What's your funniest childbirth memory?

H and Lesley our doula were discussing the full moon outside and whether the baby would be born with horns.  5 minutes later when the midwife told me the head was out I muttered " and I can feel the f***ing horns".   First birth was generally not funny but the G&A did make me wonder out loud is the midwife had had a boob job and H had to shut me up.

Thing 2 was over in much of a flash, but a few moments stick out from Thing 1:

She came 10 days early, and I'd fully expected to go 2 weeks over, so for the first few hours, we were in denial about being in labour, calling my Mum & H's sister (who was due to come over for lunch) who both firmly stated I was in false labour.  1 hour later I was in hospital, and an hour after that, she was born.

Arriving at the hospital, having called first and been assured there was room, and being asked to wait in the waiting room.  I was on my hands and knees having nearly constant contractions, punching the chairs, while H was arguing with the midwives who didn't have a suite available.  I saw 2 women wandering around the ward, and shouted to H "THOSE women are NOT in labour.  Get them out of here, and give me their f**king room".  I was 9 cm when admitted...

I love these!

I'd had so much G&A that I hadn't realised the birthing ball in the corner wasn't fully inflated - so when I sat on it, H said he came back into the room and all he could see were my feet in the air and chuckling from me.

H sweats quite a lot at the best of times, so in the delivery suit he was boiling. I told him to open the cupboard next to the bed as there were some maternity pads that might help - which he duly got out and stuck under his arms!

I was anoyed with him as he had to shave my nether regions so they could do the section (him or the MW), and it took him so long (I thought unnecessarily) because he was making it perfect ??!! Like anyone was going to really care. It took him so long that I forgot to take off my socks and for some reason no one else took them off either when in surgery and I still had them on the next morning as I wasn't able to take them off due to the epidural. I was naked on the operating table, apart from socks and it really bothered me!

On arrival in the delivery suit the MW asked for a pee sample. I went off and came back with my plug which I thought was funny, but the MW didn't.

I didn't get to use G&A but I was so well prepared for an emergency section by JK and PL - and so sleep deprived - that I did ask the theatre nurse very deliberately if the thing she'd just stuck on was the diathermy pad. She looked bemused

Natbag, I told the midwife I was going home too!

A RL friend had a great story. Her H is called Shaun.  When she got to the pushing stage, the midwife kept saying 'push on' but G&A meant what she heard was 'poor shaun'  she got quite angry that they were giving her H all the sympathy when she was the one pushing!

Lovely lovely gas and air Just a couple of my many mad moments on G&A included:

Repeatedly asking ppl what car they drove, and berating them if it wasn't a ford (H and I belong to a classic ford geeky club thing

Sang the refrain from Marilyn Manson's mobscene over and over again.

After a particularly good tonk on the G&A telling the student MW "If i'd know about this stuff in college i wouldn't have wasted all that money on wacky backy"   Then telling her to stay off drugs or she'd get nowhere in life

I tore when having Jack, and when it came to stitching me my MW wasn't confident she could do it (apparently whilst it wasn't too *bad* it was in an unusual position, and there was a fair few internal stitches).  She called in the doc who then said SHE couldn't do it.  SO after a few mins faffing they got the senior MW of the MLU to come in - complete with a whole crowd of students to all see this unusual tear (fair enough as they need to learn on something ).   They were keen to get me stitched ASAP as i was bleeding quite profusely, and so rather than numb me they gave me the G&A back.   Whilst giving the students a running commentary on what she was doing, the MW said "and obviously with the nature of vaginal stitches, you don't need to be *too* tidy", i was mid toot on the g&a, and too J's horror sat bolt upright, pulled the tube out of my mouth and roared at her "You've been bigged up as the best there is in here, so don't you fcuking DARE make me look like a patchwork quilt!!", lay back down and carried on puffing.

After my horrendous experience with Oscar, I think Karma came into play, and I had a fantastic birthing experience with Sadie - one of the best days of my life.

My waters had broken 4 weeks early, so I was admitted to ante-natal, and was sharing the bay with my NCT friend who was in being induced.

I'd sent MrQ to the car for my birthing ball, as I'd started contracting. Whilst he was gone the lunch trays arrived. I was carrying mine to the table to eat with my NCT buddy, when my waters gushed again. Cue NCT friend and husband doubling over with laughter, me having to sit on the floor in hysterics,  in a puddle of fluid, still holding lunch tray,  NCT friend was demanding her husband 'help me', whilst he flapped about asking what he was supposed to do.

Then, when I was 3cm dilated I tried arguing for a waterbirth, but as S was prem we compromised on a bath, on the proviso that I got out before the contractions got really bad (?!) So I spent a whole 15 mins in the bath, before demanding to be taken to the delivery suite. MrQ thought I was being a drama queen, but duly tried wrapping a towel round me so we could walk up the corridor. However I was demanding he put my knickers on, as I couldn't possibly walk past NCT friend and husband with no knickers on.  It took FOREVER to get them on as we kept having to wait for contractions to pass before I could lift my leg up.  (I was fully dilated by the time I got to delivery suite, so not a drama queen at all!)

Oh, one final one - as I was pushing I apparently yelled that it was "either a really big poo, or the baby is almost out'

Majix, I like yours the best!  Possibly because mine's in the same vein...

I didn't want G&A in labour (and in retrospect, am sure I made the right decision) but I decided to give it a go for the stitches.  The midwife got started and said to a colleague "it's a bit of a dog's dinner down here".  To which I laughed (no sh*t!) and said "I think this is why it's called laughing gas - you've just called my undercarriage a dog's dinner and I think that's funny" (and started cackling like a hyena)

She apologised for forgetting that G&A can lead to heightened hearing... didn't apologise for the actual comment though!  I'd had a baby though, so I didn't care

These are very funny! 

Whilst I was being stitched up after the birth I said "how long are you going to be down there ... it feels like you're doing a blooming tapestry!".  My sister found it hilarious.  The midwife didn't. 

After 27 hours of labour, G&A and pethidine I had an epidural  - once it was working I phoned my mum to apologise for hurting her when i was born!  She told me not to be such a daft cow.

These are so funny!

MarineGirl:

Majix, I like yours the best!  Possibly because mine's in the same vein...

I didn't want G&A in labour (and in retrospect, am sure I made the right decision) but I decided to give it a go for the stitches.  The midwife got started and said to a colleague "it's a bit of a dog's dinner down here".  To which I laughed (no sh*t!) and said "I think this is why it's called laughing gas - you've just called my undercarriage a dog's dinner and I think that's funny" (and started cackling like a hyena)

She apologised for forgetting that G&A can lead to heightened hearing... didn't apologise for the actual comment though!  I'd had a baby though, so I didn't care

Oh my lord i've just SNORTED with laughter at that MG.   I've just told Mr M about this thread, and he's just reminded me that  whilst I was pushing I told his aunty (who was my other birthing partner) "if i poo myself in public because of what HE's done to me ( *cue dramatic glares at Mr M*) he can bloody well move into the spare room!"

Waaah, these are great.

I didn't get G&A, but the midwives sent me out to get some lunch and have a walk around as my contractions had died off during the taxi ride to the hospital.  My OH is a caffeine addict.  As we were walking around Russell Square he noticed the cafe in the opposite corner and nipped off, leaving me walking.  A mother of a contraction hit, I was leaning against a tree for support moaning quietly to myself when a lovely couple came up to me to check I was ok.  The conversation went something like:

Them "oh my God, are you ok, can we help?"

Me: "Thanks....I'm fine...I'm just in early...labour...having a...contraction...really, s'ok"

Them: "are you alone?"

Me: "No...my husband...is getting.....an Americano..."

Them: "An Americano?!?!"

Me: "Yes, he says lattes get cold too....quickly...."

Janner:

Waaah, these are great.

I didn't get G&A, but the midwives sent me out to get some lunch and have a walk around as my contractions had died off during the taxi ride to the hospital.  My OH is a caffeine addict.  As we were walking around Russell Square he noticed the cafe in the opposite corner and nipped off, leaving me walking.  A mother of a contraction hit, I was leaning against a tree for support moaning quietly to myself when a lovely couple came up to me to check I was ok.  The conversation went something like:

Them "oh my God, are you ok, can we help?"

Me: "Thanks....I'm fine...I'm just in early...labour...having a...contraction...really, s'ok"

Them: "are you alone?"

Me: "No...my husband...is getting.....an Americano..."

Them: "An Americano?!?!"

Me: "Yes, he says lattes get cold too....quickly...."

Janner:

Waaah, these are great.

I didn't get G&A, but the midwives sent me out to get some lunch and have a walk around as my contractions had died off during the taxi ride to the hospital.  My OH is a caffeine addict.  As we were walking around Russell Square he noticed the cafe in the opposite corner and nipped off, leaving me walking.  A mother of a contraction hit, I was leaning against a tree for support moaning quietly to myself when a lovely couple came up to me to check I was ok.  The conversation went something like:

Them "oh my God, are you ok, can we help?"

Me: "Thanks....I'm fine...I'm just in early...labour...having a...contraction...really, s'ok"

Them: "are you alone?"

Me: "No...my husband...is getting.....an Americano..."

Them: "An Americano?!?!"

Me: "Yes, he says lattes get cold too....quickly...."

I think i've just done a little wee! 

I'm also loving the blusher one