Changing your personality

I think others are saying what I would say too but much more eloquently. I have read some of the things you have been through you have had a blooming tough year, not surprised you feel like you do.

I can sympathise though with the feeling used by people. I have felt that way for a very long time and seem to have alot of people around me that take and take. It can be very draining

Hey Pooch, am sorry to hear you're feeling so down.

I won't repeat what others have said, only too add that I have had a massively *** year too, lost my Dad to cancer and my husband was diagnosed just as my Dad was dying, so my grief felt like it had to be suspended whilst I stayed strong for my husband. Plus I reconciled with my Mum after 2 years of no speak. It was alot to take on and deal with. I forgot who I was as i felt like I was just here for other people and not dealing with my own feelings and emotions in relation to my life events.

I know I have mentioned before and people are probably bored of me saying it, I was really lucky that I am in my final year of counselling training, as part of that I have to have personal counselling. All I can say is boy, was I glad of that space. My therapist helped me to see this as my time, away from everyone, i could stop being a carer and be me, it was a place I could break down, look at myself, grieve for Dad and the relationship I'd lost and begin to explore my ever increasingly difficult relationship with my mumHow I saw myself in relation to others, the list goes on!!!

I feel like I am able to look at the parts of my personality that I struggled with and am now able to recognise old patterns of behaviour when I'm in certain types of situations, and yes I still find certain types of people difficult to deal with, but at least I know that now and not to feel so afraid. I can stand up for myself when previously I just walked away because I was too frightened to upset people, even though I felt horrendous and beat myself up for allowing people to have that power over me.

I have been incredibly lucky because of the support I got on my course and it must be really difficult when you're feeling so low and alone with your feelings. It may help you to have some counselling, look at it as time for you, if you are able.

Alot of people have mentioned CBT, which frustrates me as it the buzz therapy at the moment, especially within the NHS. There are many other orientations out there and it can be difficult finding the right one for you. I am trained in Person - Centred Therapy. Please feel free to email me if you want any help or just to chat.

Big hugs to you xxxxx

I think perhaps you've had such a big change between both of you working and owning your own time more, to now you can't get out and your H isn't around that maybe you need to sit down and plan what you want to be doing with your time and how you want to spend time together.  Maybe actually schedule in some fun stuff to do.  It is really easy to forget to do this (and as you know, I schedule in endless fun, seriously it is a laugh a minute at our house )

If you really take charge of your situation (and I know there ar things you can't control like a job, but you can plan your time and control what work/other things yo it might help.  u are doing for yourself) it might help.  I only think this because your role has been so planning orientated that if you've drifted miles away from that kind of thing it would be likely to be unsettling in itself.  Or that might be bollocks. 

L
xx

Oh god Pigalicious, that really brings it all home as my problems are nothing compared with dealing with a loved one who is sick  I do think that, that actually what I've been through isn't so bad and I need to grow up and deal with it but I think it's been such a bulldozer effect, one thing after another than I haven't actually dealt with any of it. 

A good friend of mine is doing a counselling course and she suggested that whilst I have free time I should look into it as it's been a great help to her. She said it's helped her to look at situations differently and be more positive. Maybe it something I should look into. 

I also think H and I need to have some fun. I can't remember the last time we did something fun and silly and really enjoyed ourselves. It's all very groundhog day.

Thanks again everyone

I could have written much of your post pooch and I think we are quite similar! I agree to some extent with Nick- you have situational based difficulties and when things get easier they should shift. That said i took that approach, the stress ended up having physical affects on me and i ended up on medication anyway. Sometimes your body just says NO MORE.

I have learnt more about the behaviour of myself and others though, whcih has helped me deal witha  lot of situations in a better way. I wish I could compartmentalise better, but I have come to the conclusion you are either that way inclined or not.

I'm glad things are getting better though x

Hi Pooch

I completely agree with all the comments about the issues being situational and hopefully transient,  rather than this being an inherent part of YOU which you need to change or "fix". And others have made some really good suggestions (I second the one of St John's Wort, btw) far more eloquently than I.

What I would say re ridding your life of people who drag you down (Lizbeth always refers to such people as "being a drain, not a radiator") is that it is a helpful thing to do in so many ways;  not only does it remove that negativity from your life but it can also feel as you are taking action,  taking charge,  doing something.  And for planners like us ... that's helpful.

I've posted before about a "friend" (you may recall ...) with whom I always had huge issues around money whenever we went out - she would go to any lengths to not pay and would be very passive aggressive about it - much sighing,  counting out the cash veeery slowly,  disputing the bill, constantly saying she was broke*, lots more.  Not only did it wind me up at the time,  but I'd fret about it happening before I saw her and I came to dread having time with her in any environment where Paying For Something was on the agenda.

After a while, I just told myself that this was idiocy and that life was (is) too short to spend it dreading time with such a person.  So I just sent her a reply to her latest moaning missive,  acknowledging it and the points she made ("oh dear, poor you,  I agree that having lots of filing to do at work is awful, but at least you have your forthcoming trip to Australia to look forward to ..." *) and then said at the end: "I will be out of touch for a while now - I have some issues,  both personal and professional to work through and I need a bit of space to do that.  I'll be in touch again when I can."

[* not actually broke at all, as we can see ...]

She replied saying "Fair enough,  thanks for letting me know",  then carried on her email in the usual style;  I ignored that note with a clear conscience and that was that.

I feel far freer and lighter not having her in my life and I'm glad I've done it,  in what I hope was a reasonably gentle way.  So,  just to say - it can be done and it's worth it.

Hope things improve for you soon. Hugs to H & H - and you

Cleo x

I think unsettled is a good way to put it and I do feel like that. So much about our lives has changed and to be honest this isn't how I wanted my life to be. I know it's a short term thing but I worry that both H and I have changed so much we'll never have the energy to rebuild our old life. I love my job so much, I feel as though I was born to do it and I want to be busy again but it's like walking through treacle. I am also used to being overly busy, rushing around, on the go and now I'm like a lump that does housework all day and walks the dog with the odd bit of work thrown in. I hate it!

H is also miserable as he hates the contract he's working on and I am trying not to show him I'm unhappy. The irony is if we could swap we'd be way happier. I'd love to be out at work and he'd love being at home. 

I can put it all down to my work situation and Nick you are right, if I got a call today to say I'd won a big job I'd be fine again, I know I would! 

Hyacynth - I think we've been through a lot of the same things so sorry to hear you are feeling much the same

That's interesting Cleo and actually very like one friend I have at the moment. I guess since I've had more time on my hands I have actually taken note of friends and seen (as H calls them) the leeches. The people who take and never give anything back. One friend in particular has just started to do the same job as me and calls me up to pick my brains and say "Ooooh can I send this quote over to you to look over and tell me if it's a good rate and can you give me some details of people you use". It annoys me because a) she must think I have nothing better to do b) I'm jealous that she has no experience yet is being paid to do a job and I'm not c) she always has to throw in a little dig at the end and belittle me in some way. Why do I even take her calls, because there's always a promise of getting me some work and I've turned into a fcuking desperate saddo!

I really am always doing things for other people and never getting anything in return, not even a thank you. Over the past month this has happened at least 4 times with different people and I take it so personally and it really upsets me and adds to me doom. Maybe I just attracts these leeches!

No words of wisdom but

poochanna:

That's interesting Cleo and actually very like one friend I have at the moment. I guess since I've had more time on my hands I have actually taken note of friends and seen (as H calls them) the leeches. The people who take and never give anything back. One friend in particular has just started to do the same job as me and calls me up to pick my brains and say "Ooooh can I send this quote over to you to look over and tell me if it's a good rate and can you give me some details of people you use". It annoys me because a) she must think I have nothing better to do b) I'm jealous that she has no experience yet is being paid to do a job and I'm not c) she always has to throw in a little dig at the end and belittle me in some way. Why do I even take her calls, because there's always a promise of getting me some work and I've turned into a fcuking desperate saddo!

I really am always doing things for other people and never getting anything in return, not even a thank you. Over the past month this has happened at least 4 times with different people and I take it so personally and it really upsets me and adds to me doom. Maybe I just attracts these leeches!

 

the answer to that one is simple. she s taking advantage so either tell her bluntly or dont take her calls

poochanna:

That's interesting Cleo and actually very like one friend I have at the moment. I guess since I've had more time on my hands I have actually taken note of friends and seen (as H calls them) the leeches. The people who take and never give anything back. One friend in particular has just started to do the same job as me and calls me up to pick my brains and say "Ooooh can I send this quote over to you to look over and tell me if it's a good rate and can you give me some details of people you use". It annoys me because a) she must think I have nothing better to do b) I'm jealous that she has no experience yet is being paid to do a job and I'm not c) she always has to throw in a little dig at the end and belittle me in some way. Why do I even take her calls, because there's always a promise of getting me some work and I've turned into a fcuking desperate saddo!

I really am always doing things for other people and never getting anything in return, not even a thank you. Over the past month this has happened at least 4 times with different people and I take it so personally and it really upsets me and adds to me doom. Maybe I just attracts these leeches!

 

Ooh, cheeky mare.  That would give me The Rage, big time. Practice saying,  if you do inadvertently take her call, "Oh, I'm so sorry,  but I simply haven't got the capacity to help you" and leave it at that.  Then watch her flounder. Gaaaaaaaaaah.

I don't think that you "attract the leeches" but it's very likely that your niceness and willingness to be helpful is so visible that they can spot it from miles away and are more than happy to suck you dry and then move on. Again,  I say "gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."

And don't.even. get. me. started on the not saying thank you thing,  or I may just explode.  Someone at work emailed me about 10 days ago,  saying that she is a "coach" to a couple of colleagues and did I have any material on mentoring that I could send her?  I dutifully replied (with v. handy attachments ...) and have yet to receive any form of acknowledgement - which rather makes me feel like prodding her and saying: "You know what? You'd be a far better coach AND colleague if you could more fully grasp the concept of saying thanks from time to time ..." 

Do people really need bloody workshops on the simple art of saying thank you?  It feels like it at times!

Ineffectual ,  but I know where you're at.

or give them some super duff advice and swipe the contracts from under their noses

sorry to hear you are feeling so awful - that groundhog day and feeling too low to get yourself going again is so horrible

you seem to have had a really rotten time - but if you are the strong coping type it is never when the bad stuff is happening that you fall apart - because you dont have time - so you do the falling apart when everything should be getting rosier and then feel freaked out (this is how i get anyway)

when i get like this i have to remind myself i am not going crackers and it is something of a delayed reaction

as to the feeling false and not really jolly i am a great believer in fake it till you make it

do try doing a bit of taking care of you too x

This is like cheap therapy, thanks so much to all of you

I know I need to stop taking the calls and I know that they will never lead to any work and it's all a bluff. That is the very first thing I need to start, from today!

Cleo that is just the type of thing that happens and normally I just get a bit annoyed and move on but at the moment it eats me up and adds to the "I'm sh!t" feeling. A coupe of months ago I saw a friend of a friend who's a wine merchant and he mentioned he'd lost a lot of work due to the economy so I  put him in contact with a new venue that was opening and emailed my contact there to say expect a call from xx and how great he was. I have since found out he got the contract. I found out via my friend and I'm shocked that he hasn't called to say thanks, let alone sent me a bottle of wine. I feel like a prat for helping him! Oh and I want to call him and have a rant about how rude he is! I know we don't do things in order to get back and I do love helping people but it's all getting a bit much and now and I'm worried it's going to stop me helping people in the future who are actually lovely. 

Janeyh I think you are right, it is a delayed thing. I have nothing to deal with or solve at the moment as the worst is over so I've got time to think about what's happened. I'm glad you said about the faking being a good thing. I hate being a misery and my Mom has always moaned so I try and avoid letting on how I feel. I guess that's a good thing. 

Ok, so, I am going to stop taking the calls from the leeches. Stop having my brains picked (ironic as I have very few brain cells ). get some St Johns Wort. Look for a good "grow some balls" book. Finally, Keep striving for work because it will come!

poochanna:

This is like cheap therapy, thanks so much to all of you

I know I need to stop taking the calls and I know that they will never lead to any work and it's all a bluff. That is the very first thing I need to start, from today!

Cleo that is just the type of thing that happens and normally I just get a bit annoyed and move on but at the moment it eats me up and adds to the "I'm sh!t" feeling. A coupe of months ago I saw a friend of a friend who's a wine merchant and he mentioned he'd lost a lot of work due to the economy so I  put him in contact with a new venue that was opening and emailed my contact there to say expect a call from xx and how great he was. I have since found out he got the contract. I found out via my friend and I'm shocked that he hasn't called to say thanks, let alone sent me a bottle of wine. I feel like a prat for helping him! Oh and I want to call him and have a rant about how rude he is! I know we don't do things in order to get back and I do love helping people but it's all getting a bit much and now and I'm worried it's going to stop me helping people in the future who are actually lovely. 

Janeyh I think you are right, it is a delayed thing. I have nothing to deal with or solve at the moment as the worst is over so I've got time to think about what's happened. I'm glad you said about the faking being a good thing. I hate being a misery and my Mom has always moaned so I try and avoid letting on how I feel. I guess that's a good thing. 

Ok, so, I am going to stop taking the calls from the leeches. Stop having my brains picked (ironic as I have very few brain cells ). get some St Johns Wort. Look for a good "grow some balls" book. Finally, Keep striving for work because it will come!

sadly this seems to be the norm now. i ve stopped doing it apart from with mates who i know will at least say thank you. anyone else can whistle for it.

the last time i did this was similar to your experience. in fact when i did the favour i said to the guy if it works out, send me a nice bottle of wine. he said no problem.  it did work out, i got nothing, so that was him deleted.

Very much the norm it seems. It's time to tone down the nice I reckon.