Do you feel under pressure?

This is probably a bit of a stupid post because, really, your life isn't mine. But I feel knackered and under so much pressure I can't see my way out of it at the moment. I need a holiday, but I can't really see a way of getting one as it's not just a holiday from work I need, its from the husband and kids too! Seriously, though I am wondering whether I am being a wimp under normal life pressure, or whether I need to do anything about it.

I feel the need to work in an interesting career that not only stimulates me and uses my professional skills but also provides long term monetary opportunities to fund the sort of lifestyle I want for me and my family.

Related to the above, I feel the need to bring in a decent wage so that I am contributing to the family finances equally (in terms of hours worked, rather than money earned)

I feel the need to be not just a good enough mother, but a brilliant, inspirational one. I fail miserably several times a day I wish I could be happy with being "good enough"

I feel the need to have tidy, well behaved children

I feel the need to have a fashionable and tidy home

I feel the need to cook healthy food from scratch

I feel the need to have lots of friends

I feel the need to be a good relative, to phone my family regularly and help them out wherever I can

I feel the need to be able to dispense interesting, topical conversation at will

I feel the need to be slim and attractive

I feel the need to have a positive, youthful outlook and not be too cynical (I often fail at this too )

I feel the need to want sex all the time

I feel the need to wear make up and be interested in fashion

I feel the need to be a good neighbour and a friendly member of our community

I feel the need to care about issues that should make me mad

I feel the need to be my husband's soul mate at all times and nothing less

I am sure I could think of many more. I am also sure that my husband has very few of the expectations above of himself. Whether this is personality, or the result of society's expectations or both, I am not sure.

The reality? I am overwrought, knackered and tetchy. I get resentful from spending the vast majority of my time sorting out things on other people's behalf. I don't always wear make up, have hairy armpits, haven't had sex in ages, am barely speaking to my husband and am deeply, deeply cynical My work is suffering, my self esteem too, my house is a tip and, bloody hell, it feels like only me is going through this

Does society expect too much of women, or do we expect too much of ourselves? Are expectation of men / husbands / fathers as extreme?

fark me sideways, Clairy, no wonder you feel under pressure.  You can't do all that, no one could do all that, not all the time. 

Clairy:

This is probably a bit of a stupid post because, really, your life isn't mine. But I feel knackered and under so much pressure I can't see my way out of it at the moment. I need a holiday, but I can't really see a way of getting one as it's not just a holiday from work I need, its from the husband and kids too! Seriously, though I am wondering whether I am being a wimp under normal life pressure, or whether I need to do anything about it.

I feel the need to work in an interesting career that not only stimulates me and uses my professional skills but also provides long term monetary opportunities to fund the sort of lifestyle I want for me and my family.

Related to the above, I feel the need to bring in a decent wage so that I am contributing to the family finances equally (in terms of hours worked, rather than money earned)

I feel the need to be not just a good enough mother, but a brilliant, inspirational one. I fail miserably several times a day I wish I could be happy with being "good enough"

I feel the need to have tidy, well behaved children

I feel the need to have a fashionable and tidy home

I feel the need to cook healthy food from scratch

I feel the need to have lots of friends

I feel the need to be a good relative, to phone my family regularly and help them out wherever I can

I feel the need to be able to dispense interesting, topical conversation at will

I feel the need to be slim and attractive

I feel the need to have a positive, youthful outlook and not be too cynical (I often fail at this too )

I feel the need to want sex all the time

I feel the need to wear make up and be interested in fashion

I feel the need to be a good neighbour and a friendly member of our community

I feel the need to care about issues that should make me mad

I feel the need to be my husband's soul mate at all times and nothing less

I am sure I could think of many more. I am also sure that my husband has very few of the expectations above of himself. Whether this is personality, or the result of society's expectations or both, I am not sure.

 

The reality? I am overwrought, knackered and tetchy. I get resentful from spending the vast majority of my time sorting out things on other people's behalf. I don't always wear make up, have hairy armpits, haven't had sex in ages, am barely speaking to my husband and am deeply, deeply cynical My work is suffering, my self esteem too, my house is a tip and, bloody hell, it feels like only me is going through this

Does society expect too much of women, or do we expect too much of ourselves? Are expectation of men / husbands / fathers as extreme?

 

 

I would answer YES to your question society does expect to much from women but i guess we are partly to blame x

I feel the same. Mostly I just tell yself I can never do it all and just be pleased with the happy life I have - but underneith there is always the feeling Im not good enough.

We dont have childern however plan to in the not too distant future and worry this will make these feelings even worse. Then like now I just tell myself to get on with it and stop worrying - I think thats all we can do however you are def not alone.

I think its ofetn ourselves that add the pressure altho we all strive to live up to the celebs etc we see.

DD xx

In answer to the question do I feel under pressure...... my answer is no. But then I dont think Ive ever really conformed and I really do not give two hoots what society or anyone thinks of me. I dont feel the need to do or be anything. I do things cos its in my nature to not because society tells me I should.

I do understand though how so may people do feel pressurised as the media and society in general tends to single out anyone outside the 'norm', the norm being what the media mainly has created which isnt sustainable. The list you have there is impossible to be, and pressure you must be under to conform to that must be immense.

Dont punish yourself for not ticking all those boxes, youre human after all!

The thing is, I "know" it's impossible to achieve all this (at least without pots of money to buy you solutions) but my emotional mind just hasn't caught up yet I still feel as though I should do all of the above, and more.

I need to give myself a break, clearly, but excatly how is elluding me right now. Not having a stroppy husband and kids who argue with everything you say would be a start <deep sigh>

Is this the basis for an article in one of your mags? or if it isn't it should be!

But yes I don't have children yet and the failure to do that is adding to the pressure.  I think women have very high expectations of themselves and are their own harshest critics.  Yet at the same time actually don't really judge each other as they think they do as I don't think any less of anyone if they are not fab at everything...

No actually, but that's a good idea, SC It's just come from a very stressful weekend when I have been choosing between nervous breakdown and afternoon vodkas However, when I did get a quiet few minutes, it did strike me as rather unfair that I instantly blame my husband and kids when, actually, most of the pressure comes from me.

However, I am not sure how H would respond to an unattractive wife who never wants sex, a messy house and unruly kids, or someone who didn't contribute to the household in a way that he wanted. Or any combination of the above.

I am not suggesting that his expectations are unfair, the jury's out on that one, but I think he does have certain unspoken expectations of what a wife should be.For example, I once told him (with irony) that I needed a wife. He replied - with no irony - that he thought that was what he was getting. What that term actually means to us both, however, has never been clearly defined.

I think we're all under pressure to some extent.  With me, not working or having children, it's pressures I put on myself - or things that I take on when I probably shouldn't.  I'm trying to look objectively at the things that are facing me and take them one at a time - concentrate on one and give it my full attention and then move onto the next - to take back control if you like.  I know that's not always possible but it's what I'm trying at the moment so I can cope.

Maybe you should get back to your list Clairy and put them in order of importance.  Could you discount the bottom two completely?  Maybe focus on the top five?  Prioritise in some way?  Or work out which ones you really responsible for and which ones you could leave to somebody else to do?

I totally agree with your list. Logically I know its not possible to do all those things, but I still keep on trying, or berating myself for not trying hard enough. But if a friend tells me they are struggling to do all those things I instantly point out how unrealistic it is. I think I expect a LOT more of myself than I expect of anyone else.

I don't expect as much from my husband as I feel he expects from me - though when he isn't working he does do a lot - but its more on his terms. So he can do the 'glory jobs' (e.g. "isn't your husband good, he washes your carpets") as and when it suits him, but its still me that has to do the day to day stuff regardless of what else is in my day (e.g. being in two places at once so can be at work and also getting child immunised). Re. sex, it must be easier being the one that wants it more often, so you don't have the guilt of not feeling up for it. I wish I had a higher libido. My husband has a more relaxed approach to most stuff. He couldn't give a toss about 5 a day or when he last phoned his mum. I can't imagine not feeling pressure.

You are not the only going through this

Clairy:

This is probably a bit of a stupid post because, really, your life isn't mine. But I feel knackered and under so much pressure I can't see my way out of it at the moment. I need a holiday, but I can't really see a way of getting one as it's not just a holiday from work I need, its from the husband and kids too! Seriously, though I am wondering whether I am being a wimp under normal life pressure, or whether I need to do anything about it.

I feel the need to work in an interesting career that not only stimulates me and uses my professional skills but also provides long term monetary opportunities to fund the sort of lifestyle I want for me and my family.

Related to the above, I feel the need to bring in a decent wage so that I am contributing to the family finances equally (in terms of hours worked, rather than money earned)

I feel the need to be not just a good enough mother, but a brilliant, inspirational one. I fail miserably several times a day I wish I could be happy with being "good enough"

I feel the need to have tidy, well behaved children

I feel the need to have a fashionable and tidy home

I feel the need to cook healthy food from scratch

I feel the need to have lots of friends

I feel the need to be a good relative, to phone my family regularly and help them out wherever I can

I feel the need to be able to dispense interesting, topical conversation at will

I feel the need to be slim and attractive

I feel the need to have a positive, youthful outlook and not be too cynical (I often fail at this too )

I feel the need to want sex all the time

I feel the need to wear make up and be interested in fashion

I feel the need to be a good neighbour and a friendly member of our community

I feel the need to care about issues that should make me mad

I feel the need to be my husband's soul mate at all times and nothing less

I am sure I could think of many more. I am also sure that my husband has very few of the expectations above of himself. Whether this is personality, or the result of society's expectations or both, I am not sure.

 

The reality? I am overwrought, knackered and tetchy. I get resentful from spending the vast majority of my time sorting out things on other people's behalf. I don't always wear make up, have hairy armpits, haven't had sex in ages, am barely speaking to my husband and am deeply, deeply cynical My work is suffering, my self esteem too, my house is a tip and, bloody hell, it feels like only me is going through this

Does society expect too much of women, or do we expect too much of ourselves? Are expectation of men / husbands / fathers as extreme?

 

 

Yes to most of your post but I can add in I feel the need to be both mother and father to my three children after throwing their alcoholic father out 8 months ago.  Due to his drinking he hasn't seen his children for one reason or another for the last 8 weeks so I have had no break other than going to work.

I am however, beginning to acknowledge that something has to give I just need to figure out what it is now and get on with it.  I suspect for me I will be one of the few single, part time working mothers in the playground with a cleaner!

Blimey Steph, I think you are incredibly brave. I think a cleaner sounds an excellent idea

This wasn't intended as a self pity post, I hope it doesn't come across that way, more a 'what do you feel is expected of you as a woman in 2009 and what to you expect of yourself?'

Clairy:

more a 'what do you feel is expected of you as a woman in 2009 and what to you expect of yourself?'

Well... I consider myself lucky in a lot of ways that I don't feel a lot of pressure in some of the areas you mention.  For example, pressure to lose weight, shave my legs, do my hair, wear make up, use clothes as anything other than a way of covering my body and keeping warm really doesn't get to me.  I wish it would sometimes, in a way I might be less of a scruff.

Similarly, pressure to have a perfect house, foreign holidays or status stuff in general doesn't really register.  If anyone thinks I'd sacrifice time with my family (or with a book, or hitched ) regularly to polish the stair rods and whitewash the front steps they can blow it out of their arse!

I do feel intense pressure academically, and I'm phenomenally competitive when I'm working.  I don't know that I'll ever stop trying to make up for my academic shortcomings earlier in my life - my A levels weren't great and I didn't get into a good university.  I feel I've been trying to catch up with where I "should" be ever since.  I think I also put a lot of pressure on myself with regard to my children - anything that isn't perfect in their lives is inherently my fault and I have to make up for it. 

I've got better in recent years.  The CBT I had for my ME really changed the way I think about things, and a cornerstone of that was banishing thoughts about myself that start with "I should be able to..."

Clairy:

Blimey Steph, I think you are incredibly brave. I think a cleaner sounds an excellent idea

This wasn't intended as a self pity post, I hope it doesn't come across that way, more a 'what do you feel is expected of you as a woman in 2009 and what to you expect of yourself?'

I think that what you've posted could sum up how a lot of the women I know feel and and wonder whether a lot of it comes from the pressure of the media as an earlier poster (sorry can't see who) say's, that we should be able to have 'it all'.

A friend of mine has some 'it', but I bet if I gave her your list she'd tick most of the things too.

I'm not brave I've got three beautiful kids and a life that gets better every day to live for, something someone else is at the moment unable to see and by the time he can it will most likely be too late.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your list of aspirations, nor do I think it's unrealistic to aim for them.  I wonder whether you would feel less pressure if you recast your aims as wishes/plans, rather than seeing them as needs.  To say "I feel the need to be X" makes anything else feel like a failure.  To say "I would like to be X" is simply the expression of a desire- something to work towards- and so when you're not being X, you haven't failed, you're simply not doing a particular thing at a particular time. 

I think this is possibly a more realistic approach. Noone can be a perfect mother all the time, for example, but your aim to be brilliant almost certainly means you're fantastic most of the time.  The instances when you're not don't mean you've failed at your overall aim- it's something to work towards, not a pass/fail test.

Does that make any sense?  I'm not sure.