Tell me your favourite joke

Sophie, that made me guffaw. I shall be repeating that somewhere near here soon.

I like

"Why did the banana go to the Doctors?"

"Because he didn't peel very well" (courtesy of Rache's John)

And

Two nuns are driving down the road.

A vampire lands on the bonnet.

One nun says gasps, and says to the other  "show him your cross".

The other nun shouts angrily at the vampire "oi, get off the bloody bonnet right now, you cheeky blighter"

(The second joke was rendered much much funnier by my crap-at-telling-jokes Mum, who revved herself up, and delivered the third line as "One nun says gasps, and says to the other  "show him your angry", carrying on until the end, and then muttering "no that's not right is it?" as we all fell about.......)

JK:

(The second joke was rendered much much funnier by my crap-at-telling-jokes Mum, who revved herself up, and delivered the third line as "One nun says gasps, and says to the other  "show him your angry", carrying on until the end, and then muttering "no that's not right is it?" as we all fell about.......)

I love it when pretty crappy jokes are made much funnier through incompetent telling - I shared an open-plan office with someone who was a little overfond of Irish jokes, and when he had visitors he tried telling a joke he'd already told us the previous week, namely "What do you call an Irish bush?"

The correct answer is "a thicket", but instead he said "a coppice", and was greeted by general bafflement. 

And it took ages for the penny to drop that he'd basically fucked up the punchline beyond repair, which led to much silent hilarity as those of the rest of us who'd twigged exactly what had happened struggled to keep a straight face.

JK:

 Two nuns are driving down the road.

A vampire lands on the bonnet.

One nun says gasps, and says to the other  "show him your cross".

The other nun shouts angrily at the vampire "oi, get off the bloody bonnet right now, you cheeky blighter"

 (The second joke was rendered much much funnier by my crap-at-telling-jokes Mum, who revved herself up, and delivered the third line as "One nun says gasps, and says to the other  "show him your angry", carrying on until the end, and then muttering "no that's not right is it?" as we all fell about.......)

 

Tears splashing on keyboard, snot on screen.  That is fabulous

That reminds me of a friend at university who spent ages saying to everyone, "What's the difference between sex and anal sex?  Having sex makes your day, having anal sex makes your entire week!"  

Knownowt:

tiny_mce_markerThat reminds me of a friend at university who spent ages saying to everyone, "What's the difference between sex and anal sex?  Having sex makes your day, having anal sex makes your entire week!"  

Waah it took me a minute to get that!

I could do with a new one too as I've been using this for years but here goes:

There are 2 parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other "can you smell fish?"

This is my favourite:

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says "I am the hardest tarmac around, you wont find any tarmac around that's harder than me. Now get me a drink and I wont cause any trouble". The barman duly complies, and the tarmac sits there drinking his pint. A little while later, a green piece of tarmac walks into the bar, goes up to the barman and says "I am the hardest tarmac around, you wont find any tarmac around that's harder than me. Now get me a drink and I wont cause any trouble". The barman takes a look at him and thinks he might be quite mean, so hands him his pint. The green tarmac and black tarmac then sit there with each other arguing about who is the hardest. A few minutes later, a red piece of tarmac walks into the bar, goes up to the barman and asks for a pint. The barman turns to where the black and green pieces of tarmac were sitting, and is amazed to see they have disappeared, and are now cowering in the corner. "Hey!" says the barman. "I thought you two were the hardest pieces of tarmac around - what gives?". "Oh yes", they say. "But him, he's a cycle path".

 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
> wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
> heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
> procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
> partial sponge bath.
> Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
> testicles black?'
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
> Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
> He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
> black?'
> Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
> about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
> and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
> She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
> his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
> around.
> Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
> nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
> says very slowly,
> 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
> very, very closely......
>
>
> ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '

Man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

This one has been my favourtie for about 15 years.

Q.What's green with four wheels?

A. The grass.

(I was only kidding on about the wheels)

My other is

Man walks into the shop and ask for a bar of green soap. Shop assistant says sorry, we only have white soap. Manys says "Aw, it's ok hen, I've got my bike outside"

A man goes into a pub and is suprised to see a little man, about one foot tall playing the piano on the bar.

He's intrigued by this little man and asks the barman where he is from.  The barman explains that he found an old lamp in the cellar and when he rubbed it a genie appeared and offered him a wish.

The man is amazed by this and begs the barman to look at the lamp and have a wish of his own.  The barman is very reluctant but in the end hands the man the lamp with a warning to be very careful when he wishes.

The man rubs the lamp and when the genie appears, he closes his eyes and makes a wish.

Suddenly there is a whooshing sound and the bar is full of hundreds and hundreds of birds.   "What's going on!" cries the man, "I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The barman looks at the man and shakes his head sadly "I told you to be careful when you wished.  Do you think I really wanted a 12 inch pianist?"       

emma numbers:

A bit long but this is my favourite at the moment.     

 A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
      "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
      "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
      "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
     "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" 
     "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every day for two weeks.
      Then one day the circus comes to town.
      The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
      "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." 
      So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
      "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
      "At the circus," says the barman.
      "The circus?" repeats the duck.
      "That's right," replies the barman.
      "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
      "Yeah," the barman replies.
      "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck. 
      "Of course," the barman replies.
      "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.
      "That's right!" says the barman.
      The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

      .
      .

      "What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

My favourite joke ever!

I have two favourites:

Man walks into a butchers shop and says to the butcher, "Could I have a pound of kiddleys please?"

The butcher replies, "Don't you mean kidneys?"

And the man replies, "That's what I said, diddle eye??"

A nun was having a bath when there was a knock at the door. 

"Who is it" asked the nun

"It's the blind man" came the reply

"Oh that's okay then, come on in" said the nun

The door opens, in walks a man, looks the nun up and down and says "Nice tits love, now where do you want me to hang your blinds?"

The Pope is taking a walk through the Vatican gardens when he is overcome by lust and desire and realises he absolutely has to pleasure himself immediately. He hurries to a secluded gazebo and does the deed.

Just as he is reaching climax, he realises he is being watched by some tourists and one is holding a camera. Terrified, he gets himself together and approaches the tourists.

“How much for the camera?” he pants.

“$10,000,” the man replies.

“Done!” says the Pope, relieved, and after completing the deal he starts off back across the gardens carrying the camera.

Just as he’s reaching the door to his office he bumps into one of the Cardinals.

“Wow!” exclaims the Cardinal, “that’s a Canon 5D Mk II! How much did that set you back?”

Flustered, the Pope replies honestly. “$10,000.”

The Cardinal whistles. “Crikey,” he says, “they must have seen you coming!”