Some advice if you please (X-Posted)

I've just received an email from my mum and I am actually shaking I am so angry. This could be long sorry.

"I was concerned about the last text you sent me as well as your behaviour on the day we visited you.

 Y & B were looking forward to seeing you all, but when we arrived, within the first few minutes they felt uncomfortable and unwelcome.  You didn't even get up off the floor to greet them or even offer them a cup of tea, they understood that (DS) was upset but you could of asked me to put the kettle on.  Later, when B said he was hungry and I asked if there was anything we could have to keep us going, you said NO, you don't treat people like that unless you don't want them there, which is what they felt,  you made them feel unwelcome.  Things did improve later but when we left you didn't even say have a nice trip.  I was fully intending to do your ironing, but after the way you treated us there was no way I was going to stand there for 2 hours ironing, I was embarrassed about your behaviour.

Over the last 2 years, when I visit you I feel like I am walking on egg shells, on the one side I am looking forward to seeing you and (DS), but on the other I am dreading it as I often feel you don't really want me there.  Obviously, I want to be there for you and help you by doing some ironing or polishing etc. especially while you are pregnant and I know you need the extra help, however, I would like to be shown the respect I deserve, quite frankly you give me the impression you are ashamed of me.

I'm hoping in the near future we can talk about where we feel our relationship is going, its extremely important for me to have a strong and loving relationship with you and my grand children.  Perhaps, when Y and B have gone home you and (DS) could come over and we  could take him to the Wildlife Park just down the road.

I hope to hear from you soon, give (DS) a hug from me."

Last week, my mum, my aunt and her husband came over to see us for the day.  It was a complete nightmare.  Originally we were all going to go out for lunch, then they said they didn't want to but wanted to come here for 1pm.  So I told them to come after lunch if we weren't going out as I didn't want to have to cook for them twice.  I am nearly 7 months pregnant with PIH and am supposed to be "resting".

My son is 2.5 and has speech and language delay and social development problems, my aunt was pre-warned about this and was told not to approach my son until he'd got used to them a bit.  He hasn't seen them since he was 5 months old.  He doesn't like strangers so when they all trouped in and bent over him asking why he wouldn't say hello he screamed.  He screamed hysterically for over half an hour, during which time I sat with him trying to calm him down. Mum made some tea for them as I was otherwise occupied.  None for me though as I remember. 

Later on, we went in the pool as it was a hot day.  My uncle announced he was hungry and my mum asked if they could have something to eat.  I originally said 'no and that dinner would be at 6.30pm' as a joke.  Then got mum to get some ice creams out of the freezer.  At that time I was on my own in the pool with a 2.5 year old, who I could hardly leave on his own to wait on them all.

I cooked dinner, I spent 2 hours in the kitchen cooking, no-one offered to help and as soon as they'd finished they wanted to leave as they were going on a road trip the following day and wanted to pack.  I can't believe that I'm being criticised for not waiting on them decently enough.  Mum had a face on and was stroppy all day, now I know why.

I shouldn't be surprised really as when DS was 5 months old we went to her birthday party, she was very drunk and was practically throwing him around showing him off to her friends, H said "Be careful you don't drop him" and she didn't speak to us for 6 weeks as we were rude to her!  Historically she has always liked to play the victim and manages to blame everyone else for all that is ill in her life. 

I am tired of this and I'm not sure what to reply.  I believe she thinks I will beg and grovel for forgiveness as I need her to look after DS when I go into labour with #2.  Hell will freeze over 1st.

Any advice greatly appreciated.  I'll take some deep breaths now!

Wow, do we share the same parents!! I have had several of these letters and so know how you are feeling.

After spending years trying to 'repair' the damage they thought I had caused which was passively aggressively highlighted in horrible letters, I have now decided that its their problem not mine!! I will NEVER be the daughter they want me to be and they will never be the parents I want, whilst i was prepared to accept them as they are, they clearly want me to be what they want me to be. So I have decided that the next time I recieve a letter like yours will be the last and I will not repair and try to do as they want, which will I know end our fragile relationship once and for all.

So back to you, what your mum has written is classically passive aggressive!! and centres around her and her needs not being met by you (her belief not your reality) She is almost holding the help she could offer you to ransom, ie- I will do x, y and Z if you do a,b,c, she acknowledges you need help but is putting massive conditions on what you are to do for the help.

Your mum, aunt/uncle are GUESTS at your home, how you treat your guests in your home is YOUR buisness, she may not like it but its your home.

I would send a short reply saying that her interpretation of the day is not yours, you will discuss in person but not in email.

Then have her round for coffee, and ask her with the email to take you through each point and tell her how it was for you, she needs perspective on this as she is trying to be very very controlling and put conditions onto your relationship.

Sending a massive hug, try to remember that this is about her and her needs, you have done nothing wrong. xx