My marriage is falling apart

its our first wedding anniversary on Monday.

i dont really know where to start to be honest.  My H is 6 years younger than me, i am 30. he moved to live with me about an hour and a half away from his family about 3 years ago and obviously we got married last year. All of a sudden he has said he doesnt know what he wants anymore. He is currently out of work, so has been sat at home all day bored, while i have been working. He is saying he feels he has missed out on going out with his mates and having lads holidays etc. He was in the army when i met him so had a more rigid lifestyle obviously, but used to come back to our house at weekends.

he left me a week ago to stay with his parents for a few days. i was gutted and totally inconsolable. I cried for days. he came back after 4 days saying he really wanted to make a go of things and said he would take me out for a 'date' and we would have a laugh etc. we didnt. it was awkward and totally uncomfortable. i felt like i didnt know what to say to him. he said he felt the same. we rushed through the food and came home. we had a long chat about us. we talked about the fact we rarely get intimate. we have sex, but... well you know what i mean. i admitted i feel uncomfortable as i am overweight and i dont feel attraxctive and so that doesnt help with the intimacy. Sorry if TMI!!

he stayed for a few days, but things were strained. He had arranged to go to his parents last weekend, as it was his birthday last week, and he had arranged to go out with old mates all weekend. he was meant to come back today. He called me to say he didnt feel ready and will come back tomorrow instead.

all he has done when he is at his mums, is go out with his mates. He doesnt drink, so he isnt getting drunk, but he is effectively living a singles lifestyle while i am sitting here feeling my whole life is falling apart.

i dont know what to do. i want us both to be happy, i have offered to move house nearer to his family, but he just keeps saying he doesnt know what he wants.

sorry to go on, this has turned out a lot longer than i expected, i just needed to offload.

What an awful situation, being in limbo.

Don't really know what to say except I hope your H is doing some serious thinking.

I hope things work out

Strangely we were discussing at work about how difficult people find it to adapt when coming out of the forces? Has he been out long? As he had another job since he left, and if so how long has he been out of work?

Thanks Maxi - yes all in limbo is the problem i think.

NN - he came out in Feb 2008. He has been sub-contracting on and off since then but work has been slow this year. when he has worked it has mostly been down south, we live in yorkshire, so he has been staying away all week and coming back at weekends etc.

Could it be the situation rather than the relationship that's the problem?

That said, I don't know the cure for that either.

After a life in the forces, being out of work must be a huge shock. Even being IN work, life outside that environment would be odd without that structure. He will naturally feel a bit out of sorts. Doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with obviously.

Can't he go out with his mates AND be married? We still go out with our friends and always have. You can be married and still have a life.

I found the first few years of marriage very hard, and am still not sure it's for me after 5 years, but we're muddling along! Sorry, had a few wines.

probably NN.

Doughnut - yes of course he can go out with mates. he just never has. he hasnt seen these particular mates for the nearly 4 years we have been together. None of them came to our wedding, and i havent heard of half of them, ever. i said to him that if he wanted to have even every other weekend down at his parents so he could go out, that would be fine, but he says its too far to go. so that makes me think he is just making excuses.

Sorry, I hadn't appreciated the distance involved with the mates and going out. I hope my post didn't sound harsh; it wasn't meant to at all.

I hope things work out for you

no Doughnut it wasnt harsh at all.

i just feel so up in the air with it all. He is at his parents having a good old time with his mates, while i am sat in our house, surrounded by his things, photos of us and the bloody dog whining everytime she hears a car as she thinks its him coming home, and i just want to scream.

Claires no advice but hope it is ok to give you a hug

For what it's worth my first marriage year wasn't that great and we split temporarily at about 14 months. They say it is the hardest year, I can vouch it really was.

I think either he needs to make a decision about what he wants and work at it, or sadly you are going to have to decide what you want to do. Is there anyone you can go and see/chat with/down a large glass of wine with? If you are down south I have small but usually padded shoulders!

x

I have no practical advice to add I'm afraid but just wanted to say that I hope things work out for you both

Kazmerelda:

Claires no advice but hope it is ok to give you a hug

For what it's worth my first marriage year wasn't that great and we split temporarily at about 14 months. They say it is the hardest year, I can vouch it really was.

I think either he needs to make a decision about what he wants and work at it, or sadly you are going to have to decide what you want to do. Is there anyone you can go and see/chat with/down a large glass of wine with? If you are down south I have small but usually padded shoulders!

x

thanks for the hug. i am ooop north though.  i dont really have anyone to talk to. all my mates are married with young kids and i dont really want to burden them  My h thinks i have loads of work mates, but they really are work aquaintences, no one i really confide in. i havent really told my parents what sgoing on. i said we were having problerms, but made out it was both of us, not just him, as i dont want them to think badly of him.   i have a hitched buddy, who i text and email who has been a god send and i love her to bits but she is miles away. (sorry for being fluffy but you know who you are  x )  i think thats half the problem really, i dont have anyone to offload to.

thanks KT - long time no see.

Poor you, that's hard. First thing though you won't be burdening people if they care about you....

I think sometimes offloading to an place like this might help. I really feel for you.

when are you next seeing/speaking to your H? Sorry if I don't reply tonight I will be going to bed soon but I will look out for you tomomorrow x

Thanks Kaz.

i am expecting to hear from him this morning, to tell me if he is coming back today.