Feeling totally pants about returning to work this week

Sorry this is probably going to be a selfish poor me rant!

I go back to work on Thursday and I am literally feeling like I can't do it. I have been crying this morning as its only 2 days away now and I really don't feel at all ready and really wish this wasn't happening.

I am feeling a complete mixture of emotions - guilt that I will be leaving Lily for 3 days a week, resentment that I have to go back to work at all, jealousy that most of my NCT friends still have several months off, stress that I am returning to a job that I don't really feel any motivation for anymore and one that will be pressurised with targets to be met (I would love a new job but there just doesn't seem to be anything part time around at the moment) and most of all just pure frustration that I have to go back to work at all rather than spending every day with my little girl. To make things worse, on Thursdays I have to work till 7pm so on my first day back, I won't get home until 7.30pm and Lily will already in bed.

Please tell me this will get easier and that I will cope. Right now I am feeling like I just can't do it.

Casa x

You can do it Casa and it will get much easier I promise!   It will be good for you and good for Lily and if you are anything like me you will find the time you do spend with her is extra appreciated and you will make sure it's real 'quality time'.  W was born on 30th June and I have been back at work (fullish time) since end of Jan.  Don't waste these last few days go and enjoy them

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I'm sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to give you a hug - I'm going to have to go back when my LO's 6 months old in September and I'm dreading it already!  All of my friends are taking over a year off so I know what you mean about being jealous!

Big hugs

You can do it and although it will be hard, it will get easier.  I am back to work in a few weeks and I'm not looking forward to it at all.  What was really helpful for me was that last week i saw 2 of my friends who have been back at work a few weeks.  They are really happy. 

One of them was telling me that the best thing is when she goes to pick up her little boy and she runs from the car and gets butterflies at the thought of seeing him.  She also quite likes going for a wee in peace and getting snippets of time to herself every day.

The other was saying that she's really lovng how the time she has with her daughter now is quality time.  There's less of the mundane preparing meals, feeding and nappy changing and more enjoying her daughter and playing lots.

Aww hun. It IS hard but I promise it will get easier. After I had my first, I went back to work 3 days a week. Like you I was dreading it and I was so down about it. I had actually been job hunting before we decided to ttc as I was unhappy at work and like you, the thought of going back to a job I hated filled me with dread.

But I really enjoyed my time back. I think often when you go part time you take a different perspective on work. I was very very busy but I also didn't get involved in the office politics or get stressed about things that used to stress me before. I enjoyed being myself for a few days and having a gossip whilst making a coffee and not just think about baby/child related things the whole time. I was really sad when I went on ML the second time round. I am now not going back as I actually cannot afford the childcare and I'm pretty gutted about it.

Casa, bless you.

Firstly, I just want to say that it wasnt that long ago that I could have (and possibly did) write your post. 

I felt all your emotions, guilt, envy of those of my friends and hitchers that have more time off than me, nervous about going back to the office after being off so long etc etc, but trust me when I say that although the first couple of weeks are hard (I wont lie, I almost burst into tears each time somebody asked me about Amelia at work) it does get easier, it really does.

Amelia is very settled into nursery now.  She goes 2 days a week (Mon and Tues) is with my sister on a Wednesday and me or Daddy the rest of the week.

I cant remember if you're going with a CM, family or nursery but babies are so adaptable and after a couple of weeks, she'll adjust to her new weekly routine (as will you) and you'll both be as happy as you were.

Sometimes at work I wish I was still at home with her, but I know how much fun she has at nursery (I phoned once a day for the first 3 weeks and today as she was off last week) and they're happy to talk me through her morning/afternoon etc and write it all down for me each day too, as does my sister.  They have so much fun, honestly and when she comes home at night time, she puts her arms out for me the second Daddy brings her through to me.  She has the biggest smile on her face.  I wouldnt change that for anything.  We also do lots of fun things when I have her - music class, play dates, groups etc so she's always got something to do and is happy.

If you want to talk about it, Im just an email away.

xxx

Honestly, I believe that 98% of the time the thinking about it is worse than the actual doing it.  You will get through it and, what's more, you will feel a massive sense of achievement for doing just that.  You may even find that you enjoy your non-mummy time more than you think you will.

I think it is a perfect balance to work part-time and be a part time SAHM. 

Hope it goes OK for you anyway but please don't feel any guilt about what you are doing.

x

Thanks Sam - that has helped, bless you

Can I just ask what sort of thing you get written down - Lily is going to my parents (or with H depending on his shifts). It won't always be me who picks her up though so I was thinking it would be nice to know how much she had slept, eaten, drunk etc. I know some of my friends who have babies in nurseries get little forms given to them, would that be a bit control freaky or odd to ask my parents to do that?  If you have one of the forms and could let me know whats on it that would be great. Thanks hun.

Thanks for all the other replies - I think one of the main things is that I don't work 9-5. I work as an estate agent and am doing Thurs, Fri and Sat. Thurs they open till 7pm and Friday till 6pm (plus I have about 30-40 mins travelling time on top of that) so on both those days I won't get home in time to do the bath/story/bottle/bed routine. I think it would be a lot easier for me to handle if I knew I would be home by 5.30pm and get to see her before bed but unfortunately that just doesn't work with my job as evenings are one of our busiest times.

Casablanca:

Thanks Sam - that has helped, bless you

Can I just ask what sort of thing you get written down - Lily is going to my parents (or with H depending on his shifts). It won't always be me who picks her up though so I was thinking it would be nice to know how much she had slept, eaten, drunk etc. I know some of my friends who have babies in nurseries get little forms given to them, would that be a bit control freaky or odd to ask my parents to do that?  If you have one of the forms and could let me know whats on it that would be great. Thanks hun.

Thanks for all the other replies - I think one of the main things is that I don't work 9-5. I work as an estate agent and am doing Thurs, Fri and Sat. Thurs they open till 7pm and Friday till 6pm (plus I have about 30-40 mins travelling time on top of that) so on both those days I won't get home in time to do the bath/story/bottle/bed routine. I think it would be a lot easier for me to handle if I knew I would be home by 5.30pm and get to see her before bed but unfortunately that just doesn't work with my job as evenings are one of our busiest times.

Being the sad control feak type mummy that I am, I created a little form that looks a bit like the one nursery gives us.  It has boxes for times of naps, feeds, nappy changes (and if they were wet or solid), milk times and activities.  If you email me (samanthajane81@googlemail.com) i can send you what I made and perhaps you could adapt it a little? I dont think its unreasonable to ask your parents to write things down for you.  You need to know what she's eaten/drunk and how much sleep she's had - my sister was happy to write it all down for me as does my H!  It just makes life easier for us Mums.

I appreciate you dont have a 9-5, so of course, you are feeling more anxious about things, but just think how special bedtime will be for you both now on Mon/Tues/Weds/Sun?  It will become something that Lily will look forward to, I promise.  All I would say is that if you currently do bedtime 100% of the time - ease your H in gently to your routine, so once you're at work, Lily is used to him doing it too.  My H always does Bath time each night, we share story time but I always do bottle and bed.  I was out on a work do last Thursday night and Amelia wasn't a good little girl for her Daddy and ended up in our bed all night, as this was the only way H could get her to sleep (bless him).  I didnt mind obviously, but I think he's going to start doing bedtime once or twice a week with me downstairs, or even with him, so she doesnt play up when Mummy isnt there.

I would be lying if I said it isn't going to be hard - it is but it will get better.  I went back part time when B was 3.5 months and full time at 5 months and I still cried for days before I went back full time

I was given two great pieces of advice before I went back

1. to not make any decisions about the future for a couple of months after going back - to give yourself time to get used to the way things are before deciding to give it all up, change childcare arrangements etc.  I flipflopped around decisions at first but told myself that it wasn't up for discussion until Christmas - incredibly when we got to that point, things had calmed down and I could make a more rational decision on how it was going

2. to decide what it is about being a Mummy that is totally crucial to you and then go all out to ensure you can do it.  This might be BF, bathtime so many nights a week, doing something special on your off days.  For me it was making it home for bedtime three nights a week and continuing to BF exclusively until I would have if I had been at home - I tried really hard to keep these and to let other things go by the board.  I hate that I don't know what B wears every day and that her nanny dresses her in things that quite frankly make my eyes bleed BUT it doesn't matter - I get to cuddle her at bedtime the majority of nights and I'd rather do that than spend the time sorting out clothes

Also if you can afford it get some help so you don't spend all your off time doing chores and so you can enjoy your time together - we have a cleaner which means I don't have to worry about the heavy cleaning or bathrooms (hurray !) and I've just discovered an ironing service that will take things away and bring them back the next day for when the ironing mountain just gets too much

Good luck - it does get better

No practical advice I'm afraid because I know exactly how you are feeling. I go back tomorrow (Wed) after a year off, I'm dreading it. My H will be having the baby though cos I only work evenings and weekends, but it will still be 2 to 4 evenings a week she will be going to bed without me being here. All the best - will be thinking of you. x

Sam, YHM - thanks, you are a star!

She goes down fine for my H - he puts her to bed fairly regularly. My parents had her last Thursday as we were at a wedding and thankfully she went down fine for them too (which is a blessing as on certain weeks when H works late they will have to bring her here and put her to bed).

Feeling a bit better now. My H has phoned (when he left me this morning I was sobbing) and said that if I went back and it was really as bad as I was expecting after I had given it a few weeks then I could leave and we would muddle through somehow. Which is lovely of him to say (although I am sure he is thinking it won't ever come to that!).

Casablanca:

Sam, YHM - thanks, you are a star!

She goes down fine for my H - he puts her to bed fairly regularly. My parents had her last Thursday as we were at a wedding and thankfully she went down fine for them too (which is a blessing as on certain weeks when H works late they will have to bring her here and put her to bed).

Feeling a bit better now. My H has phoned (when he left me this morning I was sobbing) and said that if I went back and it was really as bad as I was expecting after I had given it a few weeks then I could leave and we would muddle through somehow. Which is lovely of him to say (although I am sure he is thinking it won't ever come to that!).

YHM back. :)

As TWR says, give it a few weeks before you make any decisions about changing your decisions.  I didnt like one of the girls in A's baby group (3 girls look after 7 babies I think) and I looked at other nurseries because of it (this is teh short version of the issue!) but after a long chat with her manager and understanding things better, she's turned over a new leaf and ~Amelia loves her almost as much as her key worker, so Im glad I didnt change things. x

WES but I would especially echo what TWR said about not making any decision within the first couple of months.  I really started panicking when I started back, felt I was failing at my job and failing as a mother and doing everything badly.  It really did get better very quickly though so I am glad I didn't give in to my temptation to resign in those first few weeks.

Hope it isn't too bad for you