as the living room is right under our rooms then I was up at 6! I made him sleep on the couch and did I hell keep quiet the next morning. 

How hard is it to remember that they are parents?  I would love to be able to switch off but being a parent brings responsibilities, I have told him this but it goes nowhere!

Wow.  It really is nice to realise that I'm not the only person that feels like that about children and parties.  He has to start taking responsibility for his daughter.  She is now talking of going back to her Mums and Hubby will have no-one to blame but himself.

Anon - Your not alone in these problems.  We are here for you