o/t but i need some help sorting my mother out

Dad is still in oxford Mum is still nearly a hundred miles away.  Dad was expecting to be transferred to Northampton today but hasn't happened due to lack of beds.

Anyway Mum can drive but is refusing to drive to Oxford.  I can half see this but at the end of the day the best shot she has of seeing Dad today is to get in the car and drive.  Neighbours are reluctant to help as it is a big ask to get them to take her to oxford, hang around waiting and then bring her back.  Hospitals not the most interesting of places.

Mum can't see this.  We managed to get her a lift yesterday but I can't find one for her today as I say it's a big ask.  MOst people are like well she has a car can't she drive there.  Yes she could but she won't.

My sister has helpfully sorted her out with buses and trains tomorrow but i know that it's going to take her so long to get there that Dad is going to be transferred and she'll have to get home again and then drive to Northampton.  She does not have the option to transfer with Dad we've already explored that one and know from personal experience.

If he gets to Northampton fine she'll drive there or she can get a bus but she hasn't seen him today and frankly is doing my head in on the subject.  Taxi i guess is an option but it's an expensive one and I can hear the I can't afford that routine right now as I type.

My Dad doesn't need a wittering wife on his case I think he's been through enough this week.

The only solution i see is that i up sticks with Eleanor and abandon Mr S to drive her about.  Not realistic though is it and certainly isn't going to help me.

I could just do with out it.  I hate being the eldest daughter I'm just expected to magically fix everything.

Right now I'd just like to cry and pretend this isn't happening.

Is there anything sensible i can do.  Are there any organisations that might be able to help me out? 

I'm stuck between a rock and a very hard place.

Thanks in advance and sorry to be very taking right now i hope i can give something back very soon.

Elizabeth

Honestly, I think you need to put yourself first and rushing around looking after everyone else isn't doing that.  Unless you want to be with your mum and dad then stay where you are.

As for your mum, I'd find the details of a taxi firm for her and if she says she can't afford it then she can drive.  I don't hold much patience for people who "don't drive" certain routes, distances etc.  If she wants to see him that much she will do what she needs to do.

I'm sorry if I'm out of order here, but why is i down to you to fix this?  You've done what you can to try and help her, but ultimately she has a solution (just get in the fecking car and drive), and is choosing not to take it.

You have more than enough on your plate right now - if your Mom (a grown up) can't/won't help herself, that's not automatically your problem to resolve.  Do yourself a favour and be a bit selfish.

  I know you don't need this, and deserve it even less.  I hope your Dad gets his transfer tomorrow and is better soon.

jelly baby:

I don't hold much patience for people who "don't drive" certain routes, distances etc.

To be honest, I'd rather people who didn't feel that they could drive a certain route/distance not drive it, if that makes sense. It would be an accident waiting to happen!

What an awful situation to be in.... but you need to put you, the baby and Eleanor first....

ToH and JB i totally agree with you but my mother is pathetic lets put it bluntly.  She has no ability to cope with anything.  If a problem arises Dad fixes it. 

Dad is the problem therefore my mother is 6 million times worse than usual.  SHe therefore expects everyone else around her to perform miracles and gets really quite nasty.  TOday the line is very much but you and your sister have abandoned me and live miles away and aren't here when i need you why can't you live closer.  I am the eldest child she sees it as my duty to fix things.  In her eyes i haven't done enough she can be very sneaky.  I thought i did pretty well to mobilise overnight childcare and be down south in under 3 hours complete with Mr S to chauffeur us about.  Mr S declared me unfit to drive it wasn't me being unwilling to drive I will add here.

She expects far too much of people and can't see that it's not fair to ask someone to drive her to oxford and loiter.  She doesn't understand why there isn't a queue of people offering to help her.

JB the driving thing is bloody ridiculous too and I just wish she'd get in the car even if it had been earlier today because she didn't want to drive in the dark.

Thanks everyone for your help. It shouldn't be down to me but this is what useless parents are like.  Can't do anything themselves.

E has to come first, followed by your dad and you.

buy her a sat nav?

Rach1234:

E has to come first, followed by your dad and you.

 

buy her a sat nav?

thanks

she has one but doesn't know how to use it and isn't prepared to listen to being told how to use it or to even look at instructions.

i didn't mean to be flippent, reading it back it could have come out that way.  what is she scared of?

she sounds like my mil.   I think you have to lay it on the line for her, if she wants to see her husband in hospital, then she gets in the car and drives herself there or forks out for a taxi.  its not fair on you or E and its not fair on your dad.

not being flippant Rach. 

YOu guys are just saying out loud all the things in my head.

I don't think she realises that Dad will not be allowed to drive for a few weeks so if she wants to do anything she's going to ahve to drive.

I don't know what she's scared of if i knew that I think i might be a little more compassionate about things.  However i don't understand if it was an afraid of the dark or motorways fine i could deal with it.

Rach1234:

i didn't mean to be flippent, reading it back it could have come out that way.  what is she scared of?

she sounds like my mil.   I think you have to lay it on the line for her, if she wants to see her husband in hospital, then she gets in the car and drives herself there or forks out for a taxi.  its not fair on you or E and its not fair on your dad.

WR1234S

Not the same situation as such, but my parents sound scarily similar to yours, so you have my complete sympathy. I'm an only child, and when the s**t hits the fan, guess who has to clean it up. Something happened with my mum a few years ago (long story, not relevant, mental health related), and my dad went into complete head in sand mode. I live 2 hours away, dropped everything and ended up there for 3 weeks, on my own as H had to come back home for work etc. I'm not sure who was harder to look after, my mum or him(dad). Spoiled brat are the words that spring to mind.
Its so so hard when you're put in that situation. You end up parenting them, and that throws you. How are you supposed to help them when they won't help themselves?

As far as I can see, you've given her all the options, so its up to her to suck it up and deal with it. You have your own life, priorities and crap to deal with without having all this on top. Put yourself, Eleanor and your baby first. You have to.

I really really wish there was something I could do you help you. An internet wierdy is a start at least. x

how old is little sis? Cant your mum drive with her in the car so she's not on her own - gradually she may get more confidence?

apart from that what everyone else said! you need to put youself  and your family first, you are gonna have to put you foot down mrs! - what will happen if the docs say ur dad isnt allowed to drive?

if she doesnt like that idea she can blooming well fork out for a taxi!

I agree with what other people are saying so won't repeat it, but

I know that in some areas there are volunteers who drive people to their hospital and clinic appointments - they probably fall under the Community Transport banner. Can you have a hunt about online, or on local health / volunteer websites and see if that's possible? They may not agree under the circumstances but it's worth a look I suppose?

Haven't completely followed what is going on with your dad, but it sounds like this may herald the start of a significant life change for your mum - at least for a period of time she's going to have to drive and look after herself even when he is back from hospital.

Therefore, I would stand quite firm on this. I would actually explain to her that things are changing with regard to her circumstances and suggest that you put your heads together to find a solution (knowing in your own mind that this solution is her taking more initiative!) Tell it like it is, as you've explained it her. Offer her the two realistic solutions: taxi or public transport (or not seeing him?)

If she doesn't accept either of these, and she probably won't, you can make it clear the ball's in her court to find another solution and leave it at that.

I suspect you'll be here again, and again, though, trying to stand firm on this boundary. Remember she can do it. Suggest viable options that do not require you to drive round the country like a mad thing. Leave the ball in her court to decide what to do.

And also, to me this sounds like a problem of accepting and coming to terms with some new (ish) realities - your dad's frailty, her own frailties (which she wants covered up by helpful enighbours stepping in) and the fact that her daughters have lives and families of their own. I'd recommend some gently counselling .. if she'd go for it. Again, with all these things you can lead a horse to water but ..  best of luck with the rest!

thanks everyone.

It's now the NHS's fault!  SOunds like she's had a pop at the nursing staff down the phone about how they're inconveniencing her - like they want to keep him any longer than they have to.

My sister lives in essex and has a driving licence but hasn't driven since she was 18 so for 10 years - in fact she's no better than my mum on that one.  She's quite happy to be driven around!  She doesn't have children but does have her own life.  However because she works in London it's easy for her she just popped to the JR on the train for a couple of hours.

I hope that she gets her act tomorrow.  I can't deal with it any more.  I will go down at the weekend but with Mr S and ELeanor as it's Eleanor's birthday on saturday!

thanks everyone your words have wisdom as ever have confirmed that I am doing the right thing.

Thank you v much.