Anybody know Nick......

Daktari is seeing me at ten past four. 

Will doubtless be equipped with pills of various hues and functions, which will do all the right chemical things.... But for some reason always bring to mind the smiling face of a doll. 

Then the counselling....  That's going to be bloody difficult, I'm an irascible bastard at the best of times, right now I could wish you dead for looking sideways at me.  Meh!

There are times when being spiritual would be a positive advantage, the paradox being that it's the fact that I'd only consider spirituality as a positive when I require it as a crutch that makes me realise that ultimately it's faff all... For me at least.

I've painted myself into a corner, that's me, I, nobody else involved.  Just me.  Can't get out of it.  Not really sure that the desire is there to be out of it.  It's an absolutely shit place to be... But it's mine.

I am 40 at the end of this year, there'll be no party.  There's nothing to celebrate but the passing of another year and the memory of the last one.  There's nothing to show. No legacy, No mark, No impression.  Just piles of boxes, reams of paper and memories. 

I have done good things, I know I have.   I can see the results of some of them around me everyday and.... It's evidence of my exceptionally selfish outlook that I feel often insanely jealous of the fact that those things have contributed in a small way to other people having the kind of life that it is I want for myself.  I still feel proud of them and I am happy for anything I could do to 'along the way'... But, know what?  It's just not enough.

Although one...err.. happystance from the whole musing operation is realising that suicide is not an answer to any of my issues.  It's either a pointless end to an ultimately pointless being or, if there does happen to be an afterlife of any sort.. A further complication.  Old Yeller will not be waiting for me on the other side, largely because I have never owned a dog.

I believe that may be enough catharsis for the moment. Thanks again for your wishes.

Nick, I know that voice and I know those thoughts.  And it's the illness talking, even though it feels more real than anything else in the world, even though it's telling you that everyone else on the planet is a mug for not realising it all.

Go see the doc.  Play nicely with the counsellors and don't do what intelligent, depressed people (particularly men) so often do and run rings around them.  Let yourself get better 'cos you know, it's not actually so bad out here in the sun.

I am another currently being seen by the headmenders, and I completely relate to where you are coming from. I have a blog that gives more info if you're interested (ignore the girly knitting stuff, if you will: www.knittedbacktogether.typepad.com)

Anyway, you're not alone. And you're not pointless. There are a lot of people of here who care about you at least

What they said really.  I'm another one battling the demons (in my head and one ones at the hospital).

If wish I could just give you a hug and make it better.

That went unswimmingly.  At least from the "do something today" POV.

Doc I saw is unconvinced that I'm suffering clinical depression. But rather some other 'mood disorder'. I have to do tick box things, I hate tick box things, because you always end up contracdicting yourself when giving yes/no answers to questions that don't have black and white answers.

He's given me citalopram which are A.  Another SSRI, both of my last consultations suggested that they didn't agree with/help me.  & B. They're not as pretty as fluoxetine.

I did get warned this might happen....

No advice, just lots of hugs. I remember that "what a waste of time" feeling after every doctor/psych appt I had. I'm back at the docs tomorrow 10am and not even getting my hopes up.

Stupid brains, eh

Oh Nick.  You sound like me, you unlucky bugger (though I have been labeled with some sort of 'Impulsive obsessive disorder' now but what do they know anyway, they were talking about sociopathic tendancies the week before.)

I know what you mean about Citalopram being not as pretty.  I liked the comforting Fluoxetine tablets and the Citalopram ones are just so...  ...unfriendly.  They didn't help me and they changed me to something else now.  I get the impression it's trial and error a lot of the time.

All you can do is your best.  Give it a shot and I hope it helps you.

Lots of

oh Nick, I'm so sorry.

When a dear family member of mine (also male, childless, never married, but in his 60s) got depression last year, he told me that all he could think about were all the mistakes he'd made in his life, and everything that had gone wrong, all the decisions he'd taken which in retrospect were the wrong ones. That's the black dog for you - those rose coloured specs you hear about - it's the opposite here, but they're grey. You don't know you're wearing them, you don't really believe you're ill, in fact it's just the opposite. When i was depressed I felt that only I had the clarity of thought to realise that I was ***, the world was ***, and everyone else was just faking it. I wanted to shake them and tell them they were fools. Like The Matrix but sadly lacking Keanu Reeves. They had NO IDEA of the hell that they were living it and only I could see it.

I was wrong of course, but I only realise this in retrospect. Sometimes when I'm reading about children dying and old people being neglected and people living on the streets, I get a glimmer of that hopelessness and despair and it frightens me.

But take the drugs please. You just have to suspend disbelief. Pretend you trust the medics to make the right decisions for you. Pretend you agree that you're ill and that you need their help. If you pretend enough it comes true.

Take care. x

Sorry to hear that life ain't great right now.  Plenty of us here to listen if ever you feel able to talk about things.

  With me, it's not so much the mistakes I've made.... And there are a list.  It's the not having been good enough. 

The things I've tried to do and failed at, because I didn't work hard enough, just wasn't up to the mark, or otherwise let myself down.

None of these areas are likely to improve with age.

Yes they can....huge story which I am not happy to chat on here about, but you can deal with past demons and the fact you always feel that you are the bad one/useless one or as my father said "he knew I was evil the day I was born" (Irish catholic, pregnant at 16 etc).

I was 40 in june and it brought back lots I wasn't or hadn't dealt with, life does sort itself out with or without therapy/hospital stays etc. I am happier now as a person than I ever have been since I was a child as I now love me and sod the rest of them

Give me a shout if you ever need a slightly mad ex-irish, ex-ish catholic person to talk too, one day you will learn that you is good enough, Jo xx

Nick, I'm so sorry you are going through this

My only two pieces of advice would be a) always be honest with those working to try and help you, and b) keep talking (especially on here if it helps you)

Take care x

Hi Nick,

I don't really post on hitched very often any more, I do read a lot though and you've always struck me as someone with a lot of spirit, very intelligent and you seem to have a good sense of humour.  I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel good enough and you're going through such a dark time.

Like someone else said, we've all spent a bit of time on the loony bench (some more than others!) and it's a shitty place to be.

Are you getting regular contact with the crisis team or someone from the community mental health team?  I've found both teams in my area to be very helpful (even if there are certain people I didn't get on with, as a whole the service was pretty good).  

When I first had my breakdown last year, I kept an activity diary - in one hour slots I recorded what I did and next to it I gave it a score from 0-5 for pleasure and 0-5 for achievement.   The idea was to maintain some balance between both types of activity and try with small baby steps to build it up.    You might find this a helpful exercise.  At first my diary was pretty much 0 for everything..... laying in bed staring into space was my main activity.    Slowly my activity levels increase as did my pleasure and achievment rating.

Other things I was told to do to help (which did) were to eat meals regularly and try not to sleep during the day.   This took weeks, but I really did notice the difference.  

If you have an opportunity to get some kind of CBT to help learn to challenge your negative thoughts (particularly the "I'm not good enough" thoughts) then I would thoroughly recommend it.    It's hard work to change your way of thinking, but has very obvious benefits/rewards.

It terms of the thing about having a "mood disorder" - did your psych specify any more about this?  i.e. is it a purely depressive disorder or something on the  bipolar disorder spectrum (e.g bipolar/cyclothymia)?    I have Bipolar I so if you get diagnosed with something on the bipolar spectrum then I can give you some links and book recommendations.    

Take things slowly and please take care of yourself.

Sam

Ooh thanks again everyone. 

I am, umm, exhausted.  But unwilling to sleep 'cos I'm feeling vaguely chipper this evening and have no idea why, nor how long it's likely to last and I intend to make the most of it.

Nick im sorry you are feeling like this we are all here when you need us and there are us Belfast'ers here too, you just need to give us a shout